Archive for August, 2009

Got to be a Full Moon.

Friday was a crazy day!!!  The first thing that happened was I over slept. I hate when that happens. Then at around lunch time I had to go to Walgreens for an emergency run… I go out to the rental car that I am in and the back tire is low. (The reason that I am in a rental is nothing special. My other car’s door panel was having electrical problems.)  I went to the gas station and very awkwardly filled up the tire… it was strange all my normal coordination was not there. You would think that I did not even know how to fill up a tire at all!

Anyways I get to the drug store and I am searching the isles for all the girly stuff. I looked all over the place. I saw the diapers and the Depends but where were they? I was there just staring down the aisles, reading the signs, and the whole time thinking someone really must be playing a joke on me.  I mean I have one of those great shopping abilities to find what I need very quickly. I also have the talent for know which corner the bathrooms are usually located… Getting carried away here…So finally after a few more minutes I asked a Lady that was shopping and she told me. They happened to be all the way down the last row across from the generic make-up. And I was thinking that was where the socks and things that people never buy were located. I mean, REALLY? I was actually looking forward to getting back to work, at least that will be normal.

Wrong! The computer system was not working and all the things that normal do not take any time took forever. It was already an hour after we closed and I was still not getting the computer to work …and then the internet was down so then I could not send the messages that I needed to so that the others would be aware of all the problems… I decided enough was enough and I would just go to work on Saturday. I went to leave and the tire was low again. Crap!

I called HN and told her that the car we planned on using for the night… the rental… was not going to be used. After calling the place I realized I was just going to go home and hope that I made it home and take care of it on Sat. HN came over and I finished getting ready. We were all going to an outdoor “End of the Summer” concert that, actually, Rex and his friends were going to meet us. So you know that I had to look good.

In case you are confused… I took my time with writing him back and he always sent me back nice emails… and our phone conversation was nice. I was curious to meet the guy again.

The rest of the night took a slow start. I was trying to figure out if we still wanted to go, because of all the rain. After several phone calls all over the place we decided that we were going rain or shine. All were informed and we headed that way… About the time that the show was started HN and I ran into a problem… after driving through a down pour with lighting and cars with their hazards on we had made it. Well almost, we were sitting at a light when all of a sudden a bunch of bikers came thru. It was humorous at first; the peddlers did not seem that into it. They were all dressed casually and had all different types of bikes. The light turned green but the bikers did not stop coming… The light turned red again and the bikers were still coming… this went on for three more cycles. There was no way to count how many people but there was a lot!

You know I forgot to tell you about one of the strangest things that happened that night. When I was heading home with the almost flat tire I received a message on my phone… My sister sends me picture messages all the time. So, yes while I was driving… (OK OK don’t judge me. I mean I only open my messages, read them, and then promptly put the phone away… besides I do not know if they even have laws about text reading in Texas- get off my back!) So I opened the message only to be attacked. Ahhhh it was a picture of a girl full frontal nude..Naked..as in not wearing any clothes…as in a blue jay…as in shaven… I did not ask to see that! I threw the phone across the car and started to laugh. I was laughing so hard that I thought I was going to have to pull over. Later when I opened the message again to see who it was from, I noticed that I did not know the number…so who knows who it could have been from. My sister thought that it might be one of those things that when you reply to it you would be sent a 1-800-number… (How funny would it be to have a number that was 1-800-n-u-m-b-e-r-s…I think that I am going to call it..hold on… That was a disappointment!… it was a place that sold 1-800 numbers. Nothing too exciting.)

Back to the story… we got to the place and could not find a place to park. So we decided to finally truly give up. Even though for me that meant that I might not get to meet Rex.. Who had called me twice, already. I called and it went to voice mail so I sent him a text saying that we were going to try another place. Well while BEFF went to the place. HN and I decided that we would get lost. Wait that’s not correct. I mean who actually wants to get lost. I must say poor HN really was a trooper. I would have been much more likely to give up; I think that since she knew how bad my day was, she was being nicer than she needed to be. So after BEFF calls and says that there is no parking at the 2nd place we decide to just go to Starbucks.

I thought about leaving another message for Rex, but at this point, I was afraid that we would never even make it to the third place. I don’t know why it had to be so difficult! We got there and I had actually given up on the idea that I would meet up with Rex, when he called. He told me about how there had been no reception and that he was sorry that he missed my call and messages. I then told him where we were, but it just seemed like the traffic and finding the place was going to be too difficult and then my phone dropped the call. So I thought “well that’s really it.”

But then about 15 minutes later… There he was. He actually made it to the place.  The conversation was good.  He was mainly only talking to me, but then when he would talk to my friends he would make sure and show me that he was trying to include me… It was sweet. So now at least I know that he can hang with my friends.

We talked about his world travel and he shared stories about some of his adventures there. He is also very well educated but was easy to relate too. So I think that we could easily be friends.

Today I was thinking that I might have an email from him or something, but I haven’t heard from him yet. Normally I would not worry, but he was on top of it before. Hmmm, just about the time I decide that I would really like to get to know someone better. We will see if it remains as easy!

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Umm, Where are your stud finders?

A couple of weeks ago my parents decided that they were going to come see me. I was so excited that I cried. I couldn’t wait for them to come and see me. There was only one little problem. I had this brilliant idea that if I cleaned out all my closets than my life would magically fall into place. Well I was at the stage where the closets were looking better but the thirty piles of stuff that lined the walls was getting out of control.

So I waited, because my best organizing is done in the am… and this am happened to be the last am before they would arrive. The project was completed at 4am. Of course I had help from HN, who was a trooper and helped a lot. She always jokes that I am redoing my closets all the time, and I am… but my thinking is if they were organized well in the first place than they would not get so out of shape so fast.

Anyways the family came and went, but the organization stayed. I was so proud. Every closet was in order and I now had a craft closet. How exciting… I hope that comes in handy when I get back to making my ornaments. Back to the fact that I was proud, that is until last Monday.

Imagine me at 2.30 am. Yes I was asleep. When there was a crash. You know most people asked if I woke up scared that someone was breaking down the door. No I was angry and ready to fight. I must have been tired.  I looked around a little upstairs but before I could truly wake up I looked in the main closet, and sure enough the shelf that holds all the clothes and other now tidy things was on the ground. I did not even look at it, I just closed the door and went to back to sleep. I would deal with it later.

Well later came today. I have put it off long enough I thought. So I took a trip to Lowes to pick up some spackle and hardware. While there I realized that not only did I stick out because I was dressed up from work, and had on a skirt, but also because I had grabbed a reusable bag out of my car, one that I use instead of getting a plastic bag that I would promptly take home and put in another plastic trash bag, and it happened to be bright pink with two little birds on it, needless to say a tiny bit girly.

So as my shopping trip came to a close I was having trouble locating what I was looking for because they had rearranged a section in the tools, but you can guarantee that I was not going to ask “Umm, where are your stud finders?”.

borrowed for the storyWell I found it and came home and now they are sitting in that cute bag of mine on the floor untouched… Maybe tomorrow I will get the items upstairs! What is wrong with me?

To the future

As I sit thinking about my future I am glad that I was able to have a visit from my past. My best friend that dates back to when I was 15 came to see me for the week. It was at an unexpected time to have old memories come back into my life. My decisions of the past seven years have come to the forefront. With the semester coming to a close I have to decide where I am going to be, and who I am now. I have put this off for about two years.

I quit my job, my career and who I was becoming at the end of the summer two years ago. I told myself that I was not running away but changing the future. But I did run away and this was not the first time that I have made up my mind and jumped into things. The first time was when I decided to move to Texas. It was following my 21st birthday. The day I felt alone.

I had, like most young adults, been looking forward to the day in which it seems freedom comes. I had been an adult since I turned 18, and I had voted, but I felt almost there… Then when I bought my car and I was making money and I could do what I wanted. I started to make sure that I was taking my life in my own hands. Certain things that I was supposed to do were slowly being replaced with things I choose.

 I choose to not go to college. I thought that I needed some time to decide who I wanted to be. I had not made the best grades in high school not because I couldn’t make them but because I could not make the best grades and get by. So I had no scholarships to fall back on. Unlike most seniors I had not even thought about what college that I was going to attend. With my family it was not assumed that I would go.

I choose to work. Because I could live at home I got a job. The reason I decided to apply for this job was the fact the guy working there was adorable. Plus the retail store seemed to fit. It had character and the music was right up my alley. And now that I think about it Belle was right there with me when I first thought about going to apply.

The day of my interview the Manager was out sick and one of the assistants gave me the interview. It was a good interview and it was when I meet Lacy that I knew things were going to go well. A friendship started that showed me that someone could travel and make their way away from their family. She was so strong and vulnerable. She told the manager how much she liked me and they offered me the job later that day.

 I did not hesitate when I took the job. It wasn’t long till I became an assistant for the Holidays and the job fit. I like people and helping them. There was something about spending time with someone and they left feeling like they were heard. They had value and not with just money but also with their options. You, the salesperson, also had value because you were able to fit their needs. I showed promise and I could get the job done.

I moved up a position when the girl that hired me was fired. She was not actually doing anything wrong it was just the combination of personalities and being in the wrong place at the wrong time for her and the opposite for me. I liked the job, the people that I worked with, and the money.

It was going great until I learned a very important lesson. Take care of yourself first. It was when the district manager was scheduled to visit. I stayed late that day trying to make sure that the store looked good. I worked on the whole store, but put off doing my section last. The others were not there to make sure that whole store looked good. By the time that I got to the children’s section I was tired and did not pay enough attention. So when the DM came to visit and tore my section apart it hurt, way more than it should. My boss did not stick up for me but he also couldn’t. The DM, looking back was not a confident person and not a good boss.

By the time he had left my fate was sealed. I was weak and of no value to the company. I was transferred months later to another store. The floor plan was different, the mall was different and all of this was not a great fit. It started that I came in and found that all my past hard work and the fact that I had worked my way up was of no measure. Also one of the staff members there was jealous. I was young and I got the job that they wanted.

 It was at that store and on a day working with this guy when 9-11 happened. I was headed to the bank and remember going inside to an eerie experience. There was a TV playing in the lobby and the picture was jumping due to the lack of reception. Everyone was mournful but no one knew what to do. As we watched the second airplane hit. As the second airplane crashed the true terror set in. We all did what we supposed to do and I got my change and headed back to the store.

When I got back to the car I turned on the radio to find that nothing had changed, regular music kept playing and it seemed that the rest of the world was not up to speed. I headed inside and the guy came to work. At that time my Mom called to tell me the news that they were thinking that America was under attack. They were worried that very public places would be in danger. Like the malls. I made the decision then that I wanted to be home.

This job was not that important. I called home office and told them that we were leaving. The guy did not want to go afraid that he would not be paid. I tried to tell him that there was no way that this would be the case. It was pretty much the first swing that I had taken that got him out of his corner. From then on he was up and swinging. I had taken the importance factor out of his job. To him it was the paycheck and the main reason of his life.

Things came to a boil as the weeks progressed. I was constantly fighting with the guy. I was getting in trouble at work and had no back up. Others were gathering in his corner and I realized that I had to stand up fight and then get out of there. It came when I was written up for supposedly changing the time sheets. I had not done this and I wrote a letter that was amazing and demanded that a meeting be held. I cleared my name but my boss at the time told me that I had been pegged a problem and she was told that I could be dismissed at any time. I waited till it was clear that I wasn’t scared of the guy and quit. Right before Thanksgiving.

The night that I quit I had so many emotions … so many. My crush of several years was the one that came and cheered me up. For really the first time, and I think the last time, he was the best friend that he could have been. But he was the one guy that I would talk about and analyze for many more years of my life and actually anyone that really knows me now has heard about him. I have since made my peace with myself… for not feeling so guilty for loving someone who I should not have.

The moments that added up to the move to my current home were:

 1. A new job with the company that I would be with for 6 years…

2. The night that Harry turned 21 (which was when I truly gave up on the idea of us… but not the hope of what could have been)…

3. When my 21st birthday did not contain the magic that I thought it would hold… The night before my birthday it started to snow… it was cold and the road conditions were bad. By the next morning it did not look great. I was the only one that could make it to work and it was a ghost town. There were very few employees at the other stores but since it was a retail job of course our store had to be open.

 I was sad, I was not supposed to work that day and my friends had already started to call and tell me that they were not going to make it to my birthday celebration. I turned on the music to the store and the song “All by myself” comes on the radio. And it made me too sad to cry.

Later that night my family came out and my friend Setty made it. We were all eating when I see Harry walking in, but the joy is quickly replaced when I see that he has brought Her with him. Why would he… she was the reason that all hope was gone… why on this night was it thrown back into my face. Looking back I should have been tougher. I should have been stronger, but I wasn’t.

I was ready to go… When the chance came for me to move there was little choice. Why would I stay…there was nothing to keep me. Does this mean that I did not love the people who were important to me…? This is a hard question. It was hard for me to love when I didn’t feel loved. But I was loved and I am loved. The difference now is I love myself. So the one thing that I am not scared of is who I am becoming now. So here is to the future.

My So Called Dating Life

I do not think that I am cut out for this. I read somewhere the other day that “Everyone has the dating life that they want.” I was thinking about that statement and it immediately made me want to shake my head and pout like a three year old.

Na huh! If that was the case then I would have this fabulous dating life. Dating and befriending guys of all types.

I mean I am a very social person now, but I have few guy friends. I blame this on the fact that until recently I worked with all women… and to give myself some credit I do have some more now that I made some from classes.

So I got to thinking about it and I think that that phrase is right. I meet gentlemen all the time, but I rarely come across a guy I would like to date. And I would say that I have been lucky enough to not date the ones that I thought that I wanted to. They were usually all wrong and I do not think that they would appreciate me. I would have ended up hurt and then not able to make clear choices in the future.

The fact that I am saying that I am glad that I have the dating life that I have is a huge deal!

The reason that I think this is because in my previous blog I wrote about the Dinosaur Dance, where at the end of it I was asked by a polite guy for my email. I gave it to him, oh fun I guess that I will give him a blog name of Rex, just because I like giving people a blog name, not because I really want to be secretive Anyways Rex sent me a nice hello and I wrote back. Well a couple of hours later he wrote back… and this just got me to thinking.

I don’t think that I want to do THIS. This as defined as :          Well, there is no easy way to define this small thing that I am giving way too much thought too. I gave him my email but I was not excited about it, but then I thought it was nice that he did write. Guys tend to start something and not follow through. Then I made up my mind that since this was no big deal… I mean I usually do not find any harm in sending a couple of emails.  It’s not like there are true feelings involved.  For all I know he was being nice… I would just write him a while and see what happens.

I am worried that somehow I will hurt someone… I am worried that I will go out with him and not like him and then be pulled into this strange world of wonder ifs, even more… I am worried that if I decide that I just don’t want to talk to the guy that my friends will be disappointed and it will make me feel worse… I am worried that I am being too picky for no good reason…  I am worried that I am becoming bitter.

So I think that I am going to put off talking to him until I know a little more of what I want. I don’t want to jump to any kind of conclusions about anything… plus I need to focus on the other things going on. Like the small task of planning the rest of my life. HA

I Just Want to Dance with Somebody…

I knew that I was going to have fun, I had gone to something like this last year. I headed over to Dancer’s house to get ready. As a girl I have always noticed that I always have fun when I get ready with someone else. There’s something about looking forward to an event and then sharing that excitement with someone else. After she made me a lovely cocktail we were picked up by our Bubbly, sweet driver, I think that Bubbly will be a great name for her here.

We got to the Museum and met up with Dancer’s cousin. And headed in. Mixers2-256The night just had this high energy. We walked into the main room and the lights were low and the dinosaur exhibits were dimly lit. The Salsa music beat through the place nicely. There is something magical about live music. Your ear instantly knows that this is a treat and listens that much closer. We hopped into line and picked up some goodies. The crowd was amazingly Big City, there were people of all ages and types, but we all seemed to fit. Later a beer bought from a cute attendee only added to my thoughts that this night was going to be great.

So we made our way past Big Rex and right to the dance floor. Where we watched others dance. Have you ever wanted to dance and you have to hold yourself still. Well that is how I feel whenever I hear music. So it didn’t take too long till I was tired of being still. And you might ask why I was holding back… well I was waiting to be asked. I have started going dancing at least once a month. This last month was Swing Dancing and I hope that I write about that soon, but during that dance I was asked to dance so often that I had to turn men down, just so that I could catch my breath. This night was not like this. The place was packed and this was supposed to be some sort of Mixer right… I thought that the whole point was to mingle.

I know what you are thinking, if you wanted to dance… why did you not ask? Well I have an answer, be it one that I am not proud of. I Did Not Want To. I wanted to be asked. But I wanted my friend to be asked more. Dancer is a beautiful and lovely girl. She would be the best girlfriend to a guy. But starting slower, she is a great dancer. She has been taking Salsa for awhile and I love when I get to see her dance. She is so graceful and proud. When she spins and turns, it is the one time that Everyone can see her love for the world. I wanted her to get asked… I wanted her to have to turn away the men and be carefree. There were actually several guys in this group of Mixers, which she had danced with in the past thru class and other events, but all those were in a different place and a different time.

Why they didn’t ask I do not know… there seems to be only one hard fact, and it was the same reason that I stood there painfully still. We are not skinny. Bubbly was carefree, she was a great dancer, and she remained busy the whole night… She is skinny. This only made it worse… this only made it harder.  I was jealous… and it made me wonder why so many gentlemen have a problem with my weight if I don’t… or do I?

It also seems that this is the only reason that I can think of for my usually empty dance card. Mind you it might have started with one look from a skinny person, but now me being fat is a problem. This suborn part of me does not want to let go of my outer shell. It is the wall that I have to keeps me safe. It gives me a clear reason why I am rejected… But then the question comes into play. Is every single guy out there shallow? There is no way that this can be, so it has to something different.

So why am I in this dance? Is it because I have to dance alone… because no partner could come along and dance with me that would fix the problem… If someone came into my life and loved my body for every curve and roll would I magically be fine with them. I doubt it. But I do think that my weight is a huge (no pun intended) issue for my love life. There are many other insecurities… and things that I need to just stop worrying about. And to tell you the truth I feel like this is happening. The examples of that are small but are adding up and I feel like I will explain them more in another blog, but I want to get back to the story of that night…

 We were tired of being downstairs and moved upstairs where we stayed for a good part of the night. I actually enjoyed it up there because I could watch others dance and not feel like I was not being asked. It really was a neat place to be on a summer night. We later went downstairs in a last attempt to move on the dance floor. And there I was when I realized that I did not want to wait to dance. I could dance alone, so I got Dancer to hesitantly start to move… I don’t know if I had not noticed it before but then it appeared that all those around us were dancing too, alone. It was not long until it was too hot to stay there and be comfortable, but I did learn that I had been holding back during the couple dances. When you dance by yourself you do not have to follow anyone’s lead… And you know that’s when I am really comfortable…

We moved to the outer edges to catch some AC and some of the people from a Contra dance that we went to were along one wall… It was a bunch of boys and then here we were a bunch of girls lining the opposite wall. I had this glimpse of an eighth grade dance and all the awkwardness. You could tell that the men wanted to dance. They were standing all tall and glancing around. You could tell that they, too, were having trouble standing still. The only glue that was holding their feet to the floor was insecurity. Wow, what strong and common glue that is…

Anyways Bubbly shows again and we all decided that we had had a great enough time to leave. Dancer, being the social wonder that she is, went to go and say goodbye to the fellows. I went as well, as we were saying goodbye this guy who I had noticed earlier and thought that he was one of the crew that I had met at a Contra dance walks up to me and shakes my hand but does not move away to shake Dancers. In fact that was the first time that I had talked to him that night so it was a strange goodbye that turned into a Hello. He started talking and asking my name and all sorts of questions… I was headed out… remember. He said his name, and I like normal didn’t hear it. (I have this problem with hearing people’s name and I am worst at remembering those even 2 minutes later) I said something about maybe meeting him before and asked if it was a Contra. He said that not only had he never been to Contra that he had never been to the other dance places and we tried a couple of other places, but alas I never figured it out.

So I was still backing up to go find my friends, who I thought would be out the door, waiting by the elevator and wondering where I was… when he asked me if I had an email address. What? I just meet this guy, I think, 30 seconds ago and he knows that I am leaving… so is he trying and making sure that this is not our last conversation? I am guessing so. So without much thought as to why not I give it to him and with a “what is your name again?” and another failed attempt at actually hearing it I turn to catch up with my friends. There are the three of them. Standing there smiling at me like “Did that really just happen?” and “What was that, he was cute?” “Did he give you a business card?… To tell the truth I was thinking that they would be on the same track as me. I was thinking that the whole thing was very humorous and that I had no idea why I gave a guy I really was not attracted to my email… But no they were excited and thinking Job Well Done! And I was proud, just a little more than a little, but thought that I would worry about the other worries later.

  We went and had ice cream and some fun conversation. I actually sang a little in the place. Mind you I do not think that it was loud enough to draw too much attention, but I had fun showing off my ability to mimic several different types of voices. I was actually surprised that Dancer had not heard most of them. She has heard me sing on several occasions… Why am I still talking about this?  The night was a great one and I ended getting to go over to my BEFF’s house and spending the night. We had a great day the next day but I am also going to save that for another post.

So just to keep you all up to date, the guy did send an email. I saw it today, but he sent it Saturday night. Which is a little surprisng because dont most guys play it cool? Anyways the letter, yes letter, was very formal. It was polite and stated where and when we met, with the full name of the museum. He also stated that we could not figure out where we knew each other and said that he hoped I had a good Friday night and a enjoyable weekend. He signed it with Regards, and then his name. This was no where close to name that I thought it was.

So to try and solve the mystery of where I know him, I plugged his email into facebook. We do not have any mutual friends so that solved nothing! Well I have been thinking about whether I should or should not write him back. But I am guessing that I will go ahead and write back, but I am not really excited about that. I guess that might be a good thing… I do crazy things when I do. I will keep you all updated I am sure.