If you are a reader of my blog I would like to read yours. Please leave me a comment with your blog and I will add you to my blogroll. I have a few posts that I am going to try to add real soon that will explain my lack of writing, and of course have a whole bunch of nonsense mixed in.
I went to the used book store to find a book on what I thought was my lasted obsession… Being single. I will tell more about the hunt for the right book in the next post, but I discovered something at the check out.
The girl, who was ringing up my transaction, looked familiar. In fact I knew that she was one of my friend CC’s friend. I told the girl and we agreed that was indeed, where I knew her from. We talked about how much fun that dinner had been. I remember the conversation was animated. CC had gotten together four of her friends and we had gathered to eat sushi. We were all talking a little about ourselves and how we knew CC. One of the friends meet CC through her husband that knew CC’s husband. I figured out pretty soon that I was the only single girl there. ( That did not bother me.)
Sorry… I know it is taking me a long time to reach a point, but unless you have never read any of my post, you knew what you were getting into. So I remembered the dinner, and how I found myself asking each of the ladies how they met their husband or boyfriend… Where were they when they met… did things go fast/slow… I did not grill the people, but it was defiantly something that I was interested in finding out. I don’t remember the clerk’s story, but I do remember that night thinking “There is someone for everyone.” I hope that did not come off sounding catty, she is a sweet girl who would not be entirely normal.
After I left the book store I was thinking about how many times I have met new people and I ask them their story, I have asked my grandparents, my friends, and even complete strangers (Give me a break, I used to work retail, you would be surprised how often that comes up.) I just love hearing people tell it. It might have more to do with the way the person tells it. Everyone gets a little dewy-eyed, they slow down in remembrance and you can see how they feel lucky. It is their own unique story, yet they share it with another.
When I came to that realization of how I question so many, I had to admit that I am relationship obsessed. I have been VERY single, my whole life in fact. When girls were getting crushes and going steady for a day in grade school, I was day dreaming. It never bugged me that I had not had a fling, or even had my hair pulled in a teasing manner.
That is, until my freshman year in high school. It was homecoming, and I wanted to go. So I decided that I would ask a boy. Well, that boy said no. He had already asked someone. Then I asked another who was going to ask someone else, and then I went ahead and asked another. He said no, and it wasn’t till later when I heard one of his girlfriends basically making fun of me that it hit me. I was not someone who a guy wanted to go to a dance with. Ouch. I did not know this type of rejection.
It was my first real taste and it was horrible… I had never even had someone who didn’t want to be my friend. I had never been aware of someone really making fun of me in a hateful way. There had been some teasing from a boy in eighth grade, but I didn’t really take it that personal.
I never did ask a boy out to anything again til Prom my junior year. I asked a guy who I had a HUGE crush on, but he was friends with all my friends, so it was a given that he would go with me. (That guy is now married to my best friend at that time.) I also asked because I knew if I did not ask anyone than I would never be asked. I did ask a crush the next year, but he made some lame excuse… since we were friends I know that he just didn’t really want to go to Prom. Either that or he didn’t want to be seen with me there.
I was not and I am not ugly, but I was and still am fat. I would like to be my high school fat now, which was a size 12. In the school that I grew up in there were not a lot of girls that were my size. The ones that were I remember their names and other details about them, because I was always comparing myself to them. They were my real peers. As long as they were single than I could easily blame it on the weight rather than a personality issue. I still find myself comparing my current life to theirs…
I have always had weight on me, I never went up and down the scale, and I was not really that out of shape. But while in high school I never thought about how to lose it, and I never put blame on myself for being fat. It was just something that I was.
I was also nice. I worked hard at that, but unfortunately if you are nice than the clingies attach themselves to you. I always look back and at and realize that the reason that I did not have a bad high school life, or even a good one was that I let my friends pick me… I will have to write more about that another day soon.
So I was the nice, fat girl who never got any attention from boys. I remember thinking as I grew up on each birthday… I am 15 and single, I am 16, 17, 18…22, 23,…27, and recently 28.
Boy, oh boys have I learned a lot over the years. That is what brought me into the book store. I am in research mode about relationships. Is it something that I want, or is it something that I need?! Will I be ready for one if I get the chance or I am meant, by God’s will, to serve him in a life where I am single?
It not something I have never questioned before, but I would never admit that it was something that gave me such anxiety. I have based my life around this question without ever really asking it. I blamed my lack there-of relationships on chance, and I have pitied myself for not having one. Bad Luck I thought. I want to find out how I really feel about it, and I want to come to the best decision that I can. I am going to try my hardest to ask God’s guidance along the way.
If the situation is not going to change anytime soon, than I want my attitude to change. Wish me luck.
I thought that as I got older I would not care for my birthday, but as it turns out- I think I like them more. I enjoy surrounding myself with people I love. I enjoy getting cards mailed just for me. And I like the age reminder that another year of choices has come and gone. It seems to be a reminder to take care of the next year- choose wisely, and if you are lucky you’ll get to continue to have such good fortune!
Here’s to turning 28.
Have you ever had one of those mornings that you feel great and happy. Then it hits you, wham… bam… ah ha… you remember that you are fat! It could be as simple as a picture that was taken from a bad angle or several pictures taken from all different angles and from several different events and several different places, and from several people’s cameras. Then you start to re-look at the pictures that you used to love.
“Oh in this one, it looks like my left eye is way bigger than my right… Great I am fat and have misshapen eyes. And what is that! I actually liked this picture.”
Those are the times in which I want to return home and work on my inner beauty! Ha, actually I just want to go to sleep and pretend that I never saw them.
While I am on the whole picture thing… let me say that if there is a picture of me with my friends, and any of them do not look better than they actually do in real life, I will not parade that picture around for everyone to see and comment on how lovely “I” look that day. So friends of mine if it is a great picture of you PLEASE CROP ME OUT! Thank you.
And don’t get me started on pictures of you that you hate and then someone with good intentions says “It’s not bad!” Well that makes me feel better. You just confirmed it. My mirror at home is rigged, because I have never looked so horrible in all my life… or so I thought… and now you are telling me that is what I actually look like.
Phew, I feel better!
Oh just one more… Once I had taken some pictures of myself after a day of playing with my make-up, mainly eye shadow, and when my sister saw my lovely model shots… “That looks nothing like you!” Thanks Sis, love you too!
So I am driving the “new to me” car and I realize that after all the work I did… meaning all the nights I searched and searched online. all the dealerships that I went to over and over. plus all the test drives. and looking and debating… that now all that time does not feel wasted. In fact I think that I could have spent more time, but I am happy with my decision. And it was the first time, in a long time, that I applied continually pressure on myself to get something done the right way. Which helped with my thinking about what my future holds. Once I decide to do something about it, it gets done. Hmmm, what’s next.
Plus it took some of the mental pressure that I put on myself to get it done yesterday. I always feel that I am catching up and corrected the things I should have done in the first place. I am working on this whole slowing down process, and thats slow work.
I love this weather. I love walking outside and feel that ping in the air. I love how people seem to smile more. And I think that I tend to have more crushes in the fall. Its the same time of the year in which I decide that I should try and go out on a couple of dates before the year changes.
I do have a two tiny crushes at the moment. One is with the guy who is selling me a car… But at this point in the very frustrating car hunt I kind of worry about myself. I can’t even focus on important things without my mind going to the “hmm, he is kind of cute.” Come to think of it I had a crush on the guy that was fixing my car just the other month. Anyways, this guy actually invitied me to come and watch a band play. Its the owner of the dealership’s band and they were having a private party. So it could have been just one of those I would really like to sell you a car sort of things. I did not go, but kind of wished that I had.
The other will not happen. He is on his way to be divorced, but there is NO WAY that I will get caught in the middle of that. There are way too many guys out there for that… But a group of us went out for lunch and I just got that attraction vibe. But I do not know the man, or the situation that he is coming from.
Well thats about all the news there is… Actually I am sure there has been a lot more that has gone on, but at the moment I do not really feel like writing about it. All I wanted to do was write about my crushes so that I could have a little more fun with it.
I really do not know what the deal is. I will make plans to have people over to my house. I will call and invite them over and they say that they would love to come over. And then I get excited… even though I know that I probably should not. I love to entertain. I like to cook and clean and get my house ready for company.
There is this crazy thing that happens from the end of the phone call to the day that the person is to arrive at my house. I am guessing that there is some crazy alien that is madly in love with me. This alien would be jealous that he does not get to spend time with me. The reason for that is well, because I do not believe in aliens.Anyways, this alien, let’s call him Al, is a very jealous creature. He does not want anyone getting close to me. So once he hears that they are coming to my house, he somehow uses his powers to make them back out hours before they are to arrive. See he is tricky, he knows that if they cancelled earlier than I would make other plans.
Well Al, I am tired of it. You have done a wonderful job of making me run through friends like water. See after they cancel on me, I do not invite them to do anything. I let them invite me to something several times before I try again… and then if they cancel twice thats it, they are taken off my buddy list. I do have a number of friends that do most of the contacting, but I think to have a great relationship that it should be about equal give and take.
I would like to think that I am a person that has a lot of friends, but it might make more sense to say that I am a person that had a lot of friends. Is it just normal behavior for people to be so flakey! Well, I am tired of it. I am going to be doing some serious friend weeding, so to speak. And don’t worry if you are a close enough friend that I have told you about this blog than you are someone I want to continue to know.
I guess that could be code for, “Oh I feel bad, I want a cookie.” But today all it means is that I want a cookie. And not just any old choc chip. I want the kind with the icing in the middle. And not just any icing but the really crunchy thick kind. Yummm. You know the ones like they have at the mall.
But I will not get one today, no. Because I want a cookie so bad, I will go jogging this afternoon. Then I can jog out the angry that I have on the fact that I can not have a cookie!
Last Sunday I got a text from Matthew, asking if I wanted to go on a road trip to Tn, since it was a holiday. I thought well there is no other way that I will get to go home anytime soon unless I went. I worked it out with work and they said go for it! So on Friday at 4am we left. The trip was easy. I also had to learn how to drive a manual transmission … I had driven some people home from late night events when I was the only one who could drive… but I had never driven far. Going from 5 miles down the road to 850 was a stretch. But I think that I did a really great job. At least I know that I am good in 5th gear!!!
We made it and I got to spend the night with Belle. Her husband was out of town. So we were really able to talk. It made me realize how much I not only miss her, but miss being there for her. Do you ever have a friend in which you think that others really don’t appreciate the person? The wonderful person they have in front of them? By the end of the night my heart was hurting for her. I wish I could have made it all go away.
So I got to sleep in on Saturday (Thank goodness!) and then my sister came to pick me up to bring me in for the surprise. I had only told my brother and sister that I was in town. No one else knew. We got to the family cabin and it really was a fun surprise.
My grandfathers 88th birthday was the Monday before and I had called him to say Happy Birthday and he had even asked when I was coming in to see them… Yup, I had lied to my 88 year old grandpa and on his birthday! But he was thrilled. My mom even had tears.
The family get together was great! I got to eat some yummies, laugh with distant cousins and ride a mini-trail… for those of you who do not know what that is… Well it’s a tiny motorcycle. I had tried to ride it years, and years ago and it out ran me… My brother had given me such a hard time about it that I did not try again. But then this weekend I was looking at it, and thought why not! I was afraid that I would get hurt, because let’s face it I always do. But no, it was easy and fun and the whole time I am riding I am thinking “WEEEEEEE!” and then “Why did you wait so long!!!” “Weeee” and then “oh noo.. Umm where are the brakes!!” It was ok because I was on the road all by myself and I just let it take longer to stop… ( no one had to see the embarrassing moment) Later I found out that the brakes were not in the best shape. My sister yelled at me, asking why I had not told her as she drove into the field. How was I supposed to know, it was the first time that I had ridden the thing?!
I really did enjoy my trip. It only made the fact that I am so far away from the family even more obvious. I am ready to move closer. Now all I need to do is get my act together and find a job. But speaking of jobs I need to get back to the one I do have!
Well I have not heard from Rex… I asked my friends who were there if I acted wierd or anything. They told me that was not the case and I hope that they would tell me the truth. BEFF suggested that I make the next contact, but I do not think that I want too. First because he was doing the old fashioned thing and taking the lead, which I liked. And second, if he is not that crazy about me I would rather find that out now rather than later… And yes I know that it was not that long ago but with the previous pattern I would have thought that he would have called, emailed, or something… Hmmm