Did I ever tell you about the time…

  I went to the used book store to find a book on what I thought was my lasted obsession… Being single. I will tell more about the hunt for the right book  in the next post, but I discovered something at the check out.

The girl, who was ringing up my transaction, looked familiar. In fact I knew that she was one of my friend CC’s friend. I told the girl and we agreed that was indeed, where I knew her from. We talked about how much fun that dinner had been. I remember the conversation was animated. CC had gotten together four of her friends and we had  gathered to eat sushi. We were all talking a little about ourselves and how we knew CC. One of the friends meet CC through her husband that knew CC’s husband. I figured out pretty soon that I was the only single girl there. ( That did not bother me.)

Sorry… I know it is taking me a long time to reach a point,  but unless you have never read any of my post, you knew what you were getting into. So I remembered the dinner, and how I found myself asking each of the ladies how they met their husband or boyfriend… Where were they when they met… did things go fast/slow… I did not grill the people, but it was defiantly something that I was interested in finding out. I don’t remember the clerk’s story, but I do remember that night thinking “There is someone for everyone.” I hope that did not come off sounding catty, she is a sweet girl who would not be entirely normal.

After I left the book store  I was thinking about how many times I have met new people and I ask  them their story, I have asked my grandparents, my friends,  and even complete strangers (Give me a break, I used to work retail, you would be surprised how often that comes up.) I just love hearing people tell it. It might have more to do with the way the person tells it. Everyone gets a little dewy-eyed, they slow down in remembrance and you can see how they feel lucky. It is their own unique story, yet they share it with another.

When I came to that realization of how I question so many, I had to admit that I am relationship obsessed. I have been VERY single, my whole life in fact. When girls were getting crushes and going steady for a day in grade school, I was day dreaming. It never bugged me that I had not had a fling, or even had my hair pulled in a teasing manner.

That is, until my freshman year in high school. It was homecoming, and I wanted to go. So I decided that I would ask a boy. Well, that boy said no. He had already asked someone. Then I asked another who was going to ask someone else, and then I went ahead and asked another. He said no, and it wasn’t till later when I heard one of his girlfriends basically making fun of me that it hit me. I was not someone who a guy wanted to go to a dance with. Ouch. I did not know this type of rejection.

It was my first real taste and it was horrible… I had never even had someone who didn’t want to be my friend. I had never been aware of someone really making fun of me in a hateful way. There had been some teasing from a boy in eighth grade, but I didn’t really take it that personal.

I never did ask a boy out to anything again til Prom my junior year. I asked a guy who I had a HUGE crush on, but he was friends with all my friends, so it was a given that he would go with me. (That guy is now married to my best friend at that time.) I also asked because I knew if I did not ask anyone than I would never be asked. I did ask a crush the next year, but he made some lame excuse… since we were friends I know that he just didn’t really want to go to Prom. Either that or he didn’t want to be seen with me there.

I was not and I am not ugly, but I was and still am fat. I would like to be my high school fat now, which was a size 12. In the school that I grew up in there were not a lot of girls that were my size. The ones that were I remember their names and other details about them, because I was always comparing  myself to them. They were my real peers. As long as they were single than I could easily blame it on the weight rather than a personality issue. I still find myself comparing my current life to theirs…

I have always had weight on me, I never went up and down the scale, and I was not really that out of shape. But while in high school I never thought about how to lose it, and I never put blame on myself for being fat. It was just something that I was.

I was also nice. I worked hard at that, but unfortunately if you are nice than the clingies attach themselves to you. I always look back and at and realize that the reason that I did not have a bad high school life, or even a good one was that I let my friends pick me… I will have to write more about that another day soon.

So I was the nice, fat girl who never got any attention from boys. I remember thinking as I grew up on each birthday… I am 15 and single, I am 16, 17, 18…22, 23,…27, and recently 28.

Boy, oh boys have I learned a lot over the years. That is what brought me into the book store. I am in research mode about relationships. Is it something that I want, or is it something that I need?! Will I be ready for one if I get the chance or I am meant, by God’s will, to serve him in a life where I am single?

It not something I have never questioned before, but I would never admit that it was something that gave me such anxiety. I have based my life around this question without ever really asking it. I blamed my lack there-of relationships on chance, and I have pitied myself for not having one. Bad Luck I thought. I want to find out how I really feel about it, and I want to come to the best decision that I can. I am going to try my hardest to ask God’s guidance along the way.

If the situation is not going to change anytime soon, than I want my attitude to change. Wish me luck.