Did I ever tell you about the time…

So this week, I went on a date. I do not go on dates that often and I have never been on a second date. Somehow I ended up telling way to many people that I was going on a date. I tend not to make this mistake because then others don’t know that I haven’t already been dating. It is a pride issue.

I also discovered that when in the moment, there is nothing that great about dating. I thought the guy was ok and normal but I don’t think that I really wanted to be there. I just wanted to already know how things would turn out.

After it was all said and I done, I had more fun telling people about the date. That yes, I did in fact go on a date. So many people called or sent messages that I was overwhelmed. How many people did I tell? By the time I got thru answering the phone calls, and the texts, and the messages I almost wish that I had not gone. But I truly wished that I had not told people.

The truth is, I told people because I had two dates in a row with two different people. I was proud. I, Ms. Chubby with the great personality, has a dating life. It can’t be. Well I was right about one thing, it wasn’t going to all be true. One of the dates cancelled the night before by a nice text message. Hey Amy! I have class and won’t be able to make it! We need to reschedule our sushi fest!! I thought that since he did use punctuation, that it meant he really did want to reschedule. I tried to be cool and I sent back a text that said. That is fine. Do you know of another time or will you get back to me? But then no reply.

What could I have said in those two sentences to deem no reply. So I think that somehow I have the magic to repel men in two sentences. I believe that I do it all the time.

—Time out! I know that there are plenty of people who would tell me. ‘Don’t worry he might get back to you’. Or maybe ‘No, it had nothing to do with your text message he is Lame, I’m sorry, but that’s just lame to cancel by text’. Thank you to all those pretend people mentioned beforehand, but it does not make me feel any better. Because for once I don’t really care. Would I want him to reschedule yea, but I don’t really care. At least they both did not cancel—

Time back in, I guess but I really think that this brain wave is just a continued point from my earlier Time out. (see above) I have had more cancelled dates then actual dates. Does this happen to a lot of people? Is there this build up of excitement and then someone asks someone out and then it never happens. The last time a guy called the day of and cancelled a date I got a little strange. Mind you, he could have actually not meant to double book me with something else. And if that had not happened to me… I don’t know, three times before, I might have just said, “That’s ok, Call me when we can reschedule.” Nooo I got into a fight with someone that I didn’t even really know. All because I was insecure. After the whole deal blew over I came to realize that I might not be as normal as I thought. Then the conclusion came to me, “Good for you, you might be able to date then!”

Why do you have to have problems to date others? Is it because you have to put up with so much of someone’s else BULL that you think they should have to put up with yours!! I would rather just not date someone, but met someone and get married have some fights, and than fall in love. At least then I would never worry about living up to what I thought was going to happen. I have a wild imagination and it is being to turn on me. Instead of me meeting a guy and then seeing wedding bells… I am meeting a guy and wondering how I will feel when we are not dating anymore.

Lots of people praised me for actually going on the date… hmm, why is this so great. Maybe they think that I don’t date by choice and that I finally allowed myself to go. (I like it, but I don’t think that this is the case.) Maybe they think that my attitude has changed. (I think that the more dates I go on the worse that my attitude gets.) Maybe I just don’t know why.

So I have been telling myself and others that I do not care if I go out with Mr. Tuesday again. I sent him an email, that was our prime way of communicating, and it was what he said to do at the end of our date the other night. I have not heard from him, and I am not concerned because remember- 1.) I don’t really care and 2.) It has only been a day. I don’t even know if I would go out with the guy again. I almost feel bad because I know that I would want him to drive out to where I live and come up with the date… Just a whole bunch of things that do not matter. I am already looking for reasons why I should not go out with him again.

But one thing is clear. I do want him to ask me out again.(So I can know that I really was a good date) and I do want to go on an actual second date (so I can break my second date curse) and then I want to be done with him. I don’t want to deal with this boy right now, because well should I admit it….

I am already in Love. Yes, there I said it. Every bone in my body does not want to be, but I can not help it. I am crazy and because of that, I am in love. With someone who does not know it. With someone who I will never tell.  We have been friends a very long time and while I tell my other friends that I love them all the time I can not tell him. The reason I can not tell him is because I don’t just love him, I Love him. It breaks my heart when he hugs me hello and kisses me on the cheek. It hurts every time he winks at me, it lingers in my mind every time I don’t do something that I want to do because he may find out, or guess. I get disgusted with myself when I give in and do something stupid, like play with his hand.

With that being said, since I would not like a dumbbutt, I think that he does know. I do not see how he can’t know. And that makes me hate him. I am a good actress but how can he not know. I keep a lot to myself. I did not go to his Birthday party because I thought that I could wean myself from him. Better to not see him at all right?

It came to the point where I was going to, I was going to tell him how I felt. I called and no answer. I was never more relieved. Then I was going to write a letter. But how would I put it. How would I be able to phrase all my one sided love without looking like a total, and I mean total crazy women. I told my beff friend and hoped that she would tell him without me telling her to tell him, but she is to good of a friend, she won’t slip. I can’t tell him and I won’t let go, so I think that I will continue to go crazy.

Here is where I think I should have a disclaimer. I do not want to be crazy and I hope that one day I will figure out this guy’s hold over me. I want to believe that someone will come sweep me back onto my sane feet and then sweep me off of them. That is what I need. That is why I seek it. I need a man with superpowers. Someone who can make me forget and give me hope again. And since I don’t think that is to much to ask,  I want it to be easy! ‘nuf said.