Posts Tagged ‘boys’

What should I tell the guy?

{ September 22, 2009 @ 3:51 pm } · { Uncategorized }
{ Tags: , } · { Leave a Comment }

So you all know about Pool Boy.. I have talked about him before on here. A month ago my shelf broke, which you all know about that as well. I sent PB a message asking him if he could help me. I did not have his number to call,because I erased it after I had not heard anything from him. Anyways, he texted me saying that he would like to help and would call when he got a chance.

He called today, really it has been over two weeks. I no longer want his help… but the shelf is not fixed yet. That would mean that I will have to ask someone else for help. To tell the truth I do not even want to call or text him back at all… but then I tell myself I do not want to be rude to the dude. Secretly I think that I do not want to give up on PB. How can anyone be that busy? How can someone not want to hang out with me?

What do you think?

To the future

{ August 19, 2009 @ 5:40 pm } · { Uncategorized }
{ Tags: , , , , , , } · { Comments (1) }

As I sit thinking about my future I am glad that I was able to have a visit from my past. My best friend that dates back to when I was 15 came to see me for the week. It was at an unexpected time to have old memories come back into my life. My decisions of the past seven years have come to the forefront. With the semester coming to a close I have to decide where I am going to be, and who I am now. I have put this off for about two years.

I quit my job, my career and who I was becoming at the end of the summer two years ago. I told myself that I was not running away but changing the future. But I did run away and this was not the first time that I have made up my mind and jumped into things. The first time was when I decided to move to Texas. It was following my 21st birthday. The day I felt alone.

I had, like most young adults, been looking forward to the day in which it seems freedom comes. I had been an adult since I turned 18, and I had voted, but I felt almost there… Then when I bought my car and I was making money and I could do what I wanted. I started to make sure that I was taking my life in my own hands. Certain things that I was supposed to do were slowly being replaced with things I choose.

 I choose to not go to college. I thought that I needed some time to decide who I wanted to be. I had not made the best grades in high school not because I couldn’t make them but because I could not make the best grades and get by. So I had no scholarships to fall back on. Unlike most seniors I had not even thought about what college that I was going to attend. With my family it was not assumed that I would go.

I choose to work. Because I could live at home I got a job. The reason I decided to apply for this job was the fact the guy working there was adorable. Plus the retail store seemed to fit. It had character and the music was right up my alley. And now that I think about it Belle was right there with me when I first thought about going to apply.

The day of my interview the Manager was out sick and one of the assistants gave me the interview. It was a good interview and it was when I meet Lacy that I knew things were going to go well. A friendship started that showed me that someone could travel and make their way away from their family. She was so strong and vulnerable. She told the manager how much she liked me and they offered me the job later that day.

 I did not hesitate when I took the job. It wasn’t long till I became an assistant for the Holidays and the job fit. I like people and helping them. There was something about spending time with someone and they left feeling like they were heard. They had value and not with just money but also with their options. You, the salesperson, also had value because you were able to fit their needs. I showed promise and I could get the job done.

I moved up a position when the girl that hired me was fired. She was not actually doing anything wrong it was just the combination of personalities and being in the wrong place at the wrong time for her and the opposite for me. I liked the job, the people that I worked with, and the money.

It was going great until I learned a very important lesson. Take care of yourself first. It was when the district manager was scheduled to visit. I stayed late that day trying to make sure that the store looked good. I worked on the whole store, but put off doing my section last. The others were not there to make sure that whole store looked good. By the time that I got to the children’s section I was tired and did not pay enough attention. So when the DM came to visit and tore my section apart it hurt, way more than it should. My boss did not stick up for me but he also couldn’t. The DM, looking back was not a confident person and not a good boss.

By the time he had left my fate was sealed. I was weak and of no value to the company. I was transferred months later to another store. The floor plan was different, the mall was different and all of this was not a great fit. It started that I came in and found that all my past hard work and the fact that I had worked my way up was of no measure. Also one of the staff members there was jealous. I was young and I got the job that they wanted.

 It was at that store and on a day working with this guy when 9-11 happened. I was headed to the bank and remember going inside to an eerie experience. There was a TV playing in the lobby and the picture was jumping due to the lack of reception. Everyone was mournful but no one knew what to do. As we watched the second airplane hit. As the second airplane crashed the true terror set in. We all did what we supposed to do and I got my change and headed back to the store.

When I got back to the car I turned on the radio to find that nothing had changed, regular music kept playing and it seemed that the rest of the world was not up to speed. I headed inside and the guy came to work. At that time my Mom called to tell me the news that they were thinking that America was under attack. They were worried that very public places would be in danger. Like the malls. I made the decision then that I wanted to be home.

This job was not that important. I called home office and told them that we were leaving. The guy did not want to go afraid that he would not be paid. I tried to tell him that there was no way that this would be the case. It was pretty much the first swing that I had taken that got him out of his corner. From then on he was up and swinging. I had taken the importance factor out of his job. To him it was the paycheck and the main reason of his life.

Things came to a boil as the weeks progressed. I was constantly fighting with the guy. I was getting in trouble at work and had no back up. Others were gathering in his corner and I realized that I had to stand up fight and then get out of there. It came when I was written up for supposedly changing the time sheets. I had not done this and I wrote a letter that was amazing and demanded that a meeting be held. I cleared my name but my boss at the time told me that I had been pegged a problem and she was told that I could be dismissed at any time. I waited till it was clear that I wasn’t scared of the guy and quit. Right before Thanksgiving.

The night that I quit I had so many emotions … so many. My crush of several years was the one that came and cheered me up. For really the first time, and I think the last time, he was the best friend that he could have been. But he was the one guy that I would talk about and analyze for many more years of my life and actually anyone that really knows me now has heard about him. I have since made my peace with myself… for not feeling so guilty for loving someone who I should not have.

The moments that added up to the move to my current home were:

 1. A new job with the company that I would be with for 6 years…

2. The night that Harry turned 21 (which was when I truly gave up on the idea of us… but not the hope of what could have been)…

3. When my 21st birthday did not contain the magic that I thought it would hold… The night before my birthday it started to snow… it was cold and the road conditions were bad. By the next morning it did not look great. I was the only one that could make it to work and it was a ghost town. There were very few employees at the other stores but since it was a retail job of course our store had to be open.

 I was sad, I was not supposed to work that day and my friends had already started to call and tell me that they were not going to make it to my birthday celebration. I turned on the music to the store and the song “All by myself” comes on the radio. And it made me too sad to cry.

Later that night my family came out and my friend Setty made it. We were all eating when I see Harry walking in, but the joy is quickly replaced when I see that he has brought Her with him. Why would he… she was the reason that all hope was gone… why on this night was it thrown back into my face. Looking back I should have been tougher. I should have been stronger, but I wasn’t.

I was ready to go… When the chance came for me to move there was little choice. Why would I stay…there was nothing to keep me. Does this mean that I did not love the people who were important to me…? This is a hard question. It was hard for me to love when I didn’t feel loved. But I was loved and I am loved. The difference now is I love myself. So the one thing that I am not scared of is who I am becoming now. So here is to the future.

My So Called Dating Life

{ August 18, 2009 @ 5:02 pm } · { Uncategorized }
{ Tags: , } · { Leave a Comment }

I do not think that I am cut out for this. I read somewhere the other day that “Everyone has the dating life that they want.” I was thinking about that statement and it immediately made me want to shake my head and pout like a three year old.

Na huh! If that was the case then I would have this fabulous dating life. Dating and befriending guys of all types.

I mean I am a very social person now, but I have few guy friends. I blame this on the fact that until recently I worked with all women… and to give myself some credit I do have some more now that I made some from classes.

So I got to thinking about it and I think that that phrase is right. I meet gentlemen all the time, but I rarely come across a guy I would like to date. And I would say that I have been lucky enough to not date the ones that I thought that I wanted to. They were usually all wrong and I do not think that they would appreciate me. I would have ended up hurt and then not able to make clear choices in the future.

The fact that I am saying that I am glad that I have the dating life that I have is a huge deal!

The reason that I think this is because in my previous blog I wrote about the Dinosaur Dance, where at the end of it I was asked by a polite guy for my email. I gave it to him, oh fun I guess that I will give him a blog name of Rex, just because I like giving people a blog name, not because I really want to be secretive Anyways Rex sent me a nice hello and I wrote back. Well a couple of hours later he wrote back… and this just got me to thinking.

I don’t think that I want to do THIS. This as defined as :          Well, there is no easy way to define this small thing that I am giving way too much thought too. I gave him my email but I was not excited about it, but then I thought it was nice that he did write. Guys tend to start something and not follow through. Then I made up my mind that since this was no big deal… I mean I usually do not find any harm in sending a couple of emails.  It’s not like there are true feelings involved.  For all I know he was being nice… I would just write him a while and see what happens.

I am worried that somehow I will hurt someone… I am worried that I will go out with him and not like him and then be pulled into this strange world of wonder ifs, even more… I am worried that if I decide that I just don’t want to talk to the guy that my friends will be disappointed and it will make me feel worse… I am worried that I am being too picky for no good reason…  I am worried that I am becoming bitter.

So I think that I am going to put off talking to him until I know a little more of what I want. I don’t want to jump to any kind of conclusions about anything… plus I need to focus on the other things going on. Like the small task of planning the rest of my life. HA

I Just Want to Dance with Somebody…

{ August 17, 2009 @ 4:38 pm } · { Uncategorized }
{ Tags: , , , , , , } · { Comments (1) }

I knew that I was going to have fun, I had gone to something like this last year. I headed over to Dancer’s house to get ready. As a girl I have always noticed that I always have fun when I get ready with someone else. There’s something about looking forward to an event and then sharing that excitement with someone else. After she made me a lovely cocktail we were picked up by our Bubbly, sweet driver, I think that Bubbly will be a great name for her here.

We got to the Museum and met up with Dancer’s cousin. And headed in. Mixers2-256The night just had this high energy. We walked into the main room and the lights were low and the dinosaur exhibits were dimly lit. The Salsa music beat through the place nicely. There is something magical about live music. Your ear instantly knows that this is a treat and listens that much closer. We hopped into line and picked up some goodies. The crowd was amazingly Big City, there were people of all ages and types, but we all seemed to fit. Later a beer bought from a cute attendee only added to my thoughts that this night was going to be great.

So we made our way past Big Rex and right to the dance floor. Where we watched others dance. Have you ever wanted to dance and you have to hold yourself still. Well that is how I feel whenever I hear music. So it didn’t take too long till I was tired of being still. And you might ask why I was holding back… well I was waiting to be asked. I have started going dancing at least once a month. This last month was Swing Dancing and I hope that I write about that soon, but during that dance I was asked to dance so often that I had to turn men down, just so that I could catch my breath. This night was not like this. The place was packed and this was supposed to be some sort of Mixer right… I thought that the whole point was to mingle.

I know what you are thinking, if you wanted to dance… why did you not ask? Well I have an answer, be it one that I am not proud of. I Did Not Want To. I wanted to be asked. But I wanted my friend to be asked more. Dancer is a beautiful and lovely girl. She would be the best girlfriend to a guy. But starting slower, she is a great dancer. She has been taking Salsa for awhile and I love when I get to see her dance. She is so graceful and proud. When she spins and turns, it is the one time that Everyone can see her love for the world. I wanted her to get asked… I wanted her to have to turn away the men and be carefree. There were actually several guys in this group of Mixers, which she had danced with in the past thru class and other events, but all those were in a different place and a different time.

Why they didn’t ask I do not know… there seems to be only one hard fact, and it was the same reason that I stood there painfully still. We are not skinny. Bubbly was carefree, she was a great dancer, and she remained busy the whole night… She is skinny. This only made it worse… this only made it harder.  I was jealous… and it made me wonder why so many gentlemen have a problem with my weight if I don’t… or do I?

It also seems that this is the only reason that I can think of for my usually empty dance card. Mind you it might have started with one look from a skinny person, but now me being fat is a problem. This suborn part of me does not want to let go of my outer shell. It is the wall that I have to keeps me safe. It gives me a clear reason why I am rejected… But then the question comes into play. Is every single guy out there shallow? There is no way that this can be, so it has to something different.

So why am I in this dance? Is it because I have to dance alone… because no partner could come along and dance with me that would fix the problem… If someone came into my life and loved my body for every curve and roll would I magically be fine with them. I doubt it. But I do think that my weight is a huge (no pun intended) issue for my love life. There are many other insecurities… and things that I need to just stop worrying about. And to tell you the truth I feel like this is happening. The examples of that are small but are adding up and I feel like I will explain them more in another blog, but I want to get back to the story of that night…

 We were tired of being downstairs and moved upstairs where we stayed for a good part of the night. I actually enjoyed it up there because I could watch others dance and not feel like I was not being asked. It really was a neat place to be on a summer night. We later went downstairs in a last attempt to move on the dance floor. And there I was when I realized that I did not want to wait to dance. I could dance alone, so I got Dancer to hesitantly start to move… I don’t know if I had not noticed it before but then it appeared that all those around us were dancing too, alone. It was not long until it was too hot to stay there and be comfortable, but I did learn that I had been holding back during the couple dances. When you dance by yourself you do not have to follow anyone’s lead… And you know that’s when I am really comfortable…

We moved to the outer edges to catch some AC and some of the people from a Contra dance that we went to were along one wall… It was a bunch of boys and then here we were a bunch of girls lining the opposite wall. I had this glimpse of an eighth grade dance and all the awkwardness. You could tell that the men wanted to dance. They were standing all tall and glancing around. You could tell that they, too, were having trouble standing still. The only glue that was holding their feet to the floor was insecurity. Wow, what strong and common glue that is…

Anyways Bubbly shows again and we all decided that we had had a great enough time to leave. Dancer, being the social wonder that she is, went to go and say goodbye to the fellows. I went as well, as we were saying goodbye this guy who I had noticed earlier and thought that he was one of the crew that I had met at a Contra dance walks up to me and shakes my hand but does not move away to shake Dancers. In fact that was the first time that I had talked to him that night so it was a strange goodbye that turned into a Hello. He started talking and asking my name and all sorts of questions… I was headed out… remember. He said his name, and I like normal didn’t hear it. (I have this problem with hearing people’s name and I am worst at remembering those even 2 minutes later) I said something about maybe meeting him before and asked if it was a Contra. He said that not only had he never been to Contra that he had never been to the other dance places and we tried a couple of other places, but alas I never figured it out.

So I was still backing up to go find my friends, who I thought would be out the door, waiting by the elevator and wondering where I was… when he asked me if I had an email address. What? I just meet this guy, I think, 30 seconds ago and he knows that I am leaving… so is he trying and making sure that this is not our last conversation? I am guessing so. So without much thought as to why not I give it to him and with a “what is your name again?” and another failed attempt at actually hearing it I turn to catch up with my friends. There are the three of them. Standing there smiling at me like “Did that really just happen?” and “What was that, he was cute?” “Did he give you a business card?… To tell the truth I was thinking that they would be on the same track as me. I was thinking that the whole thing was very humorous and that I had no idea why I gave a guy I really was not attracted to my email… But no they were excited and thinking Job Well Done! And I was proud, just a little more than a little, but thought that I would worry about the other worries later.

  We went and had ice cream and some fun conversation. I actually sang a little in the place. Mind you I do not think that it was loud enough to draw too much attention, but I had fun showing off my ability to mimic several different types of voices. I was actually surprised that Dancer had not heard most of them. She has heard me sing on several occasions… Why am I still talking about this?  The night was a great one and I ended getting to go over to my BEFF’s house and spending the night. We had a great day the next day but I am also going to save that for another post.

So just to keep you all up to date, the guy did send an email. I saw it today, but he sent it Saturday night. Which is a little surprisng becasue dont most guys play it cool? Anyways the letter, yes letter, was very formal. It was polite and stated where and when we met, with the full name of the museum. He also stated that we could not figure out where we knew each other and said that he hoped I had a good Friday night and a enjoyable weekend. He signed it with Regards, and then his name. This was no where close to name that I thought it was.

So to try and solve the mystery of where I know him, I plugged his email into facebook. We do not have any mutual friends so that solved nothing! Well I have been thinking about whether I should or should not write him back. But I am guessing that I will go ahead and write back, but I am not really excited about that. I guess that might be a good thing… I do crazy things when I do. I will keep you all updated I am sure.

To the future…

{ May 24, 2009 @ 3:53 pm } · { Uncategorized }
{ Tags: , , , , } · { Leave a Comment }

As I sit thinking about my future I am glad that I was able to have a visit from my past. My best friend that dates back to when I was 15 came to see me for the week. It was at an unexpected time to have old memories come back into my life. My decisions of the past seven years have come to the forefront. With the semester coming to a close I have to decide where I am going to be, and who I am now.

I have put this off for about two years. I quit my job, my career and who I was becoming at the end of the summer two years ago. I told myself that I was not running away but changing the future. But I did run away and this was not the first time that I have made up my mind and jumped into things. The first time was when I decided to move to Texas. It was following my 21st birthday. The day I felt alone.

I had, like most young adults, been looking forward to the day in which it seems freedom comes. I had been an adult since I turned 18, and I had voted, but I felt almost there… Then when I bought my car and I was making money and I could do what I wanted. I started to make sure that I was taking my life in my own hands. Certain things that I was supposed to do were slowly being replaced with things I choose.

I choose to not go to college. I thought that I needed some time to decide who I wanted to be. I had not made the best grades in high school not because I couldn’t make them but because I could not make the best grades and get by. So I had no scholarships to fall back on. Unlike most seniors I had not even thought about what college that I was going to attend. With my family it was not assumed that I would go. I choose to work.

Because I could live at home I got a job. The reason I decided to apply for this job was the fact the guy working there was adorable. Plus the retail store seemed to fit. It had character and the music was right up my alley. And now that I think about it Katy was right there with me when I first thought about going to apply.

The day of my interview the Manager was out sick and one of the assistants gave me the interview. It was a good interview and it was when I meet Lacy that I knew things were going to go well. A friendship started that showed me that someone could travel and make their way away from their family. She was so strong and vulnerable. She told the manager how much she liked me and they offered me the job later that day. I did not hesitate when I took the job.

It wasn’t long till I became an assistant for the Holidays and the job fit. I like people and helping them. There was something about spending time with someone and they left feeling like they were heard. They had value and not with just money but also with their options. You, the salesperson, also had value because you were able to fit their needs. I showed promise and I could get the job done. I moved up a position when the girl that hired me was fired. She was not actually doing anything wrong it was just the combination of personalities and being in the wrong place at the wrong time for her and the opposite for me.

I liked the job, the people that I worked with, and the money. It was going great until I learned a very important lesson. Take care of yourself first. It was when the district manager was scheduled to visit. I stayed late that day trying to make sure that the store looked good. I worked on the whole store, but put off doing my section last. The others were not there to make sure that whole store looked good. By the time that I got to the children’s section I was tired and did not pay enough attention. So when the DM came to visit and tore my section apart it hurt, way more than it should. My boss did not stick up for me but he also couldn’t. The DM, looking back was not a confident person and not a good boss. By the time he had left my fate was sealed. I was weak and of no value to the company.

I was transferred months later to another store. The floor plan was different, the mall was different and all of this was not a great fit. It started that I came in and found that all my past hard work and the fact that I had worked my way up was of no measure. One of the staff members there was jealous. I was young and I got the job that they wanted. It was at that store and on a day working with this guy when 911 happened. I was headed to the bank and remember going inside to an eerie experience. There was a TV playing in the lobby and the picture was jumping due to the lack of reception. Everyone was mournful but no one knew what to do. As we watched the second airplane hit. As the second airplane crashed the true terror set in. We all did what we supposed to do and I got my change and headed back to the store. When I got back to the car I turned on the radio to find that nothing had changed, regular music kept playing and it seemed that the rest of the world was not up to speed. I headed inside and the guy came to work. At that time my Mom called to tell me the news that they were thinking that America was under attack. They were worried that very public places would be in danger. Like the malls. I made the decision then that I wanted to be home. This job was not that important. I called home office and told them that we were leaving. The guy did not want to go afraid that he would not be paid. I tried to tell him that there was no way that this would be the case. It was pretty much the first swing that I had taken that got him out of his corner. From then on he was up and swinging. I had taken the importance factor out of his job. To him it was the paycheck and the main reason of his life.

Things came to a boil as the weeks progressed. I was constantly fighting with the guy. I was getting in trouble at work and had no back up. Others were gathering in his corner and I realized that I had to stand up fight and then get out of there. It came when I was written up for supposedly changing the time sheets. I had not done this and I wrote a letter that was amazing and demanded that a meeting be held. I cleared my name but my boss at the time told me that I had been pegged a problem and she was told that I could be dismissed at any time. I waited till it was clear that I wasn’t scared of the guy and quit. Right before Thanksgiving.

The night that I quit I had so many emotions … so many. My crush of several years was the one that came and cheered me up. For really the first time and I think the last time he was the best friend that he could have been. But he was the one guy that I would talk about and analyze for many more years of my life and actually anyone that really knows me now has heard about him. I have since made my peace with myself… for not feeling so guilty for loving someone who I should not have.

The moments that added up to the move to my current home were 1. A new job with the company that I would be with for 6 years… 2. The night that Harrison turned 21 (which was when I truly gave up on the idea of us… but not the hope of what could have been)… 3. When my 21st birthday did not contain the magic that I thought it would hold…

The night before my birthday it started to snow… it was cold and the road conditions were bad. By the next morning it did not look great. I was the only one that could make it to work and it was a ghost town. There were very few employees at the other stores but since it was a retail job of course our store had to be open. I was sad, I was not supposed to work that day and my friends had already started to call and tell me that they were not going to make it to my birthday celebration. I turned on the music to the store and the song “All by myself” comes on the radio. And it made me too sad to cry. Later that night my family came out and my friend Stephanie made it. We were all eating when I see Harrison walking in, but the joy is quickly replaced when I see that he has brought Her with him. Why would he… she was the reason that all hope was gone… why on this night was it thrown back into my face.

Looking back I should have been tougher. I should have been stronger, but I wasn’t. I was ready to go… When the chance came for me to move there was little choice. Why would I stay…there was nothing to keep me.

Does this mean that I did not love the people who were important to me…? This is a hard question. It was hard for me to love when I didn’t feel loved. But I was loved and I am loved. The difference now is I love myself. So the one thing that I am not scared of is who I am becoming now. So here is to the future.

 

It’s a fact, he is kind of strange…

{ December 14, 2008 @ 12:32 am } · { Uncategorized }
{ Tags: , , , } · { Comments (5) }

So many of you read my blog because I opened up to the blog world that I had told a friend of mine that I had feelings for him. I never went in to all the details of why I got the idea in my head that we would be the perfect couple… to much to write.  Also at the time I was feeling that I made it all up and blew it way out of proportion.  Folks, I don’t think it was me that was playing games.

Let me start by saying I don’t think that Dude secretly likes me. I now do not think that we would be a good couple.  At this point I don’t know how our friendship is looking. No, he didn’t do anything mean or hurtful… he just crossed the wierd line too far.

Are you all about to go crazy because I will not tell you what he did. Here it is…

He is flying home to spend New Years Eve with my family! He is staying with my family, at the house that I grew up in. Wait for it, 

I am not going to be there!

That’s right, he is going to see my family without me. How this all came about is a long story- so I will try and make it less painful.

Dude was introduced to my family years ago when they came to visit. Several short visits, nothing special. Then I found out he had a business meeting in my hometown so I called my family and told them. They took him around to the places that I told him would be fun. That is when they both fell in love with each other. My family with Dude and Dude with my family.

About a year passes and I find out that Dude needs someone to work for him and I suggest my sister. She’s hired, and works with him for about half a year, and during that time he travels to my home for “business,” but he didn’t really need to go. Again they had fun.

Now this past May he calls me up and says that he is going to go again and wants me to go with him. The trip home is what threw my mind back  into a muddle. It was nice to travel with a guy… (actually I didn’t want to go at first because I was afraid that the trip would do a number on my heart. I was scared that if I didn’t go it would look weird, and put a strain on my relationship with my family. Especially my mother who, at this point, thinks that Dude and I are really dating but are hiding it from her.) So I went and actually had fun. My family was so nice to each other. I enjoyed the visit with all involved.

Fast forward to the start of the blog and you come to know what happened. Looking back I can see why I could not stand back and not know how he looked at the situation.  Can you imagine traveling with him around the holidays?! He was invited by my family to come home with me for Christmas. He had come to see them, because they came to see me for Thanksgiving, and conversation went to his Thanksgiving. He mentioned that he did not have the best time with his family… Blah blah, my Mom got big eyed and invited him. Then my Dad talked about us car pooling. That was my cue- Ah HA! I know that he does not like road trips. I will talk about how much fun they are and then he will not want to go. There that is a wonderful idea!

Well, after the invite, my family decides that they will head out . Dude is still hanging out. He had taken his wallet out and laid it on the counter and I thought about saying, “Oh your wallet, don’t forget it” Spawning a conversation about him leaving too. But no, I went along with everyone. We all walk outside and hug and talk about seeing each other really soon. And when I say ALL, I mean me, my family and DUDE. There we were side by side, waving and making funny faces and doing little dances together. My Mom’s face was lit up and it hit me… This is not right. This is not fair. I should not have to be here with him beside me. Had I invited him to Thanksgiving or had he invited himself? Actually I can’t remember.

I have no say anymore. He is always going to be there. I can’t be weird, I can’t be rude and I have had just about as much I want to stand. I had decided the next day that I did not want to go and I would tell him.  That’s it, all done. Good I feel better.

Till a couple of nights later… I am working away to make a bunch of ornaments to sell. I need money remember and my mom calls.

“Amy, I thought that you might have disappeared, I haven’t heard from you.”

“Oh, I am just really busy with all the jobs, and school, and getting all the ornaments finished.  I have three showing this weekend.”

“Thats right, I need to tell you about….blah, blah… and when are you coming home? Dude is coming!”

“what? huh?” I try and pay attention and nearly glue myself together. In a not so sweet tone, I reply…”What are you talking about?”

“Dude called your sister and he is coming on New Years Eve and then going to the wedding with her.”

All of a sudden I felt several emotions at once. I was angry, sad, jealous, hurt, and confused! Angry that a friend of mine had booked a trip that we were talked about without me. Sad that it was him, and that I would have to deal with this. Jealous  that my sister got him to go with her to a wedding. Hurt that it was him, and confused because I was blindsided. What was she saying and why is she still talking, “Mom, Mom… Sorry I have to let you go. I promise I will call you back with the dates that I am coming home tomorrow.”

“Amy, are you mad, at Dude?”

“Yeah, I don’t understand… he never told me… wow that’s just weird.”

“Do you ever encourage him?”

Then in a strained voice, that I had actually never heard myself use, “What is that supposed to mean?”

“Never mind, I was just wondering…”

If only my mother knew how many times I held my tongue, when he did stupid things. How many times I had gone out of my way to say the right sweet thing.  The extra kind things that I did… If she only knew the heart ache (past tense).

“Mom, I really need to go. I will call you soon.”

“OK, so he hasn’t told you yet.”

“Bye Mom!”

So when we hung up the phone I had time to process. Why had he not called… weren’t we just talking about the trip as a trip together. I had kept saying that I wanted to take a road trip to discourage him… I never thought that would work so well… and I guess I was not even a factor in the situation.

So, because I am tired of writing I will try and wrap it up, and make this really long story a little shorter. I told Dude that I was disappointed that I had nothing to do with the decision.. he made excuses and I pretty much shot them down and then told him that it didn’t much matter any more. I must say that I did it a very cool way. I kept my calm and I just hope that I was not too cool. I think that I might have hurt his feelings. I am sure that it will pass, I mean it ALWAYS does… At least I do not have to travel with him, and worry about the weirdness. My family does not think that it is strange that a friend of mine…would go on a trip… to my home… without me. My sister is happy that she has a date for a wedding that she is going too, ( don’t get me started about the fact that we have been friends for years and I asked him to go to one wedding with me, because I wanted to dance at the reception, and he backed out!).

And even my good friend, who heard all about it, seems to be getting pulled in by his charm. Can’t I find just one person to be on team???

Best Comment Award

{ November 16, 2008 @ 1:56 pm } · { Uncategorized }
{ Tags: , , , } · { Comments (2) }

 So if you are a dear friend of mine, and you happen to post comments, please don’t be offended when you are not the winner. Because I think that if you knew me, you would not have been able to say what this Gentlemen did about my most popular blog. So here goes: 

From I have the Magic to repel men in two sentences., 2008/11/12 at 12:37 PM

Since the other comments are only to placate your current mindset, which you don’t seem all that happy with, I feel a need to throw in a diff perspective.

You don’t sound crazy, you just sound lost and too willing to dream of change without affecting it. Rule #1 in ALL OF NATURE: The Female Chooses. Birds do it, bees do it, you do it. A female will send signals and males respond to that. No signal, no response. Few signals, few responses. Many signals… That’s where your magic lies. (Any good body language book could help, it you aren’t that confident using them.)

It’s sweet every bone in your body is reluctantly in love. But the shredded wheat side of me thinks you may have “One-itis.” All eggs in one basket doesn’t work too often. Good luck with whatever you do. However, it’s ENTIRELY POSSIBLE he isn’t aware of your feelings for him. Women are FAR more subtle and sensitive to social signals. Men, not so much. What feels like waving a huge flag for you, is a signal he might think, on a good day, is “maybe something”. If your solidly in friend territory, that will be quickly dismissed.

If you want to let him know, start spending more time with him, call for no great reason, invite him out to some happy hours. The increased, though light-hearted, time demand will alert him something’s up, but he’ll also be able to warm up to the idea instead of the smack in the head that a letter would be. Ah, young love. Good luck.

My first thought was “Wow, why could I have not had this comment months ago.” I then closed it and went about my day. But later while at a stop sign it came to me. “It’s all your fault, sorry Amy, but you know it is… It’s all your fault that you have trouble with dating.”  His comment on the Number 1 Rule. Why hadn’t I seen that. I always wonder why when I get dressed up and go out, that the response from the boys is less than when I just happen to go out unplanned.  It is totally my attitude. I am more relaxed and I guess send out better signals. I am not waiting for something to happen.

This might also be why I am not a good date.  I am like the worst date on the planet. But up until the date, I say the right things, I am relaxed and funny. Then once I get ready for an actual date I turn into this weird person who lost all her social skills. Did I mention uptight. Yes, I am also very uptight.

He had also said that I am a dreamer but not willing to change things. So true, but not just in my dating..umm life <cough> , It also effects my everyday life.

His comment about my eggs being in one basket- well, it made me mad!! But when I looked back, while I wasn’t counting on just guy, I was counting out all the others. I would like to believe that I can rock it and date multiple guys, but I should worry about my search more than finding “the one”.

Since this comment did come late some of his points were already pr oven. The Dude that I “smacked”  with the fact that I liked him, did say that there were times in which he thought there was weirdness, but since we were already friends he let it slide.  Side note to this: Since I told Dude, I have come to realize how wonderful it is to know that I have a friend that means so much to me and know that I mean alot to him. He had no other motives but to be a good friend. I just feel bad sometimes that I could not have done the same. But that comes from trust issues with friends from high school. blah, blah blah… BORING.

So thank you to my commentor. And to others, know that you can be honest with me and it will only make me stronger.

Wish I had a real update…

{ September 8, 2008 @ 2:22 am } · { Uncategorized }
{ Tags: , , , } · { Comments (1) }

No news, no news. Luckily today I was very busy. This kept me from looking at my phone every few minutes.

You know how when you are waiting on someone to call you keep making sure that the volume on your phone is high enough. And then you keep checking your battery to make sure that you have no reason to think that the phone will die and then they won’t leave a message and you will never know that they called!!

I was only able to check the phone every three hours or so. Everytime I would hold my breath and… well I can’t tell you if I was dreading a phone call or if I wanted a phone call. Although I would love to be able to  hear how much he actual does love me…the longer I wait the more I know that won’t be the case. Then I don’t want to miss a call because it will seem that I am avoiding him.

I was doing fine, but I felt that I wanted to yell at whoever would listen “I told HIM!” but I did not tell people, remember I learned my lesson about the two dates in one week. It then captured this fairy tale of its own. The only other person that knows is him…(well and wordpress, but everyone that reads my blog is removed from my romantic life, hence why I can talk about it.)

Then I got a voicemail but there was no missed call. I freaked out… How could that have happened. I heard the voicemail ring while I was talking to about thirty people, showing them a website. Although I had my back turned, I could feel the listeners looking around thinking “how rude the girl’s talking, silence your phone person!!!” Little did they know it was my phone. So as soon as I was done I snuck over and tried to glanced at my phone (trying to be sneeky…aka not rude). When I could not find out who had left the message, by looking at the missed calls.. I think that I had a small panic attack. I grabbed the phone and took off to find a place to listen that wasn’t surrounded by people. Luckily it turned out to be my Dad…whew that was close.

But now I had this concern that it would go to straight to voicemail and no message and I would never know….

ob·sess [əb séss, ob séss]
(past ob·sessed, past participle ob·sessed, present participle ob·sess·ing, 3rd person present singular ob·sess·es)
v
1.  vt preoccupy: to occupy somebody’s thoughts constantly and exclusively
The desire for vengeance obsesses him.
 
2.  vi be preoccupied with: to think or worry about something constantly and compulsively
You can’t spend your vacation obsessing about money.