Did I ever tell you about the time…

Thats how much I miss him. But I would like to miss him more, if I knew that he felt the same. He might have moved on and think things are for the better. He might have his eye on someone new. I wish that he would say something to me about missing me… If he takes a step forward I will meet him.

Today I hide my profile. I no longer want to be on that dating website. I find myself checking to see when the last time he was on, and there is no reason for that. That tells me nothing…I need to distant myself from the idea that I am ready to jump into dating others. I am not sure from my reactions to dating him that I am ready for that. So I am trying to tell myself that I am taking a complete break from dating.

But in the way that I change my mind, I am not sure that will last.

After the first conversation with the guy, I was wondering if we were still dating or if it was over. Well, after he came and picked me up for a movie with friends, paid for me, and wanted to come in after the movie; I was thinking that we were still dating. I asked some questions about Sunday and I figured out, while we were both considering ourselves to be dating, we had varied options on what that meant.

He thought that we were hanging out still “without all the making out.” I was thinking we were still dating, but that I was going to date other people. Anyways, I will try and make another long story short. I made the decision that we were going to be just friends.

Mind you, at the start of the conversation, I was not hoping to end it all, but as he answered I realized that the answers were not adding up. I was sad that night, but I knew that once I made the choice, than I would be fine and bounce back fast… Here it is two days later and I feel great about it!

That night I felt so very sad, yesterday I felt ok, but today, after lunch with a friend, I am certain that the right choice was made.

I also think that while for most people it would have seemed rushed and harsh, it was the right choice for BOTH of us. He needs someone that will be happy with his sweet, laid back nature… and I am just too much for him to handle. Now instead of me worrying about making all the plans, I don’t have too. I am free to worry about me.

I have not done enough worring about the way my life has panned out. I have been living in the past instead of making great ones for the future. So as of Tuesday I am on the right path to making better ones!

I only hope that I feel the same after I see him again on Sunday at church. It might be strange, or it might make me feel even better!!!!

I had a conversation with the guy that I am dating… Yes again. We had another talk about how things are going.  I had called him to talk about one thing and it ended up being a very long conversation.

All I wanted to hear from him was that he liked me more than a friend, but he wasn’t really able to do that. Although he never said he just wanted to be my friend. He told me that he did not want to waste my time or hurt me. So in the process of all that I backed away, I put all those fun, happy feelings to the side. I am not sure if  I will be able to continue to date him, although we still have dates planned. I am not sure how a guy can say you are awesome in one sentence, and that he doesn’t want to take you off the market in the next. Why not?

So Ladies and maybe the one or two gentleman that read my blog… I am putting myself back on the actively seeking dating market. Since I was never off the market to begin with. Now, I am looking to find someone who thinks that they are worth my time. Boy, do I need some luck.

I thought that as I got older I would not care for my birthday, but as it turns out- I think I like them more. I enjoy surrounding myself with people I love. I enjoy getting cards mailed just for me. And I like the age reminder that another year of choices has come and gone. It seems to be a reminder to take care of the next year- choose wisely, and if you are lucky you’ll get to continue to have such good fortune!

Here’s to turning 28.

Well today was a good day. I felt that I could really breath today. By now you might have read all about the dating situation. It has gotten so much better… I will update.

On Monday after the letter was sent by email, I got a phone call at 10.05 pm. I was so happy to hear the phone ring that I was really afraid that the call was not from him. But he surprised me a little. I was thinking that he might avoid it all. The good news is he jumped right in. He told me that he was so worried after reading the note, that  he had to go to sleep. But since he wanted to make sure to call, he set an alarm so that he would wake up in time. I felt somewhat heavy about unloading all these things on him, I never wanted to hurt him.

Once on the phone he jumped right in, he said the facebook thing caught him off guard because he thought that we were already friends. He could see the pictures from the party already and thought that meant that we were friends. I believe him on that, because of our previous conversations about the site… so that just dropped off the list.

He then explained the whole church and the group thing and it made a lot of things clearer. While not all quite normal, it was nothing that I should be, that worried about. He really wants to find a church and feels comfortable with the group. I told him that I would not be comfortable with him coming to my church but that I would help him find another. I think that we are both at peace with that.

He came over yesterday and brought things back up to make sure that everything was alright. Which I was impressed by. He also brought me a blanket that I am using now… (I was delighted when it smelled, a little like him, as I pulled it out. He is one of the best smelling boys that I know, but he does not wear cologne.). After that talk, we both agreed that we were not dating others but were not ready to call each other girlfriend and boyfriend.

One very interesting part of the night was when I actually asked him if he had a crush on one of my friends. I had thought the he liked a certain girl because they had a lot in common. Well, he said no, but then confessed to having one on another friend. Which I wanted to laugh out loud about. He would pick the girl who would have nothing to do with him… I am not jealous at all. We talked about cheating and what that all meant. I think that he actually thought that it was wierd that I was telling him that is normal to have little crushes on people, and that I could see why he could like some of my friends because I think that they are awesome people. But we both agreed that if the other person was thinking more about someone else then we would just break it off and not be sneaky.

So, after talking for like forever I think that we are on a good honest path. I do not want to keep things in. It only makes me tense and I think that once I share with him what I am thinking, it only brings us closer. I hope that it is the same for both of us and not just with me… There is always that doubt that I will start to trust him and then get hurt!

Well today I could not get him out of my head.. I sent him a text about his work, I sent him a link to something that I thought he would like. He sent me a reply text and then later I sent him another text about wanting to cuddle with him. Wow, now that I think about it that was a lot! No real worries, he has already asked me out for tomorrow. “You think that you might wanna hang  out with me tomorrow?” umm  I think that I might reply, “Only if we can make out!” I would really like that.

Dear Guy that I am dating,

Well I hope that it does not bother you that I am sending you a note, but there are some things that I have been thinking about that I wanted to tell you. When we are talking in person I think that I sometimes try to act cool and make it less awkward. This is going to be a lot, but I feel that I want to just tell you what I am thinking.

I bring this up again, because the whole Saturday thing is still bugging me. When we were leaving the Birthday Party you said that you could not come to my house, it was because of your schedule and I let it slide, but then Sunday you told me it was because you were not in the mood, which confirmed why I felt rejected. I was grasping… I had spent most of sat trying to figure out what had changed between the dynamic of the two of us.

I have not been comfortable with you, really since after the party on the 23rd. While at the party I thought that you did an excellent job with my friends and that you fit in well. It was later when you were too tired to give me any affection, that I was disappointed. But I put it on the back burner because of the fact that you had worked and the party, and I did not hold that against you…. So then when I had not seen you in a week and a half and I got a “oh yeah, hi” kind of reception, that same rejection feeling came back.

I wanted to mention the whole deal with facebook. When you had first brought it up while we were talking I did not want to be friends on there, just because that is something that is private to me. While I hope that I seem like an open book there are some things that I feel should be for me. On Christmas day I was thinking about the picture from the party. So I sent you a request so that you could see it. Then it seemed that shortly after you were becoming friends with some of my friends. I thought wow that was fast. It was not until later that I was talking to B and she brought up the fact that you had sent her an add request that I realized you sent them add requests before we were even friends on there. Why did you not request to add me? Or why did you just not wait until I added you before finding my friends? Don’t you think that it would have been awkward if I had not just then decided to share that with you. I understand that it might seem weird to not want to share a public profile, but it is all connected to work.

Since I work at the church and I have been going here for a while more people are invested in knowing things about me. I do not want this to sound egotistical but I am a very friendly person and make it a point to outreach to several people, but I keep my dating life very private. This keeps people wondering about me. As you know most people in the world think that it is better when you are in a relationship. But for me I did not share with others because I really never dated. I would go on a few dates here and there, but it was never anything I wanted out there. Since I started the Gang, and it happened around the same time that we started dating I thought that it was ok to bring the two, my dating life and the gang, together. I guess I needed a little more time, hindsight.

The whole church thing is something else that I wanted to explain, because I felt you picked up on the idea that I was not very responsive to your joining of the Gang. If someone comes to church with you, at my church then it is a statement that the relationship is very serious. I am not ready for that. I might be ready tomorrow, or the next day, but today I am not. I feel that I need to be in a relationship that is strong in shared beliefs, but defining those takes time. Why do you want to come to my church?

I want to talk about the PDA. In a dating relationship with someone I want to feel like that person wants to be with me. I need to know, somehow, that you not only like me, but want others to know that as well. I am not a huge groping in public fan, but I do not see why holding hands or other casual affections cannot be there. If that is something that you will never ever be comfortable with I would like to know that.

It seems that your comfort level with us sharing kisses in private has changed as well. It might all be in my head, but I don’t feel that same connection. What is going on there?

As I wrote ALL of this, and I know that it is a hell of a lot. I was hoping that you would see this as me being honest with you and how I feel about things… not as a list of things I don’t like. I would not have put forth the effort to share and explain if I did not care. I am taking the risk that it makes me sound completely unreasonable and crazy to you. Also I do not intend to hurt your feelings. If I do ever hurt your feelings, or if you do not feel heard in any way, I hope that you feel comfortable sharing that with me.

I might seem strong in person and know what I want to do all the time, but I need a lead in the romantic department. Otherwise my mind gets carried away.

One last thing that I want to say because this letter seems so serious… I have never assumed that this was an exclusive relationship. I thought that this topic would come about when we were both ready for that. But I do not want to take the risk that you felt differently and had not brought it up.

Take your time to respond, If you want to call me later I get home around 10. You can write me back before we talk about it on Tuesday. If you need longer than let me know. But I do need these things addressed

 I am home for Christmas Vacation… and I am missing him. Yes I admit it. Everyday things seem to change that make me think that I have to decide today if I want to like him still. Why I have started this game I do not know… I measure everything, examine it, feel it out and then change my mind 10 times. By the end of today… actually UNTIL  just a few minutes ago I was thinking “You know it is nice to think that there is a very cute and normal guy waiting for me at home.” I will tell you a little bit of why I had come to that conclusion first, before I tell you how I have changed my mind.

Things had been going well. I had liked him (for me, because I always think that he is a wonderful guy) for four days straight. I had talked to him on Sunday and told him that I had been disappointed about something and he handled that well. I had gotten to see him on Monday and Tuesday. Wednesday he went with me to a Christmas Party and not only had fun but had made a good impression.

We even exchanged gifts. Where he gave me mixed signals… Well not really… the present was nice and expensive and practical… I was not expecting such a good gift so that threw me off. The slight little problem was that I was ready to make out and he was, yet again, tired. I mean come on, this effects a girl’s ego.  Anyways we said goodbye.

I did not know that the gift was as nice until I looked it up the next day. I was shocked and like “Uhhh that’s too much, really” I could feel myself pulling away. But I got over it and I thought well, he probably got it on sale, or it was a re-gift, and then, finally, it does not matter either way. I like it and that was nice of him no matter what.

Then came Christmas day.. I had seen that the pictures from the Christmas Party were online on a little known networking site called facebook. I thought that it was about time that I added him as a friend. We had talked about fb a couple of times, once before we met and he said that I should look him up, I thought it would be better to meet him first before he saw those awkward pictures of me… So I had waited.. then no time seemed like the right time, until then. So I sent him a friend request. He had accepted right away. While I was looking at his photos I realized that my friends from the party were showing up on his friends list.

“Hmm thats interesting, really that was kind of fast. I wonder if he found my friends or he found them.. How do I feel about each option. Well if he found my friends than thats ok, he liked them. Well, if they found him then thats ok. They liked him. So why am I even raising my eyebrows at this?”

Well in a conversation, later that night, with one of my friends I asked her if she added him. She said no, that he added her and she thought it would be ok, because we were already friends. I said that was fine, we were friends now and that there should be nothing for her to worry about. I then confessed why I had waited til that day to send the request. It was then that she told me that he had added her the day before… “What, huh,” so I asked her if she was sure.. Yes she was sure.

“So you are telling me that the guy that I am dating sent friend request to my friends and if somehow I did not happen to become his friend right before they all started to accept… they would have been friends with him first! Why does that bother me? I don’t know but it does, yes it does.”

So after I told my sister about it all, she told me in a rude manner that I was being crazy because it should not matter. He was excited about my friends and he was waiting for me to add him. I agreed that this might be the reason, but I wish he could have waited. ”What if I had not added him when I did? And how did he find everyone?”

Oh I forgot to tell you that he was immediately invited to my friend’s Birthday Party. I mean, I don’t know if we are going to end up in a boy/girlfriend situation and he is now coming to MY friends parties.  What if I did not go, would he go. This is why I did not want to be his friend on fbook!!

So I had Saturday to get over it and I actually sent him a note on facebook, he sent me back one and I decided that it would be fun to keep that going. So I wrote him a longer note and I still haven’t gotten one back. So it was driving me nuts, So I waited and called him when he got off work, and was still missing him later that night and sent a text ( he did reply)… So I thought today he would make some contact with me, but nothing.

I was thinking about how proud I was at myself for talking myself out of being crazy and thought, I can let this guy know that I like him. I mean he does like me, right?

Thats it a problem for me, when I start to wonder wether or not he likes me I want to run… When I think that the guys really likes me I want to run. Why because I can get hurt or disappointed? I know this…. I know this.

Another thing came up that I have to face… what if he is dating someone else? He could be now or it could happen in the future… Or he could be thinking that we are exclusive. We have never had the conversation and I have never asked… Today I was thinking that I would really like to know. Because if he is dating someone else, I would like to let my heart know. I do not want to bring it up, because I want the decision to be his. I would like for him to bring it up. Even if he is dating someone else I would not seek out others to date, and it would not cause me to like him less… I would just like to know… you know.

And tonight I was on the dating website that we met on. I was looking at my friends profile and he came online. I wanted to talk to him, but I thought that it would be wierd to talk to him on the site. “Why is he on there? Did he get a message from some chick? Why am I jealous?” I think these things and realize they make no sense. I mean, I too am on the site at that very moment. But then the moment passed and the countdown for the day came and went and no message, or call, or text from him. That would have been nice.

So I am guessing that I will have to sit and wait. I think that I need to make sure and not check my mail or phone all day. I need the break… but what happens is I wait all day to find out and then comes the end of another day and I wind up dissapointed…

Last night we had a great phone conversation. It was fun, and there were some deep parts of the conversation. Yup, I like him.

During the conversation I had gone on a tyrant of sorts about my car… I am having car trouble and I have not even made a payment on the vehicle yet. The dealer is being a jerk and I am all kinds of mad. Not to mention the fact that the dealership has yet to pay off my old car. So they owe me quite a lot of money. I liked his approach with me: he listened, didn’t take me to seriously, said he was sorry about the situation.

It went so well that I invited him to come along to an event with my single’s group. I think that he is nervous about being around people he does not know, but I think that he might come along. I was nervous about how well he would do with everyone and how everyone would do with him, but at this point I want to find out if he can hang. I also think that he would have fun, and I might have more fun with him there.

Since I have had this notion that I am ready to let things slide into something more, I am afraid that it’s not going to happen. But right now, I am comfortable with the idea that I am getting to know a great guy more. And funny… the things that bothered me yesterday, don’t bother me now.

 So things went well on my date just the other week… He is sweet, kind, and defiantly seems like a good guy. Here I will do a brief update.

The first date on Thursday was really not that awkward. We had fun. We went to dinner and then walked around holding hands. My favorite part of the date was when he slipped and fell, then got up and kissed me. I thought, “Wow, he knows how to recover.” And that night we did some more making out which really made me think that I would hear from him again.

The second date  was on Saturday, he came to my house to pick me up at 6.45pm and we didn’t really leave until 8pm (There was lots of kissing involved. We went to a Blue Grass Music thing and it was interesting. I believe that he liked it, I was curious how he would do at something that was an uncool event. When we came home we had lots more fun… and by the end of the date, I knew that he would not be able to come to my house again on the next date… We would have to meet somewhere. (Actually, I was thinking that if he did not call me again, then I would be fine with that. But we have talked everyday since then.)

The third date was on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving and has been my favorite, even though I was sick. We played cards, then went bowling, and then went to my house and competed again in all sorts of different ways… He won more than me, but if I beat him it was by a lot… The competing was fun and we both got into it, but neither of us was too competitive. I really enjoyed getting to know him and just having fun. By this date I was back to liking him.

The fourth date was last night. We ate pizza and then watched a movie. Where he then fell asleep. I mean he is a very hard worker, but I do not want things to slip into this too comfortable zone. I would have rather him rescheduled if he was that tired. But it did allow some snuggly time… Yeah I think I am being to harsh, but I was a little disappointed.

Ok, just so I give this guy some credit… He does call everyday, he hands out the right number of compliments, he notices when I change my toe nail polish, and he sends me sweet “thinking of you” text messages.

The strange thing is, I have problems with the fact that it already seems simple… While I dont know how to tell him, he needs to step up the creative dating. It seems like he waits to find out what I want to do and then comes along. And I appreciate that he wants to make me happy, I just wonder if after only two weeks things are settling into how they are going to be. I feel myself pulling away, all because things are too easy and that confirms my fear that I am nuts!

We will have to see how things go. I am very open to continuing to get to know him. At least out of all of this, I have met a great guy, who is cute and makes me feel sexy!

I do not feel like updating the blog, I have not written in a while… But the reason that I want to write today is because tomorrow, I have a date that I am excited about. I say date, but it is really a first meeting. He was the one that wanted to call it a date. I don’t really count it as a date until after we have met each other and want to go out again.

We have not been communicating that long, about three weeks. We emailed and then I gave him my number. We talked a little bit and then the other day I was getting bored so I told him we should met by email. He called yesterday and it was fun. We were both nervous, it was sweet conversation that left me giddy. (I am proud that I am letting myself get happy without getting attached.)

He is fun to talk to on the phone and he seems to have a back story that does not contain drama. We have talked a little about our growing up and so far I was the bad teenager. He was relatively sweet. We are both dorky I can tell you that, but I think that I might be more social. The one thing that he said was that he was a video gamer… And then defended himself by saying it did not control his life, but I am a little nervous that it might be a bigger part of his life than he realizes. But hey, as long as it doesn’t affect me, I don’t care. There is nothing wrong with it.

I am not worried about much, and I think that my mind-set right now is good. I am interested, but if it doesn’t work out, I will move on freely.

We are going to meet on the boardwalk where there are a lot of things to do. I think we might end up riding the roller coaster so I need to wear pants and ok shoes (I would rather wear cuter shoes). I think that I know what I would like to wear, but it all depends on the weather.. I hope its warm with a breeze. That would be great! I also know that the date will be a time limited one. He has to get up for work at 5am. I like a date with a start and an end time it helps me relax. Well thats enough over thinking for one day… On to the real world.

Side note, I told my Mom about it and she was not too happy, First- I met him on the internet. My sister met a guy off the internet and they dated for a while and she could not stand the guy. He had a very different religion. Second- I told her he was Hispanic. I do not think that my mom thinks all white “True Blooded” americans are superior, just that everyone should stick with their kind. I think she would have just as much problem with me dating a northerner to tell the truth. Funny Lady. She is all judge no bite!