Posts Tagged ‘boys’

Relationship Obessed…

  I went to the used book store to find a book on what I thought was my lasted obsession… Being single. I will tell more about the hunt for the right book  in the next post, but I discovered something at the check out.

The girl, who was ringing up my transaction, looked familiar. In fact I knew that she was one of my friend CC’s friend. I told the girl and we agreed that was indeed, where I knew her from. We talked about how much fun that dinner had been. I remember the conversation was animated. CC had gotten together four of her friends and we had  gathered to eat sushi. We were all talking a little about ourselves and how we knew CC. One of the friends meet CC through her husband that knew CC’s husband. I figured out pretty soon that I was the only single girl there. ( That did not bother me.)

Sorry… I know it is taking me a long time to reach a point,  but unless you have never read any of my post, you knew what you were getting into. So I remembered the dinner, and how I found myself asking each of the ladies how they met their husband or boyfriend… Where were they when they met… did things go fast/slow… I did not grill the people, but it was defiantly something that I was interested in finding out. I don’t remember the clerk’s story, but I do remember that night thinking “There is someone for everyone.” I hope that did not come off sounding catty, she is a sweet girl who would not be entirely normal.

After I left the book store  I was thinking about how many times I have met new people and I ask  them their story, I have asked my grandparents, my friends,  and even complete strangers (Give me a break, I used to work retail, you would be surprised how often that comes up.) I just love hearing people tell it. It might have more to do with the way the person tells it. Everyone gets a little dewy-eyed, they slow down in remembrance and you can see how they feel lucky. It is their own unique story, yet they share it with another.

When I came to that realization of how I question so many, I had to admit that I am relationship obsessed. I have been VERY single, my whole life in fact. When girls were getting crushes and going steady for a day in grade school, I was day dreaming. It never bugged me that I had not had a fling, or even had my hair pulled in a teasing manner.

That is, until my freshman year in high school. It was homecoming, and I wanted to go. So I decided that I would ask a boy. Well, that boy said no. He had already asked someone. Then I asked another who was going to ask someone else, and then I went ahead and asked another. He said no, and it wasn’t till later when I heard one of his girlfriends basically making fun of me that it hit me. I was not someone who a guy wanted to go to a dance with. Ouch. I did not know this type of rejection.

It was my first real taste and it was horrible… I had never even had someone who didn’t want to be my friend. I had never been aware of someone really making fun of me in a hateful way. There had been some teasing from a boy in eighth grade, but I didn’t really take it that personal.

I never did ask a boy out to anything again til Prom my junior year. I asked a guy who I had a HUGE crush on, but he was friends with all my friends, so it was a given that he would go with me. (That guy is now married to my best friend at that time.) I also asked because I knew if I did not ask anyone than I would never be asked. I did ask a crush the next year, but he made some lame excuse… since we were friends I know that he just didn’t really want to go to Prom. Either that or he didn’t want to be seen with me there.

I was not and I am not ugly, but I was and still am fat. I would like to be my high school fat now, which was a size 12. In the school that I grew up in there were not a lot of girls that were my size. The ones that were I remember their names and other details about them, because I was always comparing  myself to them. They were my real peers. As long as they were single than I could easily blame it on the weight rather than a personality issue. I still find myself comparing my current life to theirs…

I have always had weight on me, I never went up and down the scale, and I was not really that out of shape. But while in high school I never thought about how to lose it, and I never put blame on myself for being fat. It was just something that I was.

I was also nice. I worked hard at that, but unfortunately if you are nice than the clingies attach themselves to you. I always look back and at and realize that the reason that I did not have a bad high school life, or even a good one was that I let my friends pick me… I will have to write more about that another day soon.

So I was the nice, fat girl who never got any attention from boys. I remember thinking as I grew up on each birthday… I am 15 and single, I am 16, 17, 18…22, 23,…27, and recently 28.

Boy, oh boys have I learned a lot over the years. That is what brought me into the book store. I am in research mode about relationships. Is it something that I want, or is it something that I need?! Will I be ready for one if I get the chance or I am meant, by God’s will, to serve him in a life where I am single?

It not something I have never questioned before, but I would never admit that it was something that gave me such anxiety. I have based my life around this question without ever really asking it. I blamed my lack there-of relationships on chance, and I have pitied myself for not having one. Bad Luck I thought. I want to find out how I really feel about it, and I want to come to the best decision that I can. I am going to try my hardest to ask God’s guidance along the way.

If the situation is not going to change anytime soon, than I want my attitude to change. Wish me luck.

To the future

As I sit thinking about my future I am glad that I was able to have a visit from my past. My best friend that dates back to when I was 15 came to see me for the week. It was at an unexpected time to have old memories come back into my life. My decisions of the past seven years have come to the forefront. With the semester coming to a close I have to decide where I am going to be, and who I am now. I have put this off for about two years.

I quit my job, my career and who I was becoming at the end of the summer two years ago. I told myself that I was not running away but changing the future. But I did run away and this was not the first time that I have made up my mind and jumped into things. The first time was when I decided to move to Texas. It was following my 21st birthday. The day I felt alone.

I had, like most young adults, been looking forward to the day in which it seems freedom comes. I had been an adult since I turned 18, and I had voted, but I felt almost there… Then when I bought my car and I was making money and I could do what I wanted. I started to make sure that I was taking my life in my own hands. Certain things that I was supposed to do were slowly being replaced with things I choose.

 I choose to not go to college. I thought that I needed some time to decide who I wanted to be. I had not made the best grades in high school not because I couldn’t make them but because I could not make the best grades and get by. So I had no scholarships to fall back on. Unlike most seniors I had not even thought about what college that I was going to attend. With my family it was not assumed that I would go.

I choose to work. Because I could live at home I got a job. The reason I decided to apply for this job was the fact the guy working there was adorable. Plus the retail store seemed to fit. It had character and the music was right up my alley. And now that I think about it Belle was right there with me when I first thought about going to apply.

The day of my interview the Manager was out sick and one of the assistants gave me the interview. It was a good interview and it was when I meet Lacy that I knew things were going to go well. A friendship started that showed me that someone could travel and make their way away from their family. She was so strong and vulnerable. She told the manager how much she liked me and they offered me the job later that day.

 I did not hesitate when I took the job. It wasn’t long till I became an assistant for the Holidays and the job fit. I like people and helping them. There was something about spending time with someone and they left feeling like they were heard. They had value and not with just money but also with their options. You, the salesperson, also had value because you were able to fit their needs. I showed promise and I could get the job done.

I moved up a position when the girl that hired me was fired. She was not actually doing anything wrong it was just the combination of personalities and being in the wrong place at the wrong time for her and the opposite for me. I liked the job, the people that I worked with, and the money.

It was going great until I learned a very important lesson. Take care of yourself first. It was when the district manager was scheduled to visit. I stayed late that day trying to make sure that the store looked good. I worked on the whole store, but put off doing my section last. The others were not there to make sure that whole store looked good. By the time that I got to the children’s section I was tired and did not pay enough attention. So when the DM came to visit and tore my section apart it hurt, way more than it should. My boss did not stick up for me but he also couldn’t. The DM, looking back was not a confident person and not a good boss.

By the time he had left my fate was sealed. I was weak and of no value to the company. I was transferred months later to another store. The floor plan was different, the mall was different and all of this was not a great fit. It started that I came in and found that all my past hard work and the fact that I had worked my way up was of no measure. Also one of the staff members there was jealous. I was young and I got the job that they wanted.

 It was at that store and on a day working with this guy when 9-11 happened. I was headed to the bank and remember going inside to an eerie experience. There was a TV playing in the lobby and the picture was jumping due to the lack of reception. Everyone was mournful but no one knew what to do. As we watched the second airplane hit. As the second airplane crashed the true terror set in. We all did what we supposed to do and I got my change and headed back to the store.

When I got back to the car I turned on the radio to find that nothing had changed, regular music kept playing and it seemed that the rest of the world was not up to speed. I headed inside and the guy came to work. At that time my Mom called to tell me the news that they were thinking that America was under attack. They were worried that very public places would be in danger. Like the malls. I made the decision then that I wanted to be home.

This job was not that important. I called home office and told them that we were leaving. The guy did not want to go afraid that he would not be paid. I tried to tell him that there was no way that this would be the case. It was pretty much the first swing that I had taken that got him out of his corner. From then on he was up and swinging. I had taken the importance factor out of his job. To him it was the paycheck and the main reason of his life.

Things came to a boil as the weeks progressed. I was constantly fighting with the guy. I was getting in trouble at work and had no back up. Others were gathering in his corner and I realized that I had to stand up fight and then get out of there. It came when I was written up for supposedly changing the time sheets. I had not done this and I wrote a letter that was amazing and demanded that a meeting be held. I cleared my name but my boss at the time told me that I had been pegged a problem and she was told that I could be dismissed at any time. I waited till it was clear that I wasn’t scared of the guy and quit. Right before Thanksgiving.

The night that I quit I had so many emotions … so many. My crush of several years was the one that came and cheered me up. For really the first time, and I think the last time, he was the best friend that he could have been. But he was the one guy that I would talk about and analyze for many more years of my life and actually anyone that really knows me now has heard about him. I have since made my peace with myself… for not feeling so guilty for loving someone who I should not have.

The moments that added up to the move to my current home were:

 1. A new job with the company that I would be with for 6 years…

2. The night that Harry turned 21 (which was when I truly gave up on the idea of us… but not the hope of what could have been)…

3. When my 21st birthday did not contain the magic that I thought it would hold… The night before my birthday it started to snow… it was cold and the road conditions were bad. By the next morning it did not look great. I was the only one that could make it to work and it was a ghost town. There were very few employees at the other stores but since it was a retail job of course our store had to be open.

 I was sad, I was not supposed to work that day and my friends had already started to call and tell me that they were not going to make it to my birthday celebration. I turned on the music to the store and the song “All by myself” comes on the radio. And it made me too sad to cry.

Later that night my family came out and my friend Setty made it. We were all eating when I see Harry walking in, but the joy is quickly replaced when I see that he has brought Her with him. Why would he… she was the reason that all hope was gone… why on this night was it thrown back into my face. Looking back I should have been tougher. I should have been stronger, but I wasn’t.

I was ready to go… When the chance came for me to move there was little choice. Why would I stay…there was nothing to keep me. Does this mean that I did not love the people who were important to me…? This is a hard question. It was hard for me to love when I didn’t feel loved. But I was loved and I am loved. The difference now is I love myself. So the one thing that I am not scared of is who I am becoming now. So here is to the future.

My So Called Dating Life

I do not think that I am cut out for this. I read somewhere the other day that “Everyone has the dating life that they want.” I was thinking about that statement and it immediately made me want to shake my head and pout like a three year old.

Na huh! If that was the case then I would have this fabulous dating life. Dating and befriending guys of all types.

I mean I am a very social person now, but I have few guy friends. I blame this on the fact that until recently I worked with all women… and to give myself some credit I do have some more now that I made some from classes.

So I got to thinking about it and I think that that phrase is right. I meet gentlemen all the time, but I rarely come across a guy I would like to date. And I would say that I have been lucky enough to not date the ones that I thought that I wanted to. They were usually all wrong and I do not think that they would appreciate me. I would have ended up hurt and then not able to make clear choices in the future.

The fact that I am saying that I am glad that I have the dating life that I have is a huge deal!

The reason that I think this is because in my previous blog I wrote about the Dinosaur Dance, where at the end of it I was asked by a polite guy for my email. I gave it to him, oh fun I guess that I will give him a blog name of Rex, just because I like giving people a blog name, not because I really want to be secretive Anyways Rex sent me a nice hello and I wrote back. Well a couple of hours later he wrote back… and this just got me to thinking.

I don’t think that I want to do THIS. This as defined as :          Well, there is no easy way to define this small thing that I am giving way too much thought too. I gave him my email but I was not excited about it, but then I thought it was nice that he did write. Guys tend to start something and not follow through. Then I made up my mind that since this was no big deal… I mean I usually do not find any harm in sending a couple of emails.  It’s not like there are true feelings involved.  For all I know he was being nice… I would just write him a while and see what happens.

I am worried that somehow I will hurt someone… I am worried that I will go out with him and not like him and then be pulled into this strange world of wonder ifs, even more… I am worried that if I decide that I just don’t want to talk to the guy that my friends will be disappointed and it will make me feel worse… I am worried that I am being too picky for no good reason…  I am worried that I am becoming bitter.

So I think that I am going to put off talking to him until I know a little more of what I want. I don’t want to jump to any kind of conclusions about anything… plus I need to focus on the other things going on. Like the small task of planning the rest of my life. HA

I Just Want to Dance with Somebody…

I knew that I was going to have fun, I had gone to something like this last year. I headed over to Dancer’s house to get ready. As a girl I have always noticed that I always have fun when I get ready with someone else. There’s something about looking forward to an event and then sharing that excitement with someone else. After she made me a lovely cocktail we were picked up by our Bubbly, sweet driver, I think that Bubbly will be a great name for her here.

We got to the Museum and met up with Dancer’s cousin. And headed in. Mixers2-256The night just had this high energy. We walked into the main room and the lights were low and the dinosaur exhibits were dimly lit. The Salsa music beat through the place nicely. There is something magical about live music. Your ear instantly knows that this is a treat and listens that much closer. We hopped into line and picked up some goodies. The crowd was amazingly Big City, there were people of all ages and types, but we all seemed to fit. Later a beer bought from a cute attendee only added to my thoughts that this night was going to be great.

So we made our way past Big Rex and right to the dance floor. Where we watched others dance. Have you ever wanted to dance and you have to hold yourself still. Well that is how I feel whenever I hear music. So it didn’t take too long till I was tired of being still. And you might ask why I was holding back… well I was waiting to be asked. I have started going dancing at least once a month. This last month was Swing Dancing and I hope that I write about that soon, but during that dance I was asked to dance so often that I had to turn men down, just so that I could catch my breath. This night was not like this. The place was packed and this was supposed to be some sort of Mixer right… I thought that the whole point was to mingle.

I know what you are thinking, if you wanted to dance… why did you not ask? Well I have an answer, be it one that I am not proud of. I Did Not Want To. I wanted to be asked. But I wanted my friend to be asked more. Dancer is a beautiful and lovely girl. She would be the best girlfriend to a guy. But starting slower, she is a great dancer. She has been taking Salsa for awhile and I love when I get to see her dance. She is so graceful and proud. When she spins and turns, it is the one time that Everyone can see her love for the world. I wanted her to get asked… I wanted her to have to turn away the men and be carefree. There were actually several guys in this group of Mixers, which she had danced with in the past thru class and other events, but all those were in a different place and a different time.

Why they didn’t ask I do not know… there seems to be only one hard fact, and it was the same reason that I stood there painfully still. We are not skinny. Bubbly was carefree, she was a great dancer, and she remained busy the whole night… She is skinny. This only made it worse… this only made it harder.  I was jealous… and it made me wonder why so many gentlemen have a problem with my weight if I don’t… or do I?

It also seems that this is the only reason that I can think of for my usually empty dance card. Mind you it might have started with one look from a skinny person, but now me being fat is a problem. This suborn part of me does not want to let go of my outer shell. It is the wall that I have to keeps me safe. It gives me a clear reason why I am rejected… But then the question comes into play. Is every single guy out there shallow? There is no way that this can be, so it has to something different.

So why am I in this dance? Is it because I have to dance alone… because no partner could come along and dance with me that would fix the problem… If someone came into my life and loved my body for every curve and roll would I magically be fine with them. I doubt it. But I do think that my weight is a huge (no pun intended) issue for my love life. There are many other insecurities… and things that I need to just stop worrying about. And to tell you the truth I feel like this is happening. The examples of that are small but are adding up and I feel like I will explain them more in another blog, but I want to get back to the story of that night…

 We were tired of being downstairs and moved upstairs where we stayed for a good part of the night. I actually enjoyed it up there because I could watch others dance and not feel like I was not being asked. It really was a neat place to be on a summer night. We later went downstairs in a last attempt to move on the dance floor. And there I was when I realized that I did not want to wait to dance. I could dance alone, so I got Dancer to hesitantly start to move… I don’t know if I had not noticed it before but then it appeared that all those around us were dancing too, alone. It was not long until it was too hot to stay there and be comfortable, but I did learn that I had been holding back during the couple dances. When you dance by yourself you do not have to follow anyone’s lead… And you know that’s when I am really comfortable…

We moved to the outer edges to catch some AC and some of the people from a Contra dance that we went to were along one wall… It was a bunch of boys and then here we were a bunch of girls lining the opposite wall. I had this glimpse of an eighth grade dance and all the awkwardness. You could tell that the men wanted to dance. They were standing all tall and glancing around. You could tell that they, too, were having trouble standing still. The only glue that was holding their feet to the floor was insecurity. Wow, what strong and common glue that is…

Anyways Bubbly shows again and we all decided that we had had a great enough time to leave. Dancer, being the social wonder that she is, went to go and say goodbye to the fellows. I went as well, as we were saying goodbye this guy who I had noticed earlier and thought that he was one of the crew that I had met at a Contra dance walks up to me and shakes my hand but does not move away to shake Dancers. In fact that was the first time that I had talked to him that night so it was a strange goodbye that turned into a Hello. He started talking and asking my name and all sorts of questions… I was headed out… remember. He said his name, and I like normal didn’t hear it. (I have this problem with hearing people’s name and I am worst at remembering those even 2 minutes later) I said something about maybe meeting him before and asked if it was a Contra. He said that not only had he never been to Contra that he had never been to the other dance places and we tried a couple of other places, but alas I never figured it out.

So I was still backing up to go find my friends, who I thought would be out the door, waiting by the elevator and wondering where I was… when he asked me if I had an email address. What? I just meet this guy, I think, 30 seconds ago and he knows that I am leaving… so is he trying and making sure that this is not our last conversation? I am guessing so. So without much thought as to why not I give it to him and with a “what is your name again?” and another failed attempt at actually hearing it I turn to catch up with my friends. There are the three of them. Standing there smiling at me like “Did that really just happen?” and “What was that, he was cute?” “Did he give you a business card?… To tell the truth I was thinking that they would be on the same track as me. I was thinking that the whole thing was very humorous and that I had no idea why I gave a guy I really was not attracted to my email… But no they were excited and thinking Job Well Done! And I was proud, just a little more than a little, but thought that I would worry about the other worries later.

  We went and had ice cream and some fun conversation. I actually sang a little in the place. Mind you I do not think that it was loud enough to draw too much attention, but I had fun showing off my ability to mimic several different types of voices. I was actually surprised that Dancer had not heard most of them. She has heard me sing on several occasions… Why am I still talking about this?  The night was a great one and I ended getting to go over to my BEFF’s house and spending the night. We had a great day the next day but I am also going to save that for another post.

So just to keep you all up to date, the guy did send an email. I saw it today, but he sent it Saturday night. Which is a little surprisng because dont most guys play it cool? Anyways the letter, yes letter, was very formal. It was polite and stated where and when we met, with the full name of the museum. He also stated that we could not figure out where we knew each other and said that he hoped I had a good Friday night and a enjoyable weekend. He signed it with Regards, and then his name. This was no where close to name that I thought it was.

So to try and solve the mystery of where I know him, I plugged his email into facebook. We do not have any mutual friends so that solved nothing! Well I have been thinking about whether I should or should not write him back. But I am guessing that I will go ahead and write back, but I am not really excited about that. I guess that might be a good thing… I do crazy things when I do. I will keep you all updated I am sure.

To the future…

As I sit thinking about my future I am glad that I was able to have a visit from my past. My best friend that dates back to when I was 15 came to see me for the week. It was at an unexpected time to have old memories come back into my life. My decisions of the past seven years have come to the forefront. With the semester coming to a close I have to decide where I am going to be, and who I am now.

I have put this off for about two years. I quit my job, my career and who I was becoming at the end of the summer two years ago. I told myself that I was not running away but changing the future. But I did run away and this was not the first time that I have made up my mind and jumped into things. The first time was when I decided to move to Texas. It was following my 21st birthday. The day I felt alone.

I had, like most young adults, been looking forward to the day in which it seems freedom comes. I had been an adult since I turned 18, and I had voted, but I felt almost there… Then when I bought my car and I was making money and I could do what I wanted. I started to make sure that I was taking my life in my own hands. Certain things that I was supposed to do were slowly being replaced with things I choose.

I choose to not go to college. I thought that I needed some time to decide who I wanted to be. I had not made the best grades in high school not because I couldn’t make them but because I could not make the best grades and get by. So I had no scholarships to fall back on. Unlike most seniors I had not even thought about what college that I was going to attend. With my family it was not assumed that I would go. I choose to work.

Because I could live at home I got a job. The reason I decided to apply for this job was the fact the guy working there was adorable. Plus the retail store seemed to fit. It had character and the music was right up my alley. And now that I think about it Katy was right there with me when I first thought about going to apply.

The day of my interview the Manager was out sick and one of the assistants gave me the interview. It was a good interview and it was when I meet Lacy that I knew things were going to go well. A friendship started that showed me that someone could travel and make their way away from their family. She was so strong and vulnerable. She told the manager how much she liked me and they offered me the job later that day. I did not hesitate when I took the job.

It wasn’t long till I became an assistant for the Holidays and the job fit. I like people and helping them. There was something about spending time with someone and they left feeling like they were heard. They had value and not with just money but also with their options. You, the salesperson, also had value because you were able to fit their needs. I showed promise and I could get the job done. I moved up a position when the girl that hired me was fired. She was not actually doing anything wrong it was just the combination of personalities and being in the wrong place at the wrong time for her and the opposite for me.

I liked the job, the people that I worked with, and the money. It was going great until I learned a very important lesson. Take care of yourself first. It was when the district manager was scheduled to visit. I stayed late that day trying to make sure that the store looked good. I worked on the whole store, but put off doing my section last. The others were not there to make sure that whole store looked good. By the time that I got to the children’s section I was tired and did not pay enough attention. So when the DM came to visit and tore my section apart it hurt, way more than it should. My boss did not stick up for me but he also couldn’t. The DM, looking back was not a confident person and not a good boss. By the time he had left my fate was sealed. I was weak and of no value to the company.

I was transferred months later to another store. The floor plan was different, the mall was different and all of this was not a great fit. It started that I came in and found that all my past hard work and the fact that I had worked my way up was of no measure. One of the staff members there was jealous. I was young and I got the job that they wanted. It was at that store and on a day working with this guy when 911 happened. I was headed to the bank and remember going inside to an eerie experience. There was a TV playing in the lobby and the picture was jumping due to the lack of reception. Everyone was mournful but no one knew what to do. As we watched the second airplane hit. As the second airplane crashed the true terror set in. We all did what we supposed to do and I got my change and headed back to the store. When I got back to the car I turned on the radio to find that nothing had changed, regular music kept playing and it seemed that the rest of the world was not up to speed. I headed inside and the guy came to work. At that time my Mom called to tell me the news that they were thinking that America was under attack. They were worried that very public places would be in danger. Like the malls. I made the decision then that I wanted to be home. This job was not that important. I called home office and told them that we were leaving. The guy did not want to go afraid that he would not be paid. I tried to tell him that there was no way that this would be the case. It was pretty much the first swing that I had taken that got him out of his corner. From then on he was up and swinging. I had taken the importance factor out of his job. To him it was the paycheck and the main reason of his life.

Things came to a boil as the weeks progressed. I was constantly fighting with the guy. I was getting in trouble at work and had no back up. Others were gathering in his corner and I realized that I had to stand up fight and then get out of there. It came when I was written up for supposedly changing the time sheets. I had not done this and I wrote a letter that was amazing and demanded that a meeting be held. I cleared my name but my boss at the time told me that I had been pegged a problem and she was told that I could be dismissed at any time. I waited till it was clear that I wasn’t scared of the guy and quit. Right before Thanksgiving.

The night that I quit I had so many emotions … so many. My crush of several years was the one that came and cheered me up. For really the first time and I think the last time he was the best friend that he could have been. But he was the one guy that I would talk about and analyze for many more years of my life and actually anyone that really knows me now has heard about him. I have since made my peace with myself… for not feeling so guilty for loving someone who I should not have.

The moments that added up to the move to my current home were 1. A new job with the company that I would be with for 6 years… 2. The night that Harrison turned 21 (which was when I truly gave up on the idea of us… but not the hope of what could have been)… 3. When my 21st birthday did not contain the magic that I thought it would hold…

The night before my birthday it started to snow… it was cold and the road conditions were bad. By the next morning it did not look great. I was the only one that could make it to work and it was a ghost town. There were very few employees at the other stores but since it was a retail job of course our store had to be open. I was sad, I was not supposed to work that day and my friends had already started to call and tell me that they were not going to make it to my birthday celebration. I turned on the music to the store and the song “All by myself” comes on the radio. And it made me too sad to cry. Later that night my family came out and my friend Stephanie made it. We were all eating when I see Harrison walking in, but the joy is quickly replaced when I see that he has brought Her with him. Why would he… she was the reason that all hope was gone… why on this night was it thrown back into my face.

Looking back I should have been tougher. I should have been stronger, but I wasn’t. I was ready to go… When the chance came for me to move there was little choice. Why would I stay…there was nothing to keep me.

Does this mean that I did not love the people who were important to me…? This is a hard question. It was hard for me to love when I didn’t feel loved. But I was loved and I am loved. The difference now is I love myself. So the one thing that I am not scared of is who I am becoming now. So here is to the future.

 

Best Comment Award

 So if you are a dear friend of mine, and you happen to post comments, please don’t be offended when you are not the winner. Because I think that if you knew me, you would not have been able to say what this Gentlemen did about my most popular blog. So here goes: 

From I have the Magic to repel men in two sentences., 2008/11/12 at 12:37 PM

Since the other comments are only to placate your current mindset, which you don’t seem all that happy with, I feel a need to throw in a diff perspective.

You don’t sound crazy, you just sound lost and too willing to dream of change without affecting it. Rule #1 in ALL OF NATURE: The Female Chooses. Birds do it, bees do it, you do it. A female will send signals and males respond to that. No signal, no response. Few signals, few responses. Many signals… That’s where your magic lies. (Any good body language book could help, it you aren’t that confident using them.)

It’s sweet every bone in your body is reluctantly in love. But the shredded wheat side of me thinks you may have “One-itis.” All eggs in one basket doesn’t work too often. Good luck with whatever you do. However, it’s ENTIRELY POSSIBLE he isn’t aware of your feelings for him. Women are FAR more subtle and sensitive to social signals. Men, not so much. What feels like waving a huge flag for you, is a signal he might think, on a good day, is “maybe something”. If your solidly in friend territory, that will be quickly dismissed.

If you want to let him know, start spending more time with him, call for no great reason, invite him out to some happy hours. The increased, though light-hearted, time demand will alert him something’s up, but he’ll also be able to warm up to the idea instead of the smack in the head that a letter would be. Ah, young love. Good luck.

My first thought was “Wow, why could I have not had this comment months ago.” I then closed it and went about my day. But later while at a stop sign it came to me. “It’s all your fault, sorry Amy, but you know it is… It’s all your fault that you have trouble with dating.”  His comment on the Number 1 Rule. Why hadn’t I seen that. I always wonder why when I get dressed up and go out, that the response from the boys is less than when I just happen to go out unplanned.  It is totally my attitude. I am more relaxed and I guess send out better signals. I am not waiting for something to happen.

This might also be why I am not a good date.  I am like the worst date on the planet. But up until the date, I say the right things, I am relaxed and funny. Then once I get ready for an actual date I turn into this weird person who lost all her social skills. Did I mention uptight. Yes, I am also very uptight.

He had also said that I am a dreamer but not willing to change things. So true, but not just in my dating..umm life <cough> , It also effects my everyday life.

His comment about my eggs being in one basket- well, it made me mad!! But when I looked back, while I wasn’t counting on just guy, I was counting out all the others. I would like to believe that I can rock it and date multiple guys, but I should worry about my search more than finding “the one”.

Since this comment did come late some of his points were already pr oven. The Dude that I “smacked”  with the fact that I liked him, did say that there were times in which he thought there was weirdness, but since we were already friends he let it slide.  Side note to this: Since I told Dude, I have come to realize how wonderful it is to know that I have a friend that means so much to me and know that I mean alot to him. He had no other motives but to be a good friend. I just feel bad sometimes that I could not have done the same. But that comes from trust issues with friends from high school. blah, blah blah… BORING.

So thank you to my commentor. And to others, know that you can be honest with me and it will only make me stronger.