Umm, Where are your stud finders?

{ August 25, 2009 @ 2:15 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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A couple of weeks ago my parents decided that they were going to come see me. I was so excited that I cried. I couldn’t wait for them to come and see me. There was only one little problem. I had this brilliant idea that if I cleaned out all my closets than my life would magically fall into place. Well I was at the stage where the closets were looking better but the thirty piles of stuff that lined the walls was getting out of control.

So I waited, because my best organizing is done in the am… and this am happened to be the last am before they would arrive. The project was completed at 4am. Of course I had help from HN, who was a trooper and helped a lot. She always jokes that I am redoing my closets all the time, and I am… but my thinking is if they were organized well in the first place than they would not get so out of shape so fast.

Anyways the family came and went, but the organization stayed. I was so proud. Every closet was in order and I now had a craft closet. How exciting… I hope that comes in handy when I get back to making my ornaments. Back to the fact that I was proud, that is until last Monday.

Imagine me at 2.30 am. Yes I was asleep. When there was a crash. You know most people asked if I woke up scared that someone was breaking down the door. No I was angry and ready to fight. I must have been tired.  I looked around a little upstairs but before I could truly wake up I looked in the main closet, and sure enough the shelf that holds all the clothes and other now tidy things was on the ground. I did not even look at it, I just closed the door and went to back to sleep. I would deal with it later.

Well later came today. I have put it off long enough I thought. So I took a trip to Lowes to pick up some spackle and hardware. While there I realized that not only did I stick out because I was dressed up from work, and had on a skirt, but also because I had grabbed a reusable bag out of my car, one that I use instead of getting a plastic bag that I would promptly take home and put in another plastic trash bag, and it happened to be bright pink with two little birds on it, needless to say a tiny bit girly.

So as my shopping trip came to a close I was having trouble locating what I was looking for because they had rearranged a section in the tools, but you can guarantee that I was not going to ask “Umm, where are your stud finders?”.

borrowed for the storyWell I found it and came home and now they are sitting in that cute bag of mine on the floor untouched… Maybe tomorrow I will get the items upstairs! What is wrong with me?

Just Because

{ August 24, 2009 @ 5:52 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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Just because I ran across this, this is a Dating Profile that I wrote awhile back… I cant even remember from what site but I thought that I would share it with you all.

Laughing is one of the things that I do best. I enjoy hanging out with my really good friends.  I am usually very busy volunteering at several different organizations. I am social and enjoy meeting new people. I think the only thing that I find hard is letting someone know the quiet side of me.

I am looking forward to meeting someone who wants to share the fun little things of life. It might be their favorite books or movies or maybe its something new that you’ve always wanted to try. One of my favorite things to do is somewhat of a social experiment, you have to go up to a complete stranger and compliment them on something.  It might be their laugh or their smile. It was a challenge at first but has turned into quite the blessing. Its all in attempt to take the time to be extra nice to those around me, even if they do not know me.

Oh one last thing, I love jokes. Go ahead tell me your favorite.

Happy Birthday to my Randomness!

{ August 21, 2009 @ 5:18 am } · { Uncategorized }
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                    It’s My Blog’s 1st Birthday Aug 21st. cakeTo celebrate I think that I am going to have a look back on some of my favorite posts.

  1. The most popular
  2. Another Story (About a one legged man)
  3. Thank goodness for Handicap rails
  4. Didn’t I see you in Yellowstone 
  5. You can’t tell me you two didn’t have fun!
  6. Cowboy
  7. This is your last warning before going to Jail
  8.  He got the message alright
  9. Kickboxing for fatness
  10. It’s a fact he is kind of strange  

 

And then see if you are a commentor of my blog, not only does is make me happy, but it can change the way I see myself and others. I love growing… Best Comment Award

And please send all Birthday cards with at least a five dollar bill!

To the future

{ August 19, 2009 @ 5:40 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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As I sit thinking about my future I am glad that I was able to have a visit from my past. My best friend that dates back to when I was 15 came to see me for the week. It was at an unexpected time to have old memories come back into my life. My decisions of the past seven years have come to the forefront. With the semester coming to a close I have to decide where I am going to be, and who I am now. I have put this off for about two years.

I quit my job, my career and who I was becoming at the end of the summer two years ago. I told myself that I was not running away but changing the future. But I did run away and this was not the first time that I have made up my mind and jumped into things. The first time was when I decided to move to Texas. It was following my 21st birthday. The day I felt alone.

I had, like most young adults, been looking forward to the day in which it seems freedom comes. I had been an adult since I turned 18, and I had voted, but I felt almost there… Then when I bought my car and I was making money and I could do what I wanted. I started to make sure that I was taking my life in my own hands. Certain things that I was supposed to do were slowly being replaced with things I choose.

 I choose to not go to college. I thought that I needed some time to decide who I wanted to be. I had not made the best grades in high school not because I couldn’t make them but because I could not make the best grades and get by. So I had no scholarships to fall back on. Unlike most seniors I had not even thought about what college that I was going to attend. With my family it was not assumed that I would go.

I choose to work. Because I could live at home I got a job. The reason I decided to apply for this job was the fact the guy working there was adorable. Plus the retail store seemed to fit. It had character and the music was right up my alley. And now that I think about it Belle was right there with me when I first thought about going to apply.

The day of my interview the Manager was out sick and one of the assistants gave me the interview. It was a good interview and it was when I meet Lacy that I knew things were going to go well. A friendship started that showed me that someone could travel and make their way away from their family. She was so strong and vulnerable. She told the manager how much she liked me and they offered me the job later that day.

 I did not hesitate when I took the job. It wasn’t long till I became an assistant for the Holidays and the job fit. I like people and helping them. There was something about spending time with someone and they left feeling like they were heard. They had value and not with just money but also with their options. You, the salesperson, also had value because you were able to fit their needs. I showed promise and I could get the job done.

I moved up a position when the girl that hired me was fired. She was not actually doing anything wrong it was just the combination of personalities and being in the wrong place at the wrong time for her and the opposite for me. I liked the job, the people that I worked with, and the money.

It was going great until I learned a very important lesson. Take care of yourself first. It was when the district manager was scheduled to visit. I stayed late that day trying to make sure that the store looked good. I worked on the whole store, but put off doing my section last. The others were not there to make sure that whole store looked good. By the time that I got to the children’s section I was tired and did not pay enough attention. So when the DM came to visit and tore my section apart it hurt, way more than it should. My boss did not stick up for me but he also couldn’t. The DM, looking back was not a confident person and not a good boss.

By the time he had left my fate was sealed. I was weak and of no value to the company. I was transferred months later to another store. The floor plan was different, the mall was different and all of this was not a great fit. It started that I came in and found that all my past hard work and the fact that I had worked my way up was of no measure. Also one of the staff members there was jealous. I was young and I got the job that they wanted.

 It was at that store and on a day working with this guy when 9-11 happened. I was headed to the bank and remember going inside to an eerie experience. There was a TV playing in the lobby and the picture was jumping due to the lack of reception. Everyone was mournful but no one knew what to do. As we watched the second airplane hit. As the second airplane crashed the true terror set in. We all did what we supposed to do and I got my change and headed back to the store.

When I got back to the car I turned on the radio to find that nothing had changed, regular music kept playing and it seemed that the rest of the world was not up to speed. I headed inside and the guy came to work. At that time my Mom called to tell me the news that they were thinking that America was under attack. They were worried that very public places would be in danger. Like the malls. I made the decision then that I wanted to be home.

This job was not that important. I called home office and told them that we were leaving. The guy did not want to go afraid that he would not be paid. I tried to tell him that there was no way that this would be the case. It was pretty much the first swing that I had taken that got him out of his corner. From then on he was up and swinging. I had taken the importance factor out of his job. To him it was the paycheck and the main reason of his life.

Things came to a boil as the weeks progressed. I was constantly fighting with the guy. I was getting in trouble at work and had no back up. Others were gathering in his corner and I realized that I had to stand up fight and then get out of there. It came when I was written up for supposedly changing the time sheets. I had not done this and I wrote a letter that was amazing and demanded that a meeting be held. I cleared my name but my boss at the time told me that I had been pegged a problem and she was told that I could be dismissed at any time. I waited till it was clear that I wasn’t scared of the guy and quit. Right before Thanksgiving.

The night that I quit I had so many emotions … so many. My crush of several years was the one that came and cheered me up. For really the first time, and I think the last time, he was the best friend that he could have been. But he was the one guy that I would talk about and analyze for many more years of my life and actually anyone that really knows me now has heard about him. I have since made my peace with myself… for not feeling so guilty for loving someone who I should not have.

The moments that added up to the move to my current home were:

 1. A new job with the company that I would be with for 6 years…

2. The night that Harry turned 21 (which was when I truly gave up on the idea of us… but not the hope of what could have been)…

3. When my 21st birthday did not contain the magic that I thought it would hold… The night before my birthday it started to snow… it was cold and the road conditions were bad. By the next morning it did not look great. I was the only one that could make it to work and it was a ghost town. There were very few employees at the other stores but since it was a retail job of course our store had to be open.

 I was sad, I was not supposed to work that day and my friends had already started to call and tell me that they were not going to make it to my birthday celebration. I turned on the music to the store and the song “All by myself” comes on the radio. And it made me too sad to cry.

Later that night my family came out and my friend Setty made it. We were all eating when I see Harry walking in, but the joy is quickly replaced when I see that he has brought Her with him. Why would he… she was the reason that all hope was gone… why on this night was it thrown back into my face. Looking back I should have been tougher. I should have been stronger, but I wasn’t.

I was ready to go… When the chance came for me to move there was little choice. Why would I stay…there was nothing to keep me. Does this mean that I did not love the people who were important to me…? This is a hard question. It was hard for me to love when I didn’t feel loved. But I was loved and I am loved. The difference now is I love myself. So the one thing that I am not scared of is who I am becoming now. So here is to the future.

My So Called Dating Life

{ August 18, 2009 @ 5:02 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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I do not think that I am cut out for this. I read somewhere the other day that “Everyone has the dating life that they want.” I was thinking about that statement and it immediately made me want to shake my head and pout like a three year old.

Na huh! If that was the case then I would have this fabulous dating life. Dating and befriending guys of all types.

I mean I am a very social person now, but I have few guy friends. I blame this on the fact that until recently I worked with all women… and to give myself some credit I do have some more now that I made some from classes.

So I got to thinking about it and I think that that phrase is right. I meet gentlemen all the time, but I rarely come across a guy I would like to date. And I would say that I have been lucky enough to not date the ones that I thought that I wanted to. They were usually all wrong and I do not think that they would appreciate me. I would have ended up hurt and then not able to make clear choices in the future.

The fact that I am saying that I am glad that I have the dating life that I have is a huge deal!

The reason that I think this is because in my previous blog I wrote about the Dinosaur Dance, where at the end of it I was asked by a polite guy for my email. I gave it to him, oh fun I guess that I will give him a blog name of Rex, just because I like giving people a blog name, not because I really want to be secretive Anyways Rex sent me a nice hello and I wrote back. Well a couple of hours later he wrote back… and this just got me to thinking.

I don’t think that I want to do THIS. This as defined as :          Well, there is no easy way to define this small thing that I am giving way too much thought too. I gave him my email but I was not excited about it, but then I thought it was nice that he did write. Guys tend to start something and not follow through. Then I made up my mind that since this was no big deal… I mean I usually do not find any harm in sending a couple of emails.  It’s not like there are true feelings involved.  For all I know he was being nice… I would just write him a while and see what happens.

I am worried that somehow I will hurt someone… I am worried that I will go out with him and not like him and then be pulled into this strange world of wonder ifs, even more… I am worried that if I decide that I just don’t want to talk to the guy that my friends will be disappointed and it will make me feel worse… I am worried that I am being too picky for no good reason…  I am worried that I am becoming bitter.

So I think that I am going to put off talking to him until I know a little more of what I want. I don’t want to jump to any kind of conclusions about anything… plus I need to focus on the other things going on. Like the small task of planning the rest of my life. HA

I Just Want to Dance with Somebody…

{ August 17, 2009 @ 4:38 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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I knew that I was going to have fun, I had gone to something like this last year. I headed over to Dancer’s house to get ready. As a girl I have always noticed that I always have fun when I get ready with someone else. There’s something about looking forward to an event and then sharing that excitement with someone else. After she made me a lovely cocktail we were picked up by our Bubbly, sweet driver, I think that Bubbly will be a great name for her here.

We got to the Museum and met up with Dancer’s cousin. And headed in. Mixers2-256The night just had this high energy. We walked into the main room and the lights were low and the dinosaur exhibits were dimly lit. The Salsa music beat through the place nicely. There is something magical about live music. Your ear instantly knows that this is a treat and listens that much closer. We hopped into line and picked up some goodies. The crowd was amazingly Big City, there were people of all ages and types, but we all seemed to fit. Later a beer bought from a cute attendee only added to my thoughts that this night was going to be great.

So we made our way past Big Rex and right to the dance floor. Where we watched others dance. Have you ever wanted to dance and you have to hold yourself still. Well that is how I feel whenever I hear music. So it didn’t take too long till I was tired of being still. And you might ask why I was holding back… well I was waiting to be asked. I have started going dancing at least once a month. This last month was Swing Dancing and I hope that I write about that soon, but during that dance I was asked to dance so often that I had to turn men down, just so that I could catch my breath. This night was not like this. The place was packed and this was supposed to be some sort of Mixer right… I thought that the whole point was to mingle.

I know what you are thinking, if you wanted to dance… why did you not ask? Well I have an answer, be it one that I am not proud of. I Did Not Want To. I wanted to be asked. But I wanted my friend to be asked more. Dancer is a beautiful and lovely girl. She would be the best girlfriend to a guy. But starting slower, she is a great dancer. She has been taking Salsa for awhile and I love when I get to see her dance. She is so graceful and proud. When she spins and turns, it is the one time that Everyone can see her love for the world. I wanted her to get asked… I wanted her to have to turn away the men and be carefree. There were actually several guys in this group of Mixers, which she had danced with in the past thru class and other events, but all those were in a different place and a different time.

Why they didn’t ask I do not know… there seems to be only one hard fact, and it was the same reason that I stood there painfully still. We are not skinny. Bubbly was carefree, she was a great dancer, and she remained busy the whole night… She is skinny. This only made it worse… this only made it harder.  I was jealous… and it made me wonder why so many gentlemen have a problem with my weight if I don’t… or do I?

It also seems that this is the only reason that I can think of for my usually empty dance card. Mind you it might have started with one look from a skinny person, but now me being fat is a problem. This suborn part of me does not want to let go of my outer shell. It is the wall that I have to keeps me safe. It gives me a clear reason why I am rejected… But then the question comes into play. Is every single guy out there shallow? There is no way that this can be, so it has to something different.

So why am I in this dance? Is it because I have to dance alone… because no partner could come along and dance with me that would fix the problem… If someone came into my life and loved my body for every curve and roll would I magically be fine with them. I doubt it. But I do think that my weight is a huge (no pun intended) issue for my love life. There are many other insecurities… and things that I need to just stop worrying about. And to tell you the truth I feel like this is happening. The examples of that are small but are adding up and I feel like I will explain them more in another blog, but I want to get back to the story of that night…

 We were tired of being downstairs and moved upstairs where we stayed for a good part of the night. I actually enjoyed it up there because I could watch others dance and not feel like I was not being asked. It really was a neat place to be on a summer night. We later went downstairs in a last attempt to move on the dance floor. And there I was when I realized that I did not want to wait to dance. I could dance alone, so I got Dancer to hesitantly start to move… I don’t know if I had not noticed it before but then it appeared that all those around us were dancing too, alone. It was not long until it was too hot to stay there and be comfortable, but I did learn that I had been holding back during the couple dances. When you dance by yourself you do not have to follow anyone’s lead… And you know that’s when I am really comfortable…

We moved to the outer edges to catch some AC and some of the people from a Contra dance that we went to were along one wall… It was a bunch of boys and then here we were a bunch of girls lining the opposite wall. I had this glimpse of an eighth grade dance and all the awkwardness. You could tell that the men wanted to dance. They were standing all tall and glancing around. You could tell that they, too, were having trouble standing still. The only glue that was holding their feet to the floor was insecurity. Wow, what strong and common glue that is…

Anyways Bubbly shows again and we all decided that we had had a great enough time to leave. Dancer, being the social wonder that she is, went to go and say goodbye to the fellows. I went as well, as we were saying goodbye this guy who I had noticed earlier and thought that he was one of the crew that I had met at a Contra dance walks up to me and shakes my hand but does not move away to shake Dancers. In fact that was the first time that I had talked to him that night so it was a strange goodbye that turned into a Hello. He started talking and asking my name and all sorts of questions… I was headed out… remember. He said his name, and I like normal didn’t hear it. (I have this problem with hearing people’s name and I am worst at remembering those even 2 minutes later) I said something about maybe meeting him before and asked if it was a Contra. He said that not only had he never been to Contra that he had never been to the other dance places and we tried a couple of other places, but alas I never figured it out.

So I was still backing up to go find my friends, who I thought would be out the door, waiting by the elevator and wondering where I was… when he asked me if I had an email address. What? I just meet this guy, I think, 30 seconds ago and he knows that I am leaving… so is he trying and making sure that this is not our last conversation? I am guessing so. So without much thought as to why not I give it to him and with a “what is your name again?” and another failed attempt at actually hearing it I turn to catch up with my friends. There are the three of them. Standing there smiling at me like “Did that really just happen?” and “What was that, he was cute?” “Did he give you a business card?… To tell the truth I was thinking that they would be on the same track as me. I was thinking that the whole thing was very humorous and that I had no idea why I gave a guy I really was not attracted to my email… But no they were excited and thinking Job Well Done! And I was proud, just a little more than a little, but thought that I would worry about the other worries later.

  We went and had ice cream and some fun conversation. I actually sang a little in the place. Mind you I do not think that it was loud enough to draw too much attention, but I had fun showing off my ability to mimic several different types of voices. I was actually surprised that Dancer had not heard most of them. She has heard me sing on several occasions… Why am I still talking about this?  The night was a great one and I ended getting to go over to my BEFF’s house and spending the night. We had a great day the next day but I am also going to save that for another post.

So just to keep you all up to date, the guy did send an email. I saw it today, but he sent it Saturday night. Which is a little surprisng becasue dont most guys play it cool? Anyways the letter, yes letter, was very formal. It was polite and stated where and when we met, with the full name of the museum. He also stated that we could not figure out where we knew each other and said that he hoped I had a good Friday night and a enjoyable weekend. He signed it with Regards, and then his name. This was no where close to name that I thought it was.

So to try and solve the mystery of where I know him, I plugged his email into facebook. We do not have any mutual friends so that solved nothing! Well I have been thinking about whether I should or should not write him back. But I am guessing that I will go ahead and write back, but I am not really excited about that. I guess that might be a good thing… I do crazy things when I do. I will keep you all updated I am sure.

Cowboy

{ June 24, 2009 @ 9:15 am } · { Uncategorized }
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Today I went and saw the movie He’s Just Not That Into You and its funny… I wish that I had seen this movie a  year ago.  Although I don’t know if things would have been different if I had.  I actually read the book when it came out, just like the movie it was clear… If a guy likes you he will make it know.  I have also had the opportunity to meet a guy who has been very honest with me and given me a new guys perspective.

I found that from the outside I can see very clearly whether a guy is NOT into me, however I am not good at really knowing if a guy IS into me.  There have been times in which I was sure that someone was flirting with me… I have to tell you that I love these times. I find myself being more aware of myself, and I like that. I tend to actually be nicer to my self esteem. I look forward to the chance meetings and I love avoiding the glances made by the guy.  I am not sure if they know that I can see them trying to get my attention, or if I am that good at faking it.

There was this one guy who I can actually remember the first time that I saw him. I was standing on a ladder when he walked by. OK so I don’t think that I can avoid telling the small details so I will just have to…  I worked in the mall and I was a manager of a very nice store. I was in the window doing a display when a new security guard walked by. I have no idea why he caught my attention but there I was trying to get some silly cardboard thing level with fishing wire. But there it was… this moment in which I was looking and discovered that he was looking back, and I did what I always do… as soon as I realize that something was happening I looked away.

I did not go out of my way to find him again, but I can’t say the same thing about him. It wasn’t too long before he would come by and then come in. I had to get really good at not noticing him. My coworkers found the whole thing very entertaining. If I was not there, they would tell when he came in and how he would eventually get around to asking where I was.  I remember the day that I said something to him for the first time and how he smiled and smiled. I also remember how after several weeks, maybe even months we had a full conversation. I was telling him this story and he was eating a snack that the store had out for the customers. He was so caught up in me that he placed a pen in his mouth instead of the snack.  That was one of the cutest things a guy has ever done.  It wasn’t what he did it was how he reacted.

It was later that week that he came in and was talking to a coworker of mine, who he actually went to school with, and she ended up walking away mad… the reason was that he kept bringing ME up. “We talked for awhile yesterday.” Things like that.  Thats when I decided that I should give him my phone number. I worked up a plan and with the knowledge that he was interested. I had written my number on a business card so that I could give it to him when the opportunity arises.

Little did I know that it would come up that very afternoon. I was walking to go home and passed the security car that he was in, I got up my nerve and I turned around, walked right back to the car, and handed him my card.  “You dropped something that I thought you might like to have,” I said very innocently and then I walked away. I never looked back and I waited til I got to the car before I freakedout. Actually i did not freak out, I was  just more surprised that I actually did it.

Nothing came out this, he never called and by the time I had started to pay him attention he had a girlfriend. He would still walk by and start random conversations. Actually I figured out this game of sorts… He would walk by and if I acknowledged that he was there it would take a long time before he would come by again… However I would see him coming, because I am one of those people that knows generally what is going on around me at all times. I was the Boss so I had to be super aware.. anyways I would notice that he was coming and just about the time that we would make eye contact I would lift a box in the line of vision or I would drop something… Then I would tell my coworker, “Alright give him two minutes.” And two minutes later here he would come. Never failed. Still to this day I think about how strange it was that I let myself get so carried away. I ended up flirting with him way too much and somehow kept my feelings open… I wish that I had checked myself earlier.

I do some of the strangest things when it comes to Boys!!

I do not want to write this…

{ June 20, 2009 @ 10:43 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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 I do not want to write this… I am desperate. So that is why I am. Lately I have not been home much. I have been so busy that I do know what all I have been doing. I have basically been demanding myself to have fun.

During some of this time I have been house sitting , which means that I watched way too much tv. It all started with Who’s Wedding Is It Anyway? and then Bridezilla. I watched all these people in both good and bad relationships and started thinking about my current love situation… Well if having love was what this post was over then, it would be over here.

I do not have a loving relationship in the form of  “love that comes from a man that adores me”. I have always wondered why this is always the case and this is not the first time that I have written about it. In fact I should change the title of this blog to “Girl , Who Writes About Biggest Insecurity”, because that is truly what it is.

You read about all the things to do to detract yourself from being single. You are supposed to fill your days with things that you enjoy and that will make you forget about how much you are alone and you get to enjoy that time with yourself. And then magically one day you will be at one of these fabulous things and you will meet someone… and then your life will change forever. How many times have you heard, “It will happen when you least expect it.”

Well, while I was trying to make sure that nothing bothered me, at least not for long ,about being alone I have ignored my feelings  about it for awhile now.  I mean I touch on them often enough, but I have never really dealt with them. What if I am to be by myself for the rest of my life. I can not spend everyday doing something meaningful.

And right now I am tired. I have to slow down. I have to start building up a future on my own. I think I have always lived my life like it would one day be combined with someones else and then I would have a fun and diverse foundation to build a wonderful relationship on. I don’t want to give up, but I find myself becoming more and more real about things. As much as it pains me to say, I have to think about the real possibility that I may be alone for the rest of my life.

I came to a conclusion the other night when I was tired, very tired, I was thinking about a crush that I have on a boy. I met him the normal way. I was out playing pool with a new friend of mine that I met in Chemistry class. We both had wanted to do something that night that did not cost too much money, but active. We decided on pool. Earlier that night I had invited the boy I liked from Chemistry class, but as I left the message on his phone I knew that he was not going to show… and to tell the truth that was the day that I knew nothing was ever going to come of that… although I did not give up trying. ( There are other stories about Chem boy that I might write about, but it makes me kind of sad, but only because I watched myself pushing things a little too hard.) Anyways, the night was already fun when I ran into a friend of mine who was with some of his buddies. They were both cute and I found myself asking him if any of them were single. One was. I was pretty much on the prowl. I normally do not flat out ask, I go about the more innocent way, but that night I was– different.

We ended up being in pairs and my friend was great about bringing the attention to me. They even made the teams so that we were on the same side. I was not doing a bad job at playing the game and I was having a blast. I was flirting more than normal and being me. Sometimes when I am in settings with cute guys than I act like this weird person, that way they do not reject the real me.

When the night came to a close pool boy was very nice and we all talked about getting together again soon. He got both my number and Chelle’s. Actually I am not sure who started all the number sharing Chelle or him… but it doesn’t matter much. He called both of us the next week and invited us to Broomball. A game that you play on ice. Like hockey but you wear shoes and play with rubber balls. I went but Chelle did not.

The game was fun. I ended up playing with 25 dudes and only three girls. Of course because it was on ice I fell. I actually think that I broke part of my hand… but since that fall happened before the game started I kept playing. I was proud of myself for going, I was really worried about showing my nonathletic ability to this guy. The night ended with a little awkward conversation and then him saying he needed to get up early in the morning because he was volunteering for habitat for humanity the next day. Oh yeah, that made the crush start.

Well I did what you are not supposed to do, I called him on Monday to say that I had fun. He invited me to a Bible Study that night, but I had class so I could not go. So that was the last that I talked to him until a couple of weeks ago.  I called him and asked him about Bible Study, of course like a true gentleman he told me about it and even picked me up. It so happens that his brother is staying with him for the summer so I have yet to really have a conversation with him. In fact when he calls on the phone and leaves messages he always leaves his whole name. It always seems that he is calling and leaving a message and I am calling him back.

We had a plan that I was excited about and I had convinced Chelle to come along and keep the brother entertained. But then on the day of, he called and cancelled because his brother did not want to go. I believed him when he said that he wanted to go some other time and he did sound sincere that he wanted to go that night. I also realized that timing for me is not my friend. Now he has gone out of town, but before he left we had a slightly better phone conversation and I am left hoping that he calls me when he gets home.

So back to the conclusion that I came too, I was thinking about how I like the guy, but more because of the details about him. I do not really know much about him at all. I do know that he is a smart, attractive, very social and a Godly man. I have no idea how he feels about me and if there is even a hint of attraction on his part. That is where I realized that what I liked about him was that it gave me hope.

I thought that I could actually like someone that I could share my whole life with. Someone that I could volunteer with, go to church with, and try and find new things to do every weekend. Now I have this new found idea that no matter what I do not want to settle. I do not even want to waste my time crushing on someone not worthy of my time. And I am going to spend more time on myself. More time not worrying about filling out every second that I will not worry about being alone.

So maybe I can become ok, with being alone. Without having to move or change everything in my life.

And of course who did I call… Mom.

{ May 24, 2009 @ 4:32 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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  “Mom, there are cars every where and I can’t get home. It’s crazy.”

“What in the world! what’s happening!”

“Well I was on my way home and it rained so hard tonight that the roads are flooded… Oh no! That car is going to try and make it… Opps, they did. Oh here comes another idiot… Slow down fool.”

“Are you in the water… Is your house ok. I would want to get home and check on my house.”

“I am sure my house is fine… It hasn’t flooded ever. Oh I think that I might have to park here and walk home. The traffic is not moving.”

“Are there people out!”

“Oh yeah, I mean it is Houston. I had to work tonight and it was raining really hard earlier. Anyways I got off and was heading down Side Rd when I noticied that there were cars parked in the medians and an abandoned car with the harzards on. Then there was a nice mercedes parked in the middle of the intersection. It was crazy. I thought that I should call and report it because it was blocking the street, but when I turned on Main Road there were tow trucks and flashing lights everywhere.”

“Amy, what in the world!”

“It was so strange cars were parked in the parking lots all crazy and there were people just standing in the road. Well I think that since all the 20 cars went through than I can make it… So I better let you go.”

“Oh no, just put me down and let me hear you go through the water.”

“What.. no. Oh Okay.”

…. “well what are you doing…talk to me while you do it.”

“The whole point of me getting off the phone was to not be disstracted.  Oh, I am through, that was not bad. The water has drained off alot. Still there are people all over the place. Well, I am home do you want to stay on the phone while I go out to the road and see  whats going on?”

“Of course, just ask someone what’s going on.”

“Umm, mom its raining.  Ha ha didn’t I mention that. Well there are some people out here. Let me see whats going on.”

“Call me back!!!”

……..

“Oh Mom, so I thought that the excitment was done for the night, when I let you go I saw a tow truck get stuck and I talked to some people who have been in our parking lot since 10.30.”

“What were they doing being out at 10.30 at night!”

“Mom, this is a big city they don’t pull up the sidewalk at night, besides if they did then there would have been a place for all the water to go.”

“True, ha”

“Well, then when I went in I said something to my neighbor’s friend… actually I thought that my neighbor was out there. I said ‘I thought that you would be out there checking out the happenings.’ Then he was like ‘who is you.’ and gets up. Then he starts to tell me, how earlier that night he was stuck on other main road and had to get out and walk … and he already had been in a fight with a black guy.

My comment was,  ’well then I guess you have already been in the chaos.” as I am trying to make my exit from the conversation. He then tells me all about his new truck and how the water came in when he opened the door, then this ‘black guy’ comes at him and wants to fight. So he starts fighting him and then puts him in the water. “I was drowning the dude, when I picked him up and threw him on the side and said ‘Come at me again you MF and I will drown your Ass!’ And now I am waiting on Baby Girl, well that’s what I call her… She is stuck in traffic.”

-”oh ok, well I am going in, have a better night”

What? Say it again! What did he tell the guy?… You’ll see on the news how someone drown and then you’ll feel bad.. Ha Ha that’s hilarous.. I will drown your ass!!

“You would have had so much fun tonight, I was so tired on the way home and now I am all wound up. Did I wake you earlier?”

“No, I was up, Lily is here, she came to spend the weekend with us. She named Robert’s goat. The goat is already smarter than the dog.”

“I told you all, that you needed a goat. You already have all the other types of animals at the house. Well we better get to sleep. Talk to you soon, Love you Mom.”

“Love you too, Thanks for calling!”

To the future…

{ May 24, 2009 @ 3:53 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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As I sit thinking about my future I am glad that I was able to have a visit from my past. My best friend that dates back to when I was 15 came to see me for the week. It was at an unexpected time to have old memories come back into my life. My decisions of the past seven years have come to the forefront. With the semester coming to a close I have to decide where I am going to be, and who I am now.

I have put this off for about two years. I quit my job, my career and who I was becoming at the end of the summer two years ago. I told myself that I was not running away but changing the future. But I did run away and this was not the first time that I have made up my mind and jumped into things. The first time was when I decided to move to Texas. It was following my 21st birthday. The day I felt alone.

I had, like most young adults, been looking forward to the day in which it seems freedom comes. I had been an adult since I turned 18, and I had voted, but I felt almost there… Then when I bought my car and I was making money and I could do what I wanted. I started to make sure that I was taking my life in my own hands. Certain things that I was supposed to do were slowly being replaced with things I choose.

I choose to not go to college. I thought that I needed some time to decide who I wanted to be. I had not made the best grades in high school not because I couldn’t make them but because I could not make the best grades and get by. So I had no scholarships to fall back on. Unlike most seniors I had not even thought about what college that I was going to attend. With my family it was not assumed that I would go. I choose to work.

Because I could live at home I got a job. The reason I decided to apply for this job was the fact the guy working there was adorable. Plus the retail store seemed to fit. It had character and the music was right up my alley. And now that I think about it Katy was right there with me when I first thought about going to apply.

The day of my interview the Manager was out sick and one of the assistants gave me the interview. It was a good interview and it was when I meet Lacy that I knew things were going to go well. A friendship started that showed me that someone could travel and make their way away from their family. She was so strong and vulnerable. She told the manager how much she liked me and they offered me the job later that day. I did not hesitate when I took the job.

It wasn’t long till I became an assistant for the Holidays and the job fit. I like people and helping them. There was something about spending time with someone and they left feeling like they were heard. They had value and not with just money but also with their options. You, the salesperson, also had value because you were able to fit their needs. I showed promise and I could get the job done. I moved up a position when the girl that hired me was fired. She was not actually doing anything wrong it was just the combination of personalities and being in the wrong place at the wrong time for her and the opposite for me.

I liked the job, the people that I worked with, and the money. It was going great until I learned a very important lesson. Take care of yourself first. It was when the district manager was scheduled to visit. I stayed late that day trying to make sure that the store looked good. I worked on the whole store, but put off doing my section last. The others were not there to make sure that whole store looked good. By the time that I got to the children’s section I was tired and did not pay enough attention. So when the DM came to visit and tore my section apart it hurt, way more than it should. My boss did not stick up for me but he also couldn’t. The DM, looking back was not a confident person and not a good boss. By the time he had left my fate was sealed. I was weak and of no value to the company.

I was transferred months later to another store. The floor plan was different, the mall was different and all of this was not a great fit. It started that I came in and found that all my past hard work and the fact that I had worked my way up was of no measure. One of the staff members there was jealous. I was young and I got the job that they wanted. It was at that store and on a day working with this guy when 911 happened. I was headed to the bank and remember going inside to an eerie experience. There was a TV playing in the lobby and the picture was jumping due to the lack of reception. Everyone was mournful but no one knew what to do. As we watched the second airplane hit. As the second airplane crashed the true terror set in. We all did what we supposed to do and I got my change and headed back to the store. When I got back to the car I turned on the radio to find that nothing had changed, regular music kept playing and it seemed that the rest of the world was not up to speed. I headed inside and the guy came to work. At that time my Mom called to tell me the news that they were thinking that America was under attack. They were worried that very public places would be in danger. Like the malls. I made the decision then that I wanted to be home. This job was not that important. I called home office and told them that we were leaving. The guy did not want to go afraid that he would not be paid. I tried to tell him that there was no way that this would be the case. It was pretty much the first swing that I had taken that got him out of his corner. From then on he was up and swinging. I had taken the importance factor out of his job. To him it was the paycheck and the main reason of his life.

Things came to a boil as the weeks progressed. I was constantly fighting with the guy. I was getting in trouble at work and had no back up. Others were gathering in his corner and I realized that I had to stand up fight and then get out of there. It came when I was written up for supposedly changing the time sheets. I had not done this and I wrote a letter that was amazing and demanded that a meeting be held. I cleared my name but my boss at the time told me that I had been pegged a problem and she was told that I could be dismissed at any time. I waited till it was clear that I wasn’t scared of the guy and quit. Right before Thanksgiving.

The night that I quit I had so many emotions … so many. My crush of several years was the one that came and cheered me up. For really the first time and I think the last time he was the best friend that he could have been. But he was the one guy that I would talk about and analyze for many more years of my life and actually anyone that really knows me now has heard about him. I have since made my peace with myself… for not feeling so guilty for loving someone who I should not have.

The moments that added up to the move to my current home were 1. A new job with the company that I would be with for 6 years… 2. The night that Harrison turned 21 (which was when I truly gave up on the idea of us… but not the hope of what could have been)… 3. When my 21st birthday did not contain the magic that I thought it would hold…

The night before my birthday it started to snow… it was cold and the road conditions were bad. By the next morning it did not look great. I was the only one that could make it to work and it was a ghost town. There were very few employees at the other stores but since it was a retail job of course our store had to be open. I was sad, I was not supposed to work that day and my friends had already started to call and tell me that they were not going to make it to my birthday celebration. I turned on the music to the store and the song “All by myself” comes on the radio. And it made me too sad to cry. Later that night my family came out and my friend Stephanie made it. We were all eating when I see Harrison walking in, but the joy is quickly replaced when I see that he has brought Her with him. Why would he… she was the reason that all hope was gone… why on this night was it thrown back into my face.

Looking back I should have been tougher. I should have been stronger, but I wasn’t. I was ready to go… When the chance came for me to move there was little choice. Why would I stay…there was nothing to keep me.

Does this mean that I did not love the people who were important to me…? This is a hard question. It was hard for me to love when I didn’t feel loved. But I was loved and I am loved. The difference now is I love myself. So the one thing that I am not scared of is who I am becoming now. So here is to the future.

 

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