I do not want to write this… I am desperate. So that is why I am. Lately I have not been home much. I have been so busy that I do know what all I have been doing. I have basically been demanding myself to have fun.
During some of this time I have been house sitting , which means that I watched way too much tv. It all started with Who’s Wedding Is It Anyway? and then Bridezilla. I watched all these people in both good and bad relationships and started thinking about my current love situation… Well if having love was what this post was over then, it would be over here.
I do not have a loving relationship in the form of “love that comes from a man that adores me”. I have always wondered why this is always the case and this is not the first time that I have written about it. In fact I should change the title of this blog to “Girl , Who Writes About Biggest Insecurity”, because that is truly what it is.
You read about all the things to do to detract yourself from being single. You are supposed to fill your days with things that you enjoy and that will make you forget about how much you are alone and you get to enjoy that time with yourself. And then magically one day you will be at one of these fabulous things and you will meet someone… and then your life will change forever. How many times have you heard, “It will happen when you least expect it.”
Well, while I was trying to make sure that nothing bothered me, at least not for long ,about being alone I have ignored my feelings about it for awhile now. I mean I touch on them often enough, but I have never really dealt with them. What if I am to be by myself for the rest of my life. I can not spend everyday doing something meaningful.
And right now I am tired. I have to slow down. I have to start building up a future on my own. I think I have always lived my life like it would one day be combined with someones else and then I would have a fun and diverse foundation to build a wonderful relationship on. I don’t want to give up, but I find myself becoming more and more real about things. As much as it pains me to say, I have to think about the real possibility that I may be alone for the rest of my life.
I came to a conclusion the other night when I was tired, very tired, I was thinking about a crush that I have on a boy. I met him the normal way. I was out playing pool with a new friend of mine that I met in Chemistry class. We both had wanted to do something that night that did not cost too much money, but active. We decided on pool. Earlier that night I had invited the boy I liked from Chemistry class, but as I left the message on his phone I knew that he was not going to show… and to tell the truth that was the day that I knew nothing was ever going to come of that… although I did not give up trying. ( There are other stories about Chem boy that I might write about, but it makes me kind of sad, but only because I watched myself pushing things a little too hard.) Anyways, the night was already fun when I ran into a friend of mine who was with some of his buddies. They were both cute and I found myself asking him if any of them were single. One was. I was pretty much on the prowl. I normally do not flat out ask, I go about the more innocent way, but that night I was– different.
We ended up being in pairs and my friend was great about bringing the attention to me. They even made the teams so that we were on the same side. I was not doing a bad job at playing the game and I was having a blast. I was flirting more than normal and being me. Sometimes when I am in settings with cute guys than I act like this weird person, that way they do not reject the real me.
When the night came to a close pool boy was very nice and we all talked about getting together again soon. He got both my number and Chelle’s. Actually I am not sure who started all the number sharing Chelle or him… but it doesn’t matter much. He called both of us the next week and invited us to Broomball. A game that you play on ice. Like hockey but you wear shoes and play with rubber balls. I went but Chelle did not.
The game was fun. I ended up playing with 25 dudes and only three girls. Of course because it was on ice I fell. I actually think that I broke part of my hand… but since that fall happened before the game started I kept playing. I was proud of myself for going, I was really worried about showing my nonathletic ability to this guy. The night ended with a little awkward conversation and then him saying he needed to get up early in the morning because he was volunteering for habitat for humanity the next day. Oh yeah, that made the crush start.
Well I did what you are not supposed to do, I called him on Monday to say that I had fun. He invited me to a Bible Study that night, but I had class so I could not go. So that was the last that I talked to him until a couple of weeks ago. I called him and asked him about Bible Study, of course like a true gentleman he told me about it and even picked me up. It so happens that his brother is staying with him for the summer so I have yet to really have a conversation with him. In fact when he calls on the phone and leaves messages he always leaves his whole name. It always seems that he is calling and leaving a message and I am calling him back.
We had a plan that I was excited about and I had convinced Chelle to come along and keep the brother entertained. But then on the day of, he called and cancelled because his brother did not want to go. I believed him when he said that he wanted to go some other time and he did sound sincere that he wanted to go that night. I also realized that timing for me is not my friend. Now he has gone out of town, but before he left we had a slightly better phone conversation and I am left hoping that he calls me when he gets home.
So back to the conclusion that I came too, I was thinking about how I like the guy, but more because of the details about him. I do not really know much about him at all. I do know that he is a smart, attractive, very social and a Godly man. I have no idea how he feels about me and if there is even a hint of attraction on his part. That is where I realized that what I liked about him was that it gave me hope.
I thought that I could actually like someone that I could share my whole life with. Someone that I could volunteer with, go to church with, and try and find new things to do every weekend. Now I have this new found idea that no matter what I do not want to settle. I do not even want to waste my time crushing on someone not worthy of my time. And I am going to spend more time on myself. More time not worrying about filling out every second that I will not worry about being alone.
So maybe I can become ok, with being alone. Without having to move or change everything in my life.
