Cowboy

{ June 24, 2009 @ 9:15 am } · { Uncategorized }
{ } · { Comments (2) }

Today I went and saw the movie He’s Just Not That Into You and its funny… I wish that I had seen this movie a  year ago.  Although I don’t know if things would have been different if I had.  I actually read the book when it came out, just like the movie it was clear… If a guy likes you he will make it know.  I have also had the opportunity to meet a guy who has been very honest with me and given me a new guys perspective.

I found that from the outside I can see very clearly whether a guy is NOT into me, however I am not good at really knowing if a guy IS into me.  There have been times in which I was sure that someone was flirting with me… I have to tell you that I love these times. I find myself being more aware of myself, and I like that. I tend to actually be nicer to my self esteem. I look forward to the chance meetings and I love avoiding the glances made by the guy.  I am not sure if they know that I can see them trying to get my attention, or if I am that good at faking it.

There was this one guy who I can actually remember the first time that I saw him. I was standing on a ladder when he walked by. OK so I don’t think that I can avoid telling the small details so I will just have to…  I worked in the mall and I was a manager of a very nice store. I was in the window doing a display when a new security guard walked by. I have no idea why he caught my attention but there I was trying to get some silly cardboard thing level with fishing wire. But there it was… this moment in which I was looking and discovered that he was looking back, and I did what I always do… as soon as I realize that something was happening I looked away.

I did not go out of my way to find him again, but I can’t say the same thing about him. It wasn’t too long before he would come by and then come in. I had to get really good at not noticing him. My coworkers found the whole thing very entertaining. If I was not there, they would tell when he came in and how he would eventually get around to asking where I was.  I remember the day that I said something to him for the first time and how he smiled and smiled. I also remember how after several weeks, maybe even months we had a full conversation. I was telling him this story and he was eating a snack that the store had out for the customers. He was so caught up in me that he placed a pen in his mouth instead of the snack.  That was one of the cutest things a guy has ever done.  It wasn’t what he did it was how he reacted.

It was later that week that he came in and was talking to a coworker of mine, who he actually went to school with, and she ended up walking away mad… the reason was that he kept bringing ME up. “We talked for awhile yesterday.” Things like that.  Thats when I decided that I should give him my phone number. I worked up a plan and with the knowledge that he was interested. I had written my number on a business card so that I could give it to him when the opportunity arises.

Little did I know that it would come up that very afternoon. I was walking to go home and passed the security car that he was in, I got up my nerve and I turned around, walked right back to the car, and handed him my card.  “You dropped something that I thought you might like to have,” I said very innocently and then I walked away. I never looked back and I waited til I got to the car before I freakedout. Actually i did not freak out, I was  just more surprised that I actually did it.

Nothing came out this, he never called and by the time I had started to pay him attention he had a girlfriend. He would still walk by and start random conversations. Actually I figured out this game of sorts… He would walk by and if I acknowledged that he was there it would take a long time before he would come by again… However I would see him coming, because I am one of those people that knows generally what is going on around me at all times. I was the Boss so I had to be super aware.. anyways I would notice that he was coming and just about the time that we would make eye contact I would lift a box in the line of vision or I would drop something… Then I would tell my coworker, “Alright give him two minutes.” And two minutes later here he would come. Never failed. Still to this day I think about how strange it was that I let myself get so carried away. I ended up flirting with him way too much and somehow kept my feelings open… I wish that I had checked myself earlier.

I do some of the strangest things when it comes to Boys!!

I do not want to write this…

{ June 20, 2009 @ 10:43 pm } · { Uncategorized }
{ } · { Leave a Comment }

 I do not want to write this… I am desperate. So that is why I am. Lately I have not been home much. I have been so busy that I do know what all I have been doing. I have basically been demanding myself to have fun.

During some of this time I have been house sitting , which means that I watched way too much tv. It all started with Who’s Wedding Is It Anyway? and then Bridezilla. I watched all these people in both good and bad relationships and started thinking about my current love situation… Well if having love was what this post was over then, it would be over here.

I do not have a loving relationship in the form of  “love that comes from a man that adores me”. I have always wondered why this is always the case and this is not the first time that I have written about it. In fact I should change the title of this blog to “Girl , Who Writes About Biggest Insecurity”, because that is truly what it is.

You read about all the things to do to detract yourself from being single. You are supposed to fill your days with things that you enjoy and that will make you forget about how much you are alone and you get to enjoy that time with yourself. And then magically one day you will be at one of these fabulous things and you will meet someone… and then your life will change forever. How many times have you heard, “It will happen when you least expect it.”

Well, while I was trying to make sure that nothing bothered me, at least not for long ,about being alone I have ignored my feelings  about it for awhile now.  I mean I touch on them often enough, but I have never really dealt with them. What if I am to be by myself for the rest of my life. I can not spend everyday doing something meaningful.

And right now I am tired. I have to slow down. I have to start building up a future on my own. I think I have always lived my life like it would one day be combined with someones else and then I would have a fun and diverse foundation to build a wonderful relationship on. I don’t want to give up, but I find myself becoming more and more real about things. As much as it pains me to say, I have to think about the real possibility that I may be alone for the rest of my life.

I came to a conclusion the other night when I was tired, very tired, I was thinking about a crush that I have on a boy. I met him the normal way. I was out playing pool with a new friend of mine that I met in Chemistry class. We both had wanted to do something that night that did not cost too much money, but active. We decided on pool. Earlier that night I had invited the boy I liked from Chemistry class, but as I left the message on his phone I knew that he was not going to show… and to tell the truth that was the day that I knew nothing was ever going to come of that… although I did not give up trying. ( There are other stories about Chem boy that I might write about, but it makes me kind of sad, but only because I watched myself pushing things a little too hard.) Anyways, the night was already fun when I ran into a friend of mine who was with some of his buddies. They were both cute and I found myself asking him if any of them were single. One was. I was pretty much on the prowl. I normally do not flat out ask, I go about the more innocent way, but that night I was– different.

We ended up being in pairs and my friend was great about bringing the attention to me. They even made the teams so that we were on the same side. I was not doing a bad job at playing the game and I was having a blast. I was flirting more than normal and being me. Sometimes when I am in settings with cute guys than I act like this weird person, that way they do not reject the real me.

When the night came to a close pool boy was very nice and we all talked about getting together again soon. He got both my number and Chelle’s. Actually I am not sure who started all the number sharing Chelle or him… but it doesn’t matter much. He called both of us the next week and invited us to Broomball. A game that you play on ice. Like hockey but you wear shoes and play with rubber balls. I went but Chelle did not.

The game was fun. I ended up playing with 25 dudes and only three girls. Of course because it was on ice I fell. I actually think that I broke part of my hand… but since that fall happened before the game started I kept playing. I was proud of myself for going, I was really worried about showing my nonathletic ability to this guy. The night ended with a little awkward conversation and then him saying he needed to get up early in the morning because he was volunteering for habitat for humanity the next day. Oh yeah, that made the crush start.

Well I did what you are not supposed to do, I called him on Monday to say that I had fun. He invited me to a Bible Study that night, but I had class so I could not go. So that was the last that I talked to him until a couple of weeks ago.  I called him and asked him about Bible Study, of course like a true gentleman he told me about it and even picked me up. It so happens that his brother is staying with him for the summer so I have yet to really have a conversation with him. In fact when he calls on the phone and leaves messages he always leaves his whole name. It always seems that he is calling and leaving a message and I am calling him back.

We had a plan that I was excited about and I had convinced Chelle to come along and keep the brother entertained. But then on the day of, he called and cancelled because his brother did not want to go. I believed him when he said that he wanted to go some other time and he did sound sincere that he wanted to go that night. I also realized that timing for me is not my friend. Now he has gone out of town, but before he left we had a slightly better phone conversation and I am left hoping that he calls me when he gets home.

So back to the conclusion that I came too, I was thinking about how I like the guy, but more because of the details about him. I do not really know much about him at all. I do know that he is a smart, attractive, very social and a Godly man. I have no idea how he feels about me and if there is even a hint of attraction on his part. That is where I realized that what I liked about him was that it gave me hope.

I thought that I could actually like someone that I could share my whole life with. Someone that I could volunteer with, go to church with, and try and find new things to do every weekend. Now I have this new found idea that no matter what I do not want to settle. I do not even want to waste my time crushing on someone not worthy of my time. And I am going to spend more time on myself. More time not worrying about filling out every second that I will not worry about being alone.

So maybe I can become ok, with being alone. Without having to move or change everything in my life.

And of course who did I call… Mom.

{ May 24, 2009 @ 4:32 pm } · { Uncategorized }
{ Tags: } · { Leave a Comment }

  “Mom, there are cars every where and I can’t get home. It’s crazy.”

“What in the world! what’s happening!”

“Well I was on my way home and it rained so hard tonight that the roads are flooded… Oh no! That car is going to try and make it… Opps, they did. Oh here comes another idiot… Slow down fool.”

“Are you in the water… Is your house ok. I would want to get home and check on my house.”

“I am sure my house is fine… It hasn’t flooded ever. Oh I think that I might have to park here and walk home. The traffic is not moving.”

“Are there people out!”

“Oh yeah, I mean it is Houston. I had to work tonight and it was raining really hard earlier. Anyways I got off and was heading down Side Rd when I noticied that there were cars parked in the medians and an abandoned car with the harzards on. Then there was a nice mercedes parked in the middle of the intersection. It was crazy. I thought that I should call and report it because it was blocking the street, but when I turned on Main Road there were tow trucks and flashing lights everywhere.”

“Amy, what in the world!”

“It was so strange cars were parked in the parking lots all crazy and there were people just standing in the road. Well I think that since all the 20 cars went through than I can make it… So I better let you go.”

“Oh no, just put me down and let me hear you go through the water.”

“What.. no. Oh Okay.”

…. “well what are you doing…talk to me while you do it.”

“The whole point of me getting off the phone was to not be disstracted.  Oh, I am through, that was not bad. The water has drained off alot. Still there are people all over the place. Well, I am home do you want to stay on the phone while I go out to the road and see  whats going on?”

“Of course, just ask someone what’s going on.”

“Umm, mom its raining.  Ha ha didn’t I mention that. Well there are some people out here. Let me see whats going on.”

“Call me back!!!”

……..

“Oh Mom, so I thought that the excitment was done for the night, when I let you go I saw a tow truck get stuck and I talked to some people who have been in our parking lot since 10.30.”

“What were they doing being out at 10.30 at night!”

“Mom, this is a big city they don’t pull up the sidewalk at night, besides if they did then there would have been a place for all the water to go.”

“True, ha”

“Well, then when I went in I said something to my neighbor’s friend… actually I thought that my neighbor was out there. I said ‘I thought that you would be out there checking out the happenings.’ Then he was like ‘who is you.’ and gets up. Then he starts to tell me, how earlier that night he was stuck on other main road and had to get out and walk … and he already had been in a fight with a black guy.

My comment was,  ’well then I guess you have already been in the chaos.” as I am trying to make my exit from the conversation. He then tells me all about his new truck and how the water came in when he opened the door, then this ‘black guy’ comes at him and wants to fight. So he starts fighting him and then puts him in the water. “I was drowning the dude, when I picked him up and threw him on the side and said ‘Come at me again you MF and I will drown your Ass!’ And now I am waiting on Baby Girl, well that’s what I call her… She is stuck in traffic.”

-”oh ok, well I am going in, have a better night”

What? Say it again! What did he tell the guy?… You’ll see on the news how someone drown and then you’ll feel bad.. Ha Ha that’s hilarous.. I will drown your ass!!

“You would have had so much fun tonight, I was so tired on the way home and now I am all wound up. Did I wake you earlier?”

“No, I was up, Lily is here, she came to spend the weekend with us. She named Robert’s goat. The goat is already smarter than the dog.”

“I told you all, that you needed a goat. You already have all the other types of animals at the house. Well we better get to sleep. Talk to you soon, Love you Mom.”

“Love you too, Thanks for calling!”

To the future…

{ May 24, 2009 @ 3:53 pm } · { Uncategorized }
{ Tags: , , , , } · { Leave a Comment }

As I sit thinking about my future I am glad that I was able to have a visit from my past. My best friend that dates back to when I was 15 came to see me for the week. It was at an unexpected time to have old memories come back into my life. My decisions of the past seven years have come to the forefront. With the semester coming to a close I have to decide where I am going to be, and who I am now.

I have put this off for about two years. I quit my job, my career and who I was becoming at the end of the summer two years ago. I told myself that I was not running away but changing the future. But I did run away and this was not the first time that I have made up my mind and jumped into things. The first time was when I decided to move to Texas. It was following my 21st birthday. The day I felt alone.

I had, like most young adults, been looking forward to the day in which it seems freedom comes. I had been an adult since I turned 18, and I had voted, but I felt almost there… Then when I bought my car and I was making money and I could do what I wanted. I started to make sure that I was taking my life in my own hands. Certain things that I was supposed to do were slowly being replaced with things I choose.

I choose to not go to college. I thought that I needed some time to decide who I wanted to be. I had not made the best grades in high school not because I couldn’t make them but because I could not make the best grades and get by. So I had no scholarships to fall back on. Unlike most seniors I had not even thought about what college that I was going to attend. With my family it was not assumed that I would go. I choose to work.

Because I could live at home I got a job. The reason I decided to apply for this job was the fact the guy working there was adorable. Plus the retail store seemed to fit. It had character and the music was right up my alley. And now that I think about it Katy was right there with me when I first thought about going to apply.

The day of my interview the Manager was out sick and one of the assistants gave me the interview. It was a good interview and it was when I meet Lacy that I knew things were going to go well. A friendship started that showed me that someone could travel and make their way away from their family. She was so strong and vulnerable. She told the manager how much she liked me and they offered me the job later that day. I did not hesitate when I took the job.

It wasn’t long till I became an assistant for the Holidays and the job fit. I like people and helping them. There was something about spending time with someone and they left feeling like they were heard. They had value and not with just money but also with their options. You, the salesperson, also had value because you were able to fit their needs. I showed promise and I could get the job done. I moved up a position when the girl that hired me was fired. She was not actually doing anything wrong it was just the combination of personalities and being in the wrong place at the wrong time for her and the opposite for me.

I liked the job, the people that I worked with, and the money. It was going great until I learned a very important lesson. Take care of yourself first. It was when the district manager was scheduled to visit. I stayed late that day trying to make sure that the store looked good. I worked on the whole store, but put off doing my section last. The others were not there to make sure that whole store looked good. By the time that I got to the children’s section I was tired and did not pay enough attention. So when the DM came to visit and tore my section apart it hurt, way more than it should. My boss did not stick up for me but he also couldn’t. The DM, looking back was not a confident person and not a good boss. By the time he had left my fate was sealed. I was weak and of no value to the company.

I was transferred months later to another store. The floor plan was different, the mall was different and all of this was not a great fit. It started that I came in and found that all my past hard work and the fact that I had worked my way up was of no measure. One of the staff members there was jealous. I was young and I got the job that they wanted. It was at that store and on a day working with this guy when 911 happened. I was headed to the bank and remember going inside to an eerie experience. There was a TV playing in the lobby and the picture was jumping due to the lack of reception. Everyone was mournful but no one knew what to do. As we watched the second airplane hit. As the second airplane crashed the true terror set in. We all did what we supposed to do and I got my change and headed back to the store. When I got back to the car I turned on the radio to find that nothing had changed, regular music kept playing and it seemed that the rest of the world was not up to speed. I headed inside and the guy came to work. At that time my Mom called to tell me the news that they were thinking that America was under attack. They were worried that very public places would be in danger. Like the malls. I made the decision then that I wanted to be home. This job was not that important. I called home office and told them that we were leaving. The guy did not want to go afraid that he would not be paid. I tried to tell him that there was no way that this would be the case. It was pretty much the first swing that I had taken that got him out of his corner. From then on he was up and swinging. I had taken the importance factor out of his job. To him it was the paycheck and the main reason of his life.

Things came to a boil as the weeks progressed. I was constantly fighting with the guy. I was getting in trouble at work and had no back up. Others were gathering in his corner and I realized that I had to stand up fight and then get out of there. It came when I was written up for supposedly changing the time sheets. I had not done this and I wrote a letter that was amazing and demanded that a meeting be held. I cleared my name but my boss at the time told me that I had been pegged a problem and she was told that I could be dismissed at any time. I waited till it was clear that I wasn’t scared of the guy and quit. Right before Thanksgiving.

The night that I quit I had so many emotions … so many. My crush of several years was the one that came and cheered me up. For really the first time and I think the last time he was the best friend that he could have been. But he was the one guy that I would talk about and analyze for many more years of my life and actually anyone that really knows me now has heard about him. I have since made my peace with myself… for not feeling so guilty for loving someone who I should not have.

The moments that added up to the move to my current home were 1. A new job with the company that I would be with for 6 years… 2. The night that Harrison turned 21 (which was when I truly gave up on the idea of us… but not the hope of what could have been)… 3. When my 21st birthday did not contain the magic that I thought it would hold…

The night before my birthday it started to snow… it was cold and the road conditions were bad. By the next morning it did not look great. I was the only one that could make it to work and it was a ghost town. There were very few employees at the other stores but since it was a retail job of course our store had to be open. I was sad, I was not supposed to work that day and my friends had already started to call and tell me that they were not going to make it to my birthday celebration. I turned on the music to the store and the song “All by myself” comes on the radio. And it made me too sad to cry. Later that night my family came out and my friend Stephanie made it. We were all eating when I see Harrison walking in, but the joy is quickly replaced when I see that he has brought Her with him. Why would he… she was the reason that all hope was gone… why on this night was it thrown back into my face.

Looking back I should have been tougher. I should have been stronger, but I wasn’t. I was ready to go… When the chance came for me to move there was little choice. Why would I stay…there was nothing to keep me.

Does this mean that I did not love the people who were important to me…? This is a hard question. It was hard for me to love when I didn’t feel loved. But I was loved and I am loved. The difference now is I love myself. So the one thing that I am not scared of is who I am becoming now. So here is to the future.

 

Another Story (about a one legged man)

{ February 18, 2009 @ 11:47 pm } · { Uncategorized }
{ Tags: , , , , } · { Comments (1) }

  You would think that a person would not have many stories about  a person missing body parts and while the first story was about a bum, this one is also about a person who I did not know.  I have to tell quite a bit of back story before I get to the point so please stick with me.

When I was growing up, my family lived in a beautiful pre-civil war home. That house is what I compare all places that I have lived since, none of them felt like home in comparison.  This house was set in the country and you would think that life would be calm, but no that was not the case. I don’t know if any of you have ever lived out in the country but people are always stopping by. Some of these people wanted to ask you about your horse or something that they found interesting, some needed something and since there were no cell phones and the nearest gas station was some ways off they would stop for their minor emergencies. Then there were stops of people who used to live in the house or their friends used to live in the house, and hey when a house is over two hundred years old that can add up.

One day we were all out in the yard, and an elderly lady comes around to the front and starts asking my Dad questions. It was not long before the women had convinced my Dad to let them host a family reunion at the house. So as soon as she left we got to work on fixing up the little things around the house.  

So, the day arrives and so do the people. There were tons- and they all had the best stories. One lady took us on a tour of the house and told about events that happened in certain spots. It got really interesting when she got to my parents room.

“Oh this room was used as the parlour. We would have all the viewing, those of the dead bodies, you know for funerals, in that there corner over there, actually right where your bed is darling.” 

My mom’s eyes got big on that one. (Before they were out of the drive way she had moved the bed to a different spot. That still makes me laugh.)

“Oh and over here is where they amputated Thomas’s leg.”

Dad- “I always thought might be a blood stain, but you never know.” 

My dad was a big history guy and actually worked on old houses. He was used to being in homes that the civil war used as hospitals. So a blood stain was not new to him.

“Yes, well you were right. You see Thomas was the very first one in this area to get a motorcycle. U97597P-AThe day he got it, he went out and had an accident and they had to remove his leg, actually they buried in the yard.  Mother told him, that he would be the first to own a bike and the  first one killed on one too.  I can’t quite remember why we decided to bury the leg…”

 

I remember at that moment, seeing my younger brother’s eyes. He ,like the rest of  us, was hooked on every word that the former occupant was saying, but I also knew that knowing that the leg was out there was a huge challenge to my brother.  What else is a second grader going to want to do, but find it and dig it up.

After they left my brother went out in search of a shovel but he could not find it and when he found my Dad to ask where it was, he found both. I guess that Boys never really do grow up. They searched the hill and finally found the foot stone that marked the grave, once that happened I was not sticking around to actually see the foot, too wierd for me.

So a couple of weeks goes by and life turns back to normal. Something else about the house that I did not mention before is that all the rooms are connected. There was more than one door to each bedroom. In mine actually there were four. One to the living room, one to the bathroom that was actually in an old closet (remember when the house was built there was no indoor plumbing) and another was connected to my sister’s room and the forth was to the outside porch, which was used as the main door. I know the layout sounds strange but I loved that room, it was big and I always knew what was going on.

One night a thunder storm began and while I liked them, this one was a loud one. Since there were mountains and valleys the thunder would get caught down in a valley and the sound would last a good ten seconds.  The wind was also quite strong and would sometimes make a howling sound when it was caught in the storm windows or doors. Well a loud crack broke into the air and the outside door was caught by the wind and started to open.

Just about the time I sat up in bed to go shut it, a blot of lighting struck right outside only a few hundred yards away and lit up the sky. Suddenly there IT was on the porch. It was the leg. I screamed, but either the sound did not come out or it was covered up by the thunder. Before my scream and the thunder had the cleared the air I realized my ghostly limb was only a boot.  You see my Dad had taken off his work boots and had left them on the porch before coming inside. One of the boots had fallen down, leaving the other standing up right and in place for the haunting.

 I waited for someone in my family to come and see about me, but no one did.  And it was actually many years later that I told my family members that story.  We sometimes get to talking about that house and we always have new memories to share with each other.  I think that we only lived there five years, but it has given me a life time of stories.  If you like this one there are more where that came from, just let me know.

I felt like a middle schooler today!

{ January 7, 2009 @ 11:04 pm } · { Uncategorized }
{ Tags: , , } · { Leave a Comment }

 My maturity left me today as I laughed so hard no words came out, just tears. I think that I also knew that I should not be laughing so hard and it made it all the more funny. 

The set up started yesterday… a girl, I work with, left to go home. She then turned right back around, and called me and the other coworkers out to the parking lot. We all look ed at each other and then for lack of a better reason, we all filed outside- where she was pointing out a used condom. The girls bantered back and forth about it belonging to each other, we laughed and then went on with our day.

So today as the same girl left, she decided that she should tell Ms. Responsible ( that nick name sounds harsh, but I actually love this lady!). Well, when she found out that it was out there, and in front of the store, she immediately decided that our Customers should not have to see that.

So she goes and gets a broom and a dust pan, and heads out to the parking lot. The rest of us stay inside and that’s when I got the giggles.  I mean I would have left the clean up to the rain and wind, but no…  When Ms. R comes back in the Dry one, says “Now what are we going to do with the broom?” and Ms. R says very casually, like she sweeps up condoms from public property everyday, “I’ll put it in some disinfectant.”  and the Sweet one asks “What did you do with IT?” Ms. R, “I put it in the bushes.” So my more mature coworkers laugh a little and go about their business.

Not me, while all this was going on I had started to laugh and could not stop, tears are streaming down my face and I am feeling more and more embarrassed by the second. What my coworkers must think of me..  he he I am snickering  just thinking about it again.  That’s one woman that goes above the normal employers expectations.

New Year, what’s all the hype?

{ January 3, 2009 @ 4:25 pm } · { Uncategorized }
{ } · { Comments (2) }

I can tell you that every time the New Year rolls around I get sort of antsy. I have never had a New Year to write about… wel,l there was that one time, that I had an IV in my arm and all my friends called to say how much fun they were having.  I think there was something also there about them missing me, but I could have added that part to make myself feel better.

Ok, now I have to check myself. I have never had a really bad New Years and for those that I have spent a New Years with, please forgive me. I would never want to hurt any ones feelings its just one of those things… The thing for me is I try and not look forward to anything- that way I do not have to be disappointed when things are justalright.

I have had lots of surprising times that were so much fun, that they, in fact, changed my life.  All of those were times in which I had no foresight that they were coming. I guess the question there is, was it more fun because I wasn’t expecting it, or more fun because my expectations did not get in the way.

Last night was a lot of fun, but I had to chose who I was going to spend it with. Because I have lower funds, I chose the one that was closer to my house. I had fun and it would be greedy to ask for more, but I missed my other friends.

On New Years day I started to make my list of things that I wanted to do in the next year. The idea was to have some items that cost nothing and most of the items be things that I haven’t done in awhile or new things. I hope to blog about them each once I have done them. But I now can’t find my original receipt. But here goes some:

1. Go Hiking-  If you want to  know I cheated a little.  I knew that I was going the  next day, but I am going to keep this on the list because the trails were closed yesterday, because the Ike destroyed most of them.

2. Go Kayaking down the Buffalo Bayou

3. Go on a short road trip

4. Go Gambling- actually this one was added by my friend

5. Water Activity on Clear Lake

6. Visit another church

7. Go to a mixer Downtown

8. Go White Water rafting- I haven’t been in years.

Then, there are also things that I have wanted to do that are more personal. But I am not done with that list. Since I take it more seriously I focus on things that mean more to me. For example: I want to do something with my music, but I cant decide if I should start taking guitar lessons again, write a song, or find somewhere to perform vocally. All would be challenges… and I cant decide which would make me the happiest. (Funny how I know that I will have to have things set up to make me happier, because I know that troubles will come.)

Another goal that I need to figure out, rather soon, is to plan where I want to live next. It is time for a move… but where? Across town or across the country. Any suggestions?

Spending Time with the Fam

{ December 28, 2008 @ 5:24 am } · { Uncategorized }
{ } · { Leave a Comment }

I have been with my family this week and it has been kind of strange. I feel like I have been reviewing myself all week. I think about what my family must think about me, living so far away. They all saw how much they miss me, and ask when I am going to move back, but I can’t answer them. I do not know myself.

I want to move back and be with my family until I start to think about who I was. I do not want to be that person…. There are times, actually now, that I want to change things about myself. I think its about time. I know it is time.

My Birthday is coming up, and it always causes me to think about what I have accomplished in the last year. Usually I think about what I could have done more, but in this next year I want to start giving myself credit. Whatever that means.

Well I better go to bed, because the whole crew will be up shortly. I really do miss my alone time.  You never know how crazy you really are until you are surrounded by people who shaped you. You get to see where your own flaws come from- Your Parents!

The Best Christmas Gift I could ask for…

{ December 23, 2008 @ 12:48 am } · { Uncategorized }
{ Tags: , , , } · { Comments (1) }

I just got home from a long day, but it was a nice one. I went to two of my jobs and then back to the church to wrap gifts for a family that the church adopted. I was asked to help a couple of weeks ago and I have to tell you. I did not have any extra time then to help, but of course I got pulled in. The Friday before my final exam and the day that we were to set up for the family, I had a little bit of a stress over load. Too much was happening all together.

I was not doing well in my Chemistry class. I used to do well in school and I had no really good excuse about not studying more. ( I know most people would say, ” umm, you  work three jobs”, but I could have studied more, watched no TV, and put off the mindless book.) I had not had enough money to pay for the chemistry book and I had all the homework to catch up on. Trying to squeeze a semester of studying and work into two nights, not smart. I can’t believe that I passed the class at all.

Then I had to go to the church after the test… What I thought would be a lot of work took very little time in comparison. Plus I had lots of help from the True Angels, the ones who came up with the idea and HN. I think that she felt sorry for me because she heard the break down on the phone. I was composed until she asked, “Are you sure that you are ok?”

There was also a party for the kids that I teach on Sunday. We call it a club, and the kids are in the forth and fifth grade.  They are a blast and have tons of energy, let me repeat they have tons of energy. I was in charge of the games and at the time I could not think of anything. Looking back I should not have worried about that. We did a bunch of relay races and they got so into it. The high pitch squeals were a good measure of  the excitement. (And when I got caught, with the kids, putting cotton balls up our noses, I was a little embarrassed, but only a little.),

Ok, so back to the point of the blog… today I was able to help wrap the gifts that my church had collected for a family of 9. They were displaced by the Hurricane and they need help to pay for food, rent, and gas. There was not just a toy for each, but several and they each got at least one pair of shoes, socks, jeans, shirts, and hats. And oh the food… well, we collected so much food that it filled a large room. Because we had so much extra food we were able to adopt another family and then donate to an organization that helps those in need of food. I was so very impressed with what my friends and Christian family had gathered and given.

The only thing that I am sad about is that tomorrow when they give the family their belongs I have to be at work. I just hope that they take some pictures. I hope that this family knows how much others care… Actually I know that they will not be able to not know. And selfishly I wanted to see the joy.

So as I go to bed I am filled with the Christmas Spirit and I am very grateful that I will get to see my family in two days.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a Good Night!

It’s a fact, he is kind of strange…

{ December 14, 2008 @ 12:32 am } · { Uncategorized }
{ Tags: , , , } · { Comments (5) }

So many of you read my blog because I opened up to the blog world that I had told a friend of mine that I had feelings for him. I never went in to all the details of why I got the idea in my head that we would be the perfect couple… to much to write.  Also at the time I was feeling that I made it all up and blew it way out of proportion.  Folks, I don’t think it was me that was playing games.

Let me start by saying I don’t think that Dude secretly likes me. I now do not think that we would be a good couple.  At this point I don’t know how our friendship is looking. No, he didn’t do anything mean or hurtful… he just crossed the wierd line too far.

Are you all about to go crazy because I will not tell you what he did. Here it is…

He is flying home to spend New Years Eve with my family! He is staying with my family, at the house that I grew up in. Wait for it, 

I am not going to be there!

That’s right, he is going to see my family without me. How this all came about is a long story- so I will try and make it less painful.

Dude was introduced to my family years ago when they came to visit. Several short visits, nothing special. Then I found out he had a business meeting in my hometown so I called my family and told them. They took him around to the places that I told him would be fun. That is when they both fell in love with each other. My family with Dude and Dude with my family.

About a year passes and I find out that Dude needs someone to work for him and I suggest my sister. She’s hired, and works with him for about half a year, and during that time he travels to my home for “business,” but he didn’t really need to go. Again they had fun.

Now this past May he calls me up and says that he is going to go again and wants me to go with him. The trip home is what threw my mind back  into a muddle. It was nice to travel with a guy… (actually I didn’t want to go at first because I was afraid that the trip would do a number on my heart. I was scared that if I didn’t go it would look weird, and put a strain on my relationship with my family. Especially my mother who, at this point, thinks that Dude and I are really dating but are hiding it from her.) So I went and actually had fun. My family was so nice to each other. I enjoyed the visit with all involved.

Fast forward to the start of the blog and you come to know what happened. Looking back I can see why I could not stand back and not know how he looked at the situation.  Can you imagine traveling with him around the holidays?! He was invited by my family to come home with me for Christmas. He had come to see them, because they came to see me for Thanksgiving, and conversation went to his Thanksgiving. He mentioned that he did not have the best time with his family… Blah blah, my Mom got big eyed and invited him. Then my Dad talked about us car pooling. That was my cue- Ah HA! I know that he does not like road trips. I will talk about how much fun they are and then he will not want to go. There that is a wonderful idea!

Well, after the invite, my family decides that they will head out . Dude is still hanging out. He had taken his wallet out and laid it on the counter and I thought about saying, “Oh your wallet, don’t forget it” Spawning a conversation about him leaving too. But no, I went along with everyone. We all walk outside and hug and talk about seeing each other really soon. And when I say ALL, I mean me, my family and DUDE. There we were side by side, waving and making funny faces and doing little dances together. My Mom’s face was lit up and it hit me… This is not right. This is not fair. I should not have to be here with him beside me. Had I invited him to Thanksgiving or had he invited himself? Actually I can’t remember.

I have no say anymore. He is always going to be there. I can’t be weird, I can’t be rude and I have had just about as much I want to stand. I had decided the next day that I did not want to go and I would tell him.  That’s it, all done. Good I feel better.

Till a couple of nights later… I am working away to make a bunch of ornaments to sell. I need money remember and my mom calls.

“Amy, I thought that you might have disappeared, I haven’t heard from you.”

“Oh, I am just really busy with all the jobs, and school, and getting all the ornaments finished.  I have three showing this weekend.”

“Thats right, I need to tell you about….blah, blah… and when are you coming home? Dude is coming!”

“what? huh?” I try and pay attention and nearly glue myself together. In a not so sweet tone, I reply…”What are you talking about?”

“Dude called your sister and he is coming on New Years Eve and then going to the wedding with her.”

All of a sudden I felt several emotions at once. I was angry, sad, jealous, hurt, and confused! Angry that a friend of mine had booked a trip that we were talked about without me. Sad that it was him, and that I would have to deal with this. Jealous  that my sister got him to go with her to a wedding. Hurt that it was him, and confused because I was blindsided. What was she saying and why is she still talking, “Mom, Mom… Sorry I have to let you go. I promise I will call you back with the dates that I am coming home tomorrow.”

“Amy, are you mad, at Dude?”

“Yeah, I don’t understand… he never told me… wow that’s just weird.”

“Do you ever encourage him?”

Then in a strained voice, that I had actually never heard myself use, “What is that supposed to mean?”

“Never mind, I was just wondering…”

If only my mother knew how many times I held my tongue, when he did stupid things. How many times I had gone out of my way to say the right sweet thing.  The extra kind things that I did… If she only knew the heart ache (past tense).

“Mom, I really need to go. I will call you soon.”

“OK, so he hasn’t told you yet.”

“Bye Mom!”

So when we hung up the phone I had time to process. Why had he not called… weren’t we just talking about the trip as a trip together. I had kept saying that I wanted to take a road trip to discourage him… I never thought that would work so well… and I guess I was not even a factor in the situation.

So, because I am tired of writing I will try and wrap it up, and make this really long story a little shorter. I told Dude that I was disappointed that I had nothing to do with the decision.. he made excuses and I pretty much shot them down and then told him that it didn’t much matter any more. I must say that I did it a very cool way. I kept my calm and I just hope that I was not too cool. I think that I might have hurt his feelings. I am sure that it will pass, I mean it ALWAYS does… At least I do not have to travel with him, and worry about the weirdness. My family does not think that it is strange that a friend of mine…would go on a trip… to my home… without me. My sister is happy that she has a date for a wedding that she is going too, ( don’t get me started about the fact that we have been friends for years and I asked him to go to one wedding with me, because I wanted to dance at the reception, and he backed out!).

And even my good friend, who heard all about it, seems to be getting pulled in by his charm. Can’t I find just one person to be on team???

« Older entries