Posts Tagged ‘more than you ever wanted to know’

To the future…

As I sit thinking about my future I am glad that I was able to have a visit from my past. My best friend that dates back to when I was 15 came to see me for the week. It was at an unexpected time to have old memories come back into my life. My decisions of the past seven years have come to the forefront. With the semester coming to a close I have to decide where I am going to be, and who I am now.

I have put this off for about two years. I quit my job, my career and who I was becoming at the end of the summer two years ago. I told myself that I was not running away but changing the future. But I did run away and this was not the first time that I have made up my mind and jumped into things. The first time was when I decided to move to Texas. It was following my 21st birthday. The day I felt alone.

I had, like most young adults, been looking forward to the day in which it seems freedom comes. I had been an adult since I turned 18, and I had voted, but I felt almost there… Then when I bought my car and I was making money and I could do what I wanted. I started to make sure that I was taking my life in my own hands. Certain things that I was supposed to do were slowly being replaced with things I choose.

I choose to not go to college. I thought that I needed some time to decide who I wanted to be. I had not made the best grades in high school not because I couldn’t make them but because I could not make the best grades and get by. So I had no scholarships to fall back on. Unlike most seniors I had not even thought about what college that I was going to attend. With my family it was not assumed that I would go. I choose to work.

Because I could live at home I got a job. The reason I decided to apply for this job was the fact the guy working there was adorable. Plus the retail store seemed to fit. It had character and the music was right up my alley. And now that I think about it Katy was right there with me when I first thought about going to apply.

The day of my interview the Manager was out sick and one of the assistants gave me the interview. It was a good interview and it was when I meet Lacy that I knew things were going to go well. A friendship started that showed me that someone could travel and make their way away from their family. She was so strong and vulnerable. She told the manager how much she liked me and they offered me the job later that day. I did not hesitate when I took the job.

It wasn’t long till I became an assistant for the Holidays and the job fit. I like people and helping them. There was something about spending time with someone and they left feeling like they were heard. They had value and not with just money but also with their options. You, the salesperson, also had value because you were able to fit their needs. I showed promise and I could get the job done. I moved up a position when the girl that hired me was fired. She was not actually doing anything wrong it was just the combination of personalities and being in the wrong place at the wrong time for her and the opposite for me.

I liked the job, the people that I worked with, and the money. It was going great until I learned a very important lesson. Take care of yourself first. It was when the district manager was scheduled to visit. I stayed late that day trying to make sure that the store looked good. I worked on the whole store, but put off doing my section last. The others were not there to make sure that whole store looked good. By the time that I got to the children’s section I was tired and did not pay enough attention. So when the DM came to visit and tore my section apart it hurt, way more than it should. My boss did not stick up for me but he also couldn’t. The DM, looking back was not a confident person and not a good boss. By the time he had left my fate was sealed. I was weak and of no value to the company.

I was transferred months later to another store. The floor plan was different, the mall was different and all of this was not a great fit. It started that I came in and found that all my past hard work and the fact that I had worked my way up was of no measure. One of the staff members there was jealous. I was young and I got the job that they wanted. It was at that store and on a day working with this guy when 911 happened. I was headed to the bank and remember going inside to an eerie experience. There was a TV playing in the lobby and the picture was jumping due to the lack of reception. Everyone was mournful but no one knew what to do. As we watched the second airplane hit. As the second airplane crashed the true terror set in. We all did what we supposed to do and I got my change and headed back to the store. When I got back to the car I turned on the radio to find that nothing had changed, regular music kept playing and it seemed that the rest of the world was not up to speed. I headed inside and the guy came to work. At that time my Mom called to tell me the news that they were thinking that America was under attack. They were worried that very public places would be in danger. Like the malls. I made the decision then that I wanted to be home. This job was not that important. I called home office and told them that we were leaving. The guy did not want to go afraid that he would not be paid. I tried to tell him that there was no way that this would be the case. It was pretty much the first swing that I had taken that got him out of his corner. From then on he was up and swinging. I had taken the importance factor out of his job. To him it was the paycheck and the main reason of his life.

Things came to a boil as the weeks progressed. I was constantly fighting with the guy. I was getting in trouble at work and had no back up. Others were gathering in his corner and I realized that I had to stand up fight and then get out of there. It came when I was written up for supposedly changing the time sheets. I had not done this and I wrote a letter that was amazing and demanded that a meeting be held. I cleared my name but my boss at the time told me that I had been pegged a problem and she was told that I could be dismissed at any time. I waited till it was clear that I wasn’t scared of the guy and quit. Right before Thanksgiving.

The night that I quit I had so many emotions … so many. My crush of several years was the one that came and cheered me up. For really the first time and I think the last time he was the best friend that he could have been. But he was the one guy that I would talk about and analyze for many more years of my life and actually anyone that really knows me now has heard about him. I have since made my peace with myself… for not feeling so guilty for loving someone who I should not have.

The moments that added up to the move to my current home were 1. A new job with the company that I would be with for 6 years… 2. The night that Harrison turned 21 (which was when I truly gave up on the idea of us… but not the hope of what could have been)… 3. When my 21st birthday did not contain the magic that I thought it would hold…

The night before my birthday it started to snow… it was cold and the road conditions were bad. By the next morning it did not look great. I was the only one that could make it to work and it was a ghost town. There were very few employees at the other stores but since it was a retail job of course our store had to be open. I was sad, I was not supposed to work that day and my friends had already started to call and tell me that they were not going to make it to my birthday celebration. I turned on the music to the store and the song “All by myself” comes on the radio. And it made me too sad to cry. Later that night my family came out and my friend Stephanie made it. We were all eating when I see Harrison walking in, but the joy is quickly replaced when I see that he has brought Her with him. Why would he… she was the reason that all hope was gone… why on this night was it thrown back into my face.

Looking back I should have been tougher. I should have been stronger, but I wasn’t. I was ready to go… When the chance came for me to move there was little choice. Why would I stay…there was nothing to keep me.

Does this mean that I did not love the people who were important to me…? This is a hard question. It was hard for me to love when I didn’t feel loved. But I was loved and I am loved. The difference now is I love myself. So the one thing that I am not scared of is who I am becoming now. So here is to the future.

 

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