Posts Tagged ‘fat moments’

I Just Want to Dance with Somebody…

I knew that I was going to have fun, I had gone to something like this last year. I headed over to Dancer’s house to get ready. As a girl I have always noticed that I always have fun when I get ready with someone else. There’s something about looking forward to an event and then sharing that excitement with someone else. After she made me a lovely cocktail we were picked up by our Bubbly, sweet driver, I think that Bubbly will be a great name for her here.

We got to the Museum and met up with Dancer’s cousin. And headed in. Mixers2-256The night just had this high energy. We walked into the main room and the lights were low and the dinosaur exhibits were dimly lit. The Salsa music beat through the place nicely. There is something magical about live music. Your ear instantly knows that this is a treat and listens that much closer. We hopped into line and picked up some goodies. The crowd was amazingly Big City, there were people of all ages and types, but we all seemed to fit. Later a beer bought from a cute attendee only added to my thoughts that this night was going to be great.

So we made our way past Big Rex and right to the dance floor. Where we watched others dance. Have you ever wanted to dance and you have to hold yourself still. Well that is how I feel whenever I hear music. So it didn’t take too long till I was tired of being still. And you might ask why I was holding back… well I was waiting to be asked. I have started going dancing at least once a month. This last month was Swing Dancing and I hope that I write about that soon, but during that dance I was asked to dance so often that I had to turn men down, just so that I could catch my breath. This night was not like this. The place was packed and this was supposed to be some sort of Mixer right… I thought that the whole point was to mingle.

I know what you are thinking, if you wanted to dance… why did you not ask? Well I have an answer, be it one that I am not proud of. I Did Not Want To. I wanted to be asked. But I wanted my friend to be asked more. Dancer is a beautiful and lovely girl. She would be the best girlfriend to a guy. But starting slower, she is a great dancer. She has been taking Salsa for awhile and I love when I get to see her dance. She is so graceful and proud. When she spins and turns, it is the one time that Everyone can see her love for the world. I wanted her to get asked… I wanted her to have to turn away the men and be carefree. There were actually several guys in this group of Mixers, which she had danced with in the past thru class and other events, but all those were in a different place and a different time.

Why they didn’t ask I do not know… there seems to be only one hard fact, and it was the same reason that I stood there painfully still. We are not skinny. Bubbly was carefree, she was a great dancer, and she remained busy the whole night… She is skinny. This only made it worse… this only made it harder.  I was jealous… and it made me wonder why so many gentlemen have a problem with my weight if I don’t… or do I?

It also seems that this is the only reason that I can think of for my usually empty dance card. Mind you it might have started with one look from a skinny person, but now me being fat is a problem. This suborn part of me does not want to let go of my outer shell. It is the wall that I have to keeps me safe. It gives me a clear reason why I am rejected… But then the question comes into play. Is every single guy out there shallow? There is no way that this can be, so it has to something different.

So why am I in this dance? Is it because I have to dance alone… because no partner could come along and dance with me that would fix the problem… If someone came into my life and loved my body for every curve and roll would I magically be fine with them. I doubt it. But I do think that my weight is a huge (no pun intended) issue for my love life. There are many other insecurities… and things that I need to just stop worrying about. And to tell you the truth I feel like this is happening. The examples of that are small but are adding up and I feel like I will explain them more in another blog, but I want to get back to the story of that night…

 We were tired of being downstairs and moved upstairs where we stayed for a good part of the night. I actually enjoyed it up there because I could watch others dance and not feel like I was not being asked. It really was a neat place to be on a summer night. We later went downstairs in a last attempt to move on the dance floor. And there I was when I realized that I did not want to wait to dance. I could dance alone, so I got Dancer to hesitantly start to move… I don’t know if I had not noticed it before but then it appeared that all those around us were dancing too, alone. It was not long until it was too hot to stay there and be comfortable, but I did learn that I had been holding back during the couple dances. When you dance by yourself you do not have to follow anyone’s lead… And you know that’s when I am really comfortable…

We moved to the outer edges to catch some AC and some of the people from a Contra dance that we went to were along one wall… It was a bunch of boys and then here we were a bunch of girls lining the opposite wall. I had this glimpse of an eighth grade dance and all the awkwardness. You could tell that the men wanted to dance. They were standing all tall and glancing around. You could tell that they, too, were having trouble standing still. The only glue that was holding their feet to the floor was insecurity. Wow, what strong and common glue that is…

Anyways Bubbly shows again and we all decided that we had had a great enough time to leave. Dancer, being the social wonder that she is, went to go and say goodbye to the fellows. I went as well, as we were saying goodbye this guy who I had noticed earlier and thought that he was one of the crew that I had met at a Contra dance walks up to me and shakes my hand but does not move away to shake Dancers. In fact that was the first time that I had talked to him that night so it was a strange goodbye that turned into a Hello. He started talking and asking my name and all sorts of questions… I was headed out… remember. He said his name, and I like normal didn’t hear it. (I have this problem with hearing people’s name and I am worst at remembering those even 2 minutes later) I said something about maybe meeting him before and asked if it was a Contra. He said that not only had he never been to Contra that he had never been to the other dance places and we tried a couple of other places, but alas I never figured it out.

So I was still backing up to go find my friends, who I thought would be out the door, waiting by the elevator and wondering where I was… when he asked me if I had an email address. What? I just meet this guy, I think, 30 seconds ago and he knows that I am leaving… so is he trying and making sure that this is not our last conversation? I am guessing so. So without much thought as to why not I give it to him and with a “what is your name again?” and another failed attempt at actually hearing it I turn to catch up with my friends. There are the three of them. Standing there smiling at me like “Did that really just happen?” and “What was that, he was cute?” “Did he give you a business card?… To tell the truth I was thinking that they would be on the same track as me. I was thinking that the whole thing was very humorous and that I had no idea why I gave a guy I really was not attracted to my email… But no they were excited and thinking Job Well Done! And I was proud, just a little more than a little, but thought that I would worry about the other worries later.

  We went and had ice cream and some fun conversation. I actually sang a little in the place. Mind you I do not think that it was loud enough to draw too much attention, but I had fun showing off my ability to mimic several different types of voices. I was actually surprised that Dancer had not heard most of them. She has heard me sing on several occasions… Why am I still talking about this?  The night was a great one and I ended getting to go over to my BEFF’s house and spending the night. We had a great day the next day but I am also going to save that for another post.

So just to keep you all up to date, the guy did send an email. I saw it today, but he sent it Saturday night. Which is a little surprisng because dont most guys play it cool? Anyways the letter, yes letter, was very formal. It was polite and stated where and when we met, with the full name of the museum. He also stated that we could not figure out where we knew each other and said that he hoped I had a good Friday night and a enjoyable weekend. He signed it with Regards, and then his name. This was no where close to name that I thought it was.

So to try and solve the mystery of where I know him, I plugged his email into facebook. We do not have any mutual friends so that solved nothing! Well I have been thinking about whether I should or should not write him back. But I am guessing that I will go ahead and write back, but I am not really excited about that. I guess that might be a good thing… I do crazy things when I do. I will keep you all updated I am sure.

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I didn’t blow away during Ike

Well I have heard a lot about Ike and today I drove my mom down a street on the way to the airport. It was sad the way the buildings and the ships had merged into heaps of wood. The way the traffic seemed to behave, like they were driving in a funeral procession. It was weird and I told my mom that we had to stop. I felt bad driving through people’s pain…

I got home on Saturday morning at three am. It had been a long trip since I left for Hurricane Ike. Don’t ask when I left. I would have to piece that around others. I know who I talked to around the time and if I cared I would try and think back… Anyways, I left my house and did not pack anything. I really could not think of what I wanted in case my house either drowned or flew across the air in little pieces. I wanted my house to remain.

After my journey to San Antonio and my uneventful almost peaceful time there I can home to find everything in place. And I could not tell if by then if I wanted that to be the case. Nothing had happened… and right now I almost need something to happen, more on that later.

I left the next day, after cleaning out my fridge and getting a little bit of sleep. Why did I leave when I was one of the few people in Houston to have power? I am still wondering that. I left to go home to Tn. Since I do not have a job right now, and my school was going to be closed I decided that I should home to visit. I had just gone home in July, but it was not the best trip (I was in a bad mood, hey it happens when you are stuck in a car for 13 hours after a plane ride and a week entertaining a cute 7 year old neice) and I guess I wanted to prove to my family that they should still miss me. I wrote a blog about some of the trip but was to tired to edit so I haven’t posted it yet. My visit home was nice and I was able to a lot of nice things for the fam. I cooked and cleaned, well they miss me now.

Because I had to get home and my Mom wanted to, she made the trip with me. It was fine and nothing major happened. On saturday I went to a fabulous party of a four year old. I was excitied and made sure that I was going to home for it. I thought too, that it was a dress up party and that everyone would be dressed up. So I actual went to Target to get a cowboy hat, the great thing is I found one for 3 dollars. I knew that was going to be a good sign and besides me being late it was. I made an entrance and discovered that I was the most dressed up person besides the Birthday girl. But hey it was worth it, I had a wonderful time.

When I got home, I went to the mail box for the first time in I guess 2 and a half weeks. Guess what was waiting for me… oh why even act like you don’t know. It was bills. First my phone bill, and it was for $260. Then my electric bill $125 (which is high for me) and a note from my Homeowners saying rates were going up, then another saying I was past due on $70 of month to month ( I always pay it on time so I don’t know what’s up with that) then I got a letter that said the HOA insurance was not going to be totally covered and that they would be asking for a per unit expense thing that should be covered by your insurance if you have that coverage. ( which I didn’t know about til now Thank you, it would have only cost me $10 a year!). Then I opened another letter from Carmax that said last month’s car note was not paid. ( Double Damn, not only did I think that I had paid that, but that means that my bank account should be $400 lower than it was…and well its low enough.) As I was started sayng oh no louder and louder from the rest room, my mom eventually decided that she should check on me. “Amy, what it is?” You know, now that I think about it…I don’t think she cared. She knew it wasn’t going to be some illness, and she knew it was something that didn’t really effect her. How?…  I don’t know, aren’t all mom’s that way. Well she made me stop reading the mail and said that she would treat me to dinner. Ok, food makes things better.

But while I was sitting there starting to feel sorry for my have-no-job and should-be-looking-a-lot-harder butt, I realized that not only was there all the above, but that I was also fat.